Hurt feelings: Not a bridesmaid & looking for advice

Thank you so much, everyone! My feelings really did a 180 after posting this question, and I am so glad I came here instead of reaching out to my friend, because it would have just made her feel bad and I am glad I did not do that to her. I think my initial sting came because, when I pictured my wedding, I pictured her and our other two college friends as my wedding party, so she would have been 1 of 3, and then to think that I wasn't 1 of 8... well, it just got me over-sensitive to everything she did after that, but now I feel silly because I see that I am included, just in a different way. Thank you <3

I can see where you're coming from - you were essentially told you're the 9th man. However, I think she's doing things in the way she's trying not to hurt your feelings. Her bridal party couldn't be endless, and she's trying to involve you in a meaningful way. Now when she says things like "you don't have to come to the RD" she IS being considerate of your time.

I know you're feeling okay now, but I just wanted to add a tidbit. I had a lot of college friends that I spent three years with; every day, every night, and weekends with, but I did not make them my bridesmaids. I chose one of my college friends (who did not make me her bridesmaid), my sister, my FH's cousin, and a childhood friend. I rarely talk to my childhood friend due to distance and her work takes her all over the world so I don't know what time zone she's in at any given time, but I couldn't imagine her not there.

I understand your initial hurt, but honestly your friendship isn't in jeopardy. She is including you as much as she can, but bridal parties are so carefully selected for whichever reason she has. She WANTS you to be there, but sometimes things and life happen so her choosing went in a different direction. A reader is a huge honor, definitely, and is a way to include you. I have one because I wanted to include an additional friend as well. Whenever I had ANY bridal parties (showers, bachelorette, etc.) the oot maids were told they didn't have to come if they couldn't make it, but I made sure to include them and the friends I didn't make bridesmaids because I absolutely wanted them there, but feeling pressured to spend more money is such a headache and they were already doing so much by being a part of our day I didn't want them upset or pressured at all. Your friend actually IS thinking of you, I promise

I understand your hurt, but please read my story and think about it.

I struggled with who to choose for bridesmaids. Legit struggled. It took me months to choose. I had a lot of good friends, including some co-workers who were family to me. After months of going back and forth on family versus family and friends, I decided to choose family and two friends, who happened to be co-workers. There were other co-workers I was close to and we were all friends, but I wasn't as close with them as the two I chose.

Well, one of my co-workers who wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid took it personally when, in fact, I loved her and cherished our friendship. She was so hurt by not being asked that she refused to attend the wedding. In fact, she made a spectacle of the fact that she would rather work than attend the wedding. She said that, in front of everyone. As you can imagine, I was incredibly hurt by this and every time I tried to talk to her, she'd pick a fight about something unrelated so that she never had to admit her feelings were hurt. She never told me the real problem was that she wasn't a bridesmaid.

Fast forward to a year later and my wedding is 6 months past and I am no longer friends with this person. Her year-long tantrum, the reason for which she kept to herself until just before my wedding, destroyed our relationship. Not only do we no longer talk, but things are so awkward at work that just seeing her makes me anxious. I miss our friendship and I miss being able to hang out with her outside of work, but we will never be friends again.

My point is, please don't take your friends decision personally and please talk to her. Don't let hurt feelings fester. Don't destroy your relationship over something like this. It's not worth it.

Just my 2 cents and my experience. I had 4 BM: my sister, a friend from K-8th&College was another, a friend from 1st grade&that we reconnected after hs and last a college friend. My MOH was my best friend and has been for the past 7 years. We use to do everything together before I met my husband and she is one of the reason why I met him too.

I would also like to add that I chose my sister and my K-8th&College friend to do 2 readings. They are the 2 that have known me my entire life and the 2 that I had a lot of firsts with. My sister did a great job reading, she practiced. My friend did not lol, she didn't practice, but to my surprise I did not care. I chose them to read because they mean the most to me, they have been apart of my life for 28 and 30 years. Our wedding video, which I love more than our pictures, starