Hurt Feelings Over Planning

Your future daughter in law sounds very petty and ungrateful. Sorry if that’s harsh but I can’t believe what you’re describing. If you pay, you get a say, period. My parents paid for my entire wedding and definitely got a say in almost everything. The guest list should have your input.

that said, I would’ve been frustrated by the unsolicited cake advice and venue photos. I’d simply say, I’m here to help, if you would like me to check out something locally or speak to a few vendors I know of, let me know. Leave it at that. Brides can be crazy about what they perceive as other people “taking over” and react badly.

but again, I’d struggle to be patient with this girl, her attitude is so entitled.

Thank You Yoice,

I never thought of having a second party for my family and friends...that's definitely one way to think outside the box....and I really appreciated the idea!

Hi Sunshine,

Thank You for your input. I agree that it is time to talk with our son separately. I appreciate the suggestion!

Hi Pirate and 60s Bride,

Thank you for the suggestion to come straight out and let my future daughter-in-law know that we are sad we haven't been allowed to invite any friends; in spite of paying for half of the wedding.

I've been assuming that she knows how we feel, but she may be too caught up thinking about other things to think about our feelings. I appreciate your input!

Hi Jenna,

Thank you for your input! I like the idea of talking to my son privately. He says he doesn't want to be put in the middle, but he is kind of there by default! Fingers crossed.......

If your paying I feel you have top say. If they are paying then it's up to them. It sounds like your daughter in law to be is a little ungrateful.

If you have to buy a friend, you do not have a friend. Tell your son there has been a massive misunderstanding. And no, imho, you are entitled to more than a few guests. Do this before they sign more contracts.

One that is your son’s wedding and unfortunately it sounds like the woman he chose to marry isn’t very considerate (IMO). But you seem like a wonderful woman and I can only imagine you raised your son the same, so I think that at the end of the day he does not want to see his mother hurt or his FW to be viewed in a bad light. I urge you to not let these kinds of things go unacknowledged. My aunts DIL has completely alienated her from her son and her grandkids because of these things that weren’t dealt with and left to fester. Good luck to you. And if you’re religious I suggest lots of prayer!

Hi Noelle,

Thank you for your input.

I hate to have money be something that divides us.

I've been really generous in the past and I've never made a big deal about it....it was just one of the ways I showed love.

Now I'm feeling a little taken advantage of, and I'm not sure how to turn things around.

If anything, I think you need to try to funnel communication through your son. It's always a better policy for families to speak to each other during this time for this example exactly. It seems as if this is all driven by her and - whether it is true or not - it makes it appear as if your son is not on the same page. This can breed resentment.

You seem to be very thoughtful about what is happening here and I appreciate that you want to be cautious about how you react. I do think though that you will be resentful if you just go with the flow.

I don't have much more advice, especially since they live out of the country, but i would try to make most of your communication go through your son. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. From your half of the story it certainly seems that you're being taken advantage of.

Hi Emily,

Thank you for your input.

I hate to have to put my son in the middle of this as he is already under a lot of pressure, but I think you (and others) are correct.

Now we just need to figure out a way to talk with him without her being around (which isn't easy)!!

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Maybe it's worth just explaining to them both that you want to speak to them together about the wedding. I completely understand being sensitive to him not wanting to be in the middle. That being said, it may be helpful for everyone, including them to learn how to communicate a little more clearly. That eliminates just leaving him in the middle? I'm really sorry you're stuck here.

This is a rock in a hard place. I honestly do not know what to say. Best thing you can do is give it to God and pray on it

Thank You Monique,

That's great advice!

We all need to be reminded sometimes! xo

Thank You for your input Emily!

We actually 'tried' to talk about it when both families were together at Christmas. The discussion ended when my future daughter-in-law said she didn't want to talk about it anymore!

In the interest of trying to have a good holiday experience, we let it go at the time. That was probably the wrong thing to do?

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There isn't a "wrong" thing to do here. You did what made the most sense in that moment. You didn't want to push it on a holiday. It's a delicate situation and it probably won't be able to be handled without any hurt feelings, but I would encourage you to talk with your husband and set boundaries of what you will and won't do moving forward. For example, maybe you get not inviting any of your friends but there are specific family members who must be included. They don't want you to do anything? But you know you can help? Offer before you do. I'm not sure where the chip on her shoulder is coming from but I do hope that you can find some more peace here.

Hi Emily,

I appreciate your thoughts!

You sound like a very empathetic person, with good ideas.

I feel as if we are being bullied by my daughter-in-law, and I'm afraid if we don't address the situation now, it will keep getting worse.

We're doing a small destination wedding and only invited about 48 people (our closest friends and family), out of those, 22 people RSVP'd. We turned down a couple that an aunt wanted to invite because neither my fiancè nor myself knew them and we wanted to keep it an intimate wedding. My in-laws have been very supportive of our decisions and his mom has been there for me every step of the way: from picking my dress to every single one of my bridal fittings (my mom lives somewhere else and doesn't have the budget to hop on a plane every time, even though she would love to).

Now, my future In-laws have decided to host a post-wedding party to invite a lot of their friends and some of our family & friends that cannot make it to the wedding. The only say we have on that party is the food (as I have a few allergies) & our friends guest list. Other than that, the in-laws are in charge. Maybe this could be an option for you?

Good luck!

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds like you are coming from a good place. It also sounds like the bride is a bully. I would never expect someone to pay and then not let the invite a few people. That is beyond rude.

I know people are suggesting that your communication should go through your son, but I feel like that would be taken the wrong way as well. It seems that he might not be communicating your feelings very well, while trying to spare hers.

I would try to talk to both of them in person, if possible. Let her know that you are sorry if she feels like you overstepped your bounds by the cake/picture incidents. However, you feel you have a right to invite a few people, since you are paying for half. And then ask what the compromise is.

I'm afraid if you do not address her bad behavior now, it will only get worse. Best of luck to you!

Hi Maria,

Thank you for your input.

It sounds as though you have marvelous future in-laws who love you very much.

I wish we could have a similar relationship with my future daughter-in-law.

My husband and I would like to invite a total of six guests....all of whom my son knows. I think this is reasonable for a wedding where the couple are inviting 100. But I'm not sure how to approach the subject.