Hurt Feelings Over Planning

Well if they no longer want your money then you have no say in who is or who isn’t invited.

Is pull back on the funds and explain to them how rude

Wait, you said she asked for your money nd then has all these demands? If that's the case, then shes the one out of line IMO. It was rude of her to ask for money.
Have you talked to your son about it?

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Hi Kenisha,

Sadly she wants the money but none of our friends. :-(

View Quoted Comment I must have misunderstood. I thought you said that they no longer wanted your money.

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Hi Mrs. Robinson 1120:

I'm afraid if we pull back the funds, it will create an even bigger drama!? :-( I'm so confused!

Hi Chandra,

Yes, I've talked with my son about it. He's 'afraid' to get in the middle! :-(

Kenisha,

Yes, they still want the money, and I'd be more than happy to give it to them, but I think our concerns need to be addressed, and I'm not sure how to make that happen.

First of all, it was rude of her to ask you to pay. Whenever a bride posts on here wondering if she can ask her parents or in-laws for money for the wedding everyone will say no, do not ask! So she was already in the wrong there. Also since you are paying, you do get a say in things. Especially since you’re paying for HALF! If she wants you and your friends out of it then she shouldn’t take your money. But I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice on how to go about this, it sounds like a tough spot for you to be in. Can you talk to your son about it?

From what you've written, I agree, she sounds very rude. She came to you and flat-out asked for money??? Who does that?

My question is, had you started giving your input on planning already? Had you let her know you had guests in mind you wanted to invite? Or did she preemptively come to you and say "Just so you know, I don't want your help in planning, and you can't invite any guests." That sounds very unlikely to me. If she DID do that preemptively, my god, she sounds awful.

But if you had started to plan the wedding...and let her know who you wanted to invite...she might just be feeling a little like you're trying to take over. Let her do her thing; don't feel like you know better just because you know the town better. I'm sure you haven't done quite the amount of research on Insta, etc, that she has when it comes to the photographer and the cake, etc!

THAT SAID. You should be allowed to invite a few people. Not 40% of the guest list. But a few VIPs. You're paying for it, after all. I'm not sure how to go about it from here--perhaps, if you can look at your own behavior and see where maybe she thought you were trying to take over, you can go to her, apologize, let her know that it's her wedding and of course you're not trying to take over. However, considering your sizable gift, you have a few people you'd like to invite.

And if she's just the bull-headed person you've described in the post, and you have nothing to be sorry for, then, well. Good luck lol.

View Quoted Comment It's your son's wedding so of course he's in the middle. I think you and your husband need to sit down with your son and her and discuss this. If she wants your money then she needs to be prepared to accommodate some of your requests. Otherwise, no money.

I am very sorry that you are in this tough situation. Can you sit down with both of them and explain how you feel? Also, I would limit your input to just a few guests so that she does not feel like you are "taking over" the wedding. She should be ok with this since it is very reasonable. You do not seem like someone who is coming from a bad place or trying to take over anything so maybe you just need to try one more time to help her see that too. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your son's wedding!

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I could not agree more with this.

I just want to add.... You can send a text like "I'm here to help if you need me" is important coming from the mother of the groom, you are putting yourself out there in case she needs your help but not imposing yourself.

Now.. I'm planning a full destination wedding in another country and one of my fiance family members lives there on and off because of business. They have offer the help which we have taken sometimes but I hate bothering them with stuff since they have a lot going on. And I'm an I do it all type of bride that don't really get people involve. So it could all be a big misunderstanding on both ends.

My family and my fiance's family are both giving a big chunk of money for our wedding. His family is inviting some friends I don't really know, am I happy? Not really, specially since we are having a small intimate wedding but that makes my in laws happy so why not?

I think sitting down with them is a good idea. Just don't wait until the week before. Try to do it as soon as possible also so you have time to invite your friends.

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Hi dabbinggadwall,

Thank you for your input.

In answer to your question about how she asked for money: We had made an offer to pay anything (within reason) above what her parents had already told her they would pay. This clearly didn't suit her as I then received the silent treatment. Later that night, I heard through my son that she thought we should 'match' what her parents were paying. In order to avoid any problems, my husband and I agreed to do that.

