Hurt Feelings Over Planning

Dear HayMrsO,

Thank you for your thoughts.

I too have been re-thinking the idea of approaching my son separately in order to avoid any miscommunication that may then transpire between the two of them.

I like your idea of an opening salvo of apologizing for possibly overstepping my bounds by suggesting a cake decorator and sending photos. (I thought I was showing my love with these gestures, but it obviously wasn't interpreted that way).

But after that, I'm not entirely sure how to proceed.

Frankly, I'm scared of my daughter-in-law and afraid that she'll shut me out completely if I ask for anything though. :-(

So sorry that this is happening to you. As a bride, I know this is one of the most stressful times in a girls life (planning a wedding). Though, if you are paying half, your friends especially if they’ve been in your family for years and known your son since he was little, they deserve to be there for the big day. It’s the least your future daughter in law can do. If you are paying for half then you clearly don’t mind to pay for their seat. We are fortunate that my family is paying for the wedding, my future in laws offered to pay for our honey moon and whatever else my parents needed help with such as the rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, ect. My fiancé and I are paying for the DJ, cake, photographer, and videographer. My future in laws friends / some coworkers are invited to our wedding. We are also 20 years old and moving into our first home so we have a lot going on as well. I hope the rest of the wedding planning goes smoothly for you, your husband, son, and future daughter in law. She may come around.

Thank You for your thoughts Vanessa!

I just found out that my future DIL thinks that my husband and I are being "selfish and pushy" for wanting to invite six of our friends to the wedding!

I've been told that she also thinks we're being manipulative, since we had previously offered to pay for half of the wedding....."just so we could invite our friends."

I'm sad and hurt and unsure of what to do now. Do we just give her the promised money and put up with her restrictions? I want smooth waters with my future DIL, but I don't want to give in to (what I feel is her) bullying behavior. :-(

Devil's Advocate here... 6 friends or 6 friends with partners which is 12 people? The additional cost of 12 people at our wedding would have been around $1400. That can be stressful as a bride and I know this is one area where my mother and I butt heads a bit.

I do still think this is being blown much out of proportion by your daughter in law based on what you've said so far, and stand by previous advice about setting boundaries where you can. I'm of the opinion that if you are giving money, your guest list needs to be seriously considered if not immediately included, but I know we had some struggles with who to invite because the per head cost just starts to feel overwhelming as it adds up.

So, it's often said on wedding boards that money comes with strings attached. Meaning that if the wedding couple wants to call all the shots, they should pay for their own wedding.

You're imposing "strings" of a sort on your contribution to the wedding. Did you provide the money with the expectation of inviting your friends? If you had expectations that weren't voiced, then that's part of the problem. TBH, six friends is almost a whole table. How big is the wedding? My apologies in advance if I've missed it.

Sounds like your DIL is reacting the strings/expectations associated with the contribution, and not well IMO. I think that putting your son in the middle of the issue is not the way to go. With this type of person consistent boundaries work well. If adding the friends is truly important to you, then I would offer to pay for your guests, and make it very clear to both of them re: your expectations. I would advise against a second party, it may come across as a "consolation" party =/- a gift grab.

Good luck working this out!

View Quoted Comment It is totally reasonable request, especially since you're contributing financially and your son knows them. All I can suggest is talking to your son and come up with a game plan to approach the bride.


One question though-are your guests in addition to the 100 or will 6 people need to cancel or not be invited to allow your guests? Could that be a reason why the bride is so reluctant? Good luck!

To add to my comment above, is it 3 friends with significant others that would equal 6 total? Or is it 6 friends + significant others that would equal 12 people? There's a difference there. 6 total friends may not be a biggie but adding an additional 12 total guests could deff play a part why the bride is acting the way she is acting.

Hi Maria,

The four of us (my son, daughter, husband and myself) asked to invite a total of 6 guests between us.

My daughter-in-law is inviting 80-100 people.

Are we asking for too much?

Your SON isn't allowed to invite guests to his own wedding? Why is he marrying this woman?

Hi Joanna,

I think I may have miscommunicated.

My son, who is getting married, is able to invite people. It is my OTHER son, my daughter, my husband and myself who are restricted from inviting people.

View Quoted Comment

Hi again, but why would your other kids want to invite people to the wedding? By all means, if they have a SO, then that person should be invited, but are you meaning friends?

Hi Maria,

Thank you for your input.

This is a 'destination wedding' so I don't think anyone knows how many of the 80 to 100 people invited by the bride will actually be able to attend.

The six people the four of us want to invite are all at the destination (where my husband grew up).

Thank you so much for your good wishes!

I've been both mother of bride and groom. My husband and I gifted to our children what we could afford toward a wedding. They could use the money as they liked--toward wedding, honeymoon, house down payment...etc. The gift was given with no strings attached. I did feel the wedding was their day to plan as they wanted. That being said, sounds like this bride needs to mature and realize she will now be a member of 2 families and needs to be considerate and respectful of both.

Hi Bev,

Thank you for your input.

This forum has been very helpful to me in trying to understand where my future daughter-in-law is coming from.

When I got married, I was beyond appreciative of the gifts of time and money that my future family offered. It made me feel like part of a loving family.

I understand that we all give and receive love in different ways, but I feel as though my gift of love is being rejected, and that she wants a separate family rather than joining ours. This makes me very sad!

View Quoted Comment

While it's still a crappy situation, I'm glad it's not the groom who's being told he can't invite anyone.

I hope this is resolved in a more considerate way.

Thank You Joanna.

I too am happy that my son gets to invite people.