Re planning, I had a friend in town who made wedding cakes for some of the bakeries in town, and I suggested she 'might' want to call the woman in order to get a wholesale price on the cake. I also went by to view the remodel of one of the venues they were considering so that I could send them photos (they live overseas). I then offered to help organize some of the things a groom's family 'traditionally' does; i.e. rehearsal dinner, shipping packages home, etc.

Re guests, I was told shortly after we agreed to a monetary amount that she did not want my husband and I to invite people because it was their wedding. (They are not even inviting a family member who's wedding they attended in 2018)!

At your wise suggestion, I WILL look again at my own behavior, and how something I said or did may have been misinterpreted.

I take great joy in helping people I love. It feels so counter-intuitive to do nothing.

Thank You for the Good Luck wishes!.....I may be needing them!!

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Hi Yoice,

Thank you for your input.

I very much like your idea of sending an "I'm here to help if you need me" message. It is indeed not imposing, but hopefully helpful!

Thank you for identifying yourself as a "do it all" type of bride. ;-) My daughter-in-law views herself that way too, but often ends up leaning heavily on my son; who is already under a great deal of stress.....I guess that's part of the reason I wanted to help (to take the weight off of both of them)......

My family was a great help when I got married, and I don't know what I would have done without them!

We tried sitting down with them at Xmas (since we all won't be in the same town again until just before the wedding). It was then, unfortunately, that %#*& hit the fan......I pretty much got the silent treatment as they left. :-(....That's why I'm wondering what to do now!.....

Hi Earias,

Thank you for your input.

Wow, you are a 'to the point' kind of woman....I like that.

The only problem with withholding $$ is that I don't want to totally alienate my future daughter in law. She already has a tendency to turn small disagreements into monumental problems, and I'm afraid that withholding $$ will cause her to shut us off entirely! :-(

Hi Tamara,

Thank you for your positive input.

I like the idea of letting her know that we just want four of our own guests. I also want to allow my other two children their significant others, so I guess that would make 6 total..... Fingers crossed.

Thank you for your good wishes, and Congratulations on YOUR 2019 wedding!!

View Quoted Comment This is a very sad situation but after seeing more in detail all your responses you have a tough situations in your hands and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. If you already tried and didn't turn well I think there's not much more to do after this.

As a bride I would not advice you to not give them the money you have already promise. Unfortunately you gave it to them without conditions and I do sympathize with you but when you plan a wedding everything revolves around the budget and they are counting on that money. Without it is probably going to put them in a really hard position financially just before the wedding and I'm afraid this could potentially ruin your relationship with your own son.

If you tried everything already then I don't know what else to say but maybe is best to just give in at this point. Mostly because of your son. I'm sure this would bring even more stress to him and put him in a very uncomfortable situation and also because she's about to be your daughter in law and you are now family! Maybe one day with grandkids.
One of you have to give in and it does not sound like it would be her.

I hate to say this but maybe start planning a party with your friends that wont be invited to the wedding so you can share all the wonderful stories of the wedding maybe throw in pictures and videos once you have it. Try to see the positive side of everything and enjoy your son wedding the best you can!

View Quoted Comment I agree with all of the above. I would sit them down and explain how very hurt you are by their behavior. I think both of them should be there.

Maybe think about what is the result you want from here and ask for it: apology, to be included, invite a few guests, etc. If you just want to express your sadness that’s ok too.

You definitely sound like you're coming from a good place. Not that you should take over the guest list per say, but if you're paying for half you should have some say. That's why there's the phrase "no pay, no say." I would suggest you and your husband have a private talk with your son first and let him know that you are hurt by this and ask him if he would help advocate for you. If he still doesn't want to get involved (which is silly as it's his wedding and his fiancee), you may have to be more stern in where your money goes. You can let her know that you will pay such and such but under the condition that you get a certain input on those things. My parents are paying our whole wedding and because of that, they searched venues with us, reviewed every contract, will come to tastings with us, and get free reign on who they want to invite. It's turning it into a huge wedding because they have a lot of family and friends but our options are to accept this or decline the money and plan a much smaller wedding with our own money, and we 100% accept this fact. Luckily my parents are very reasonable about what we want and didn't put limits on my FH family invite list either, but again that's really up to them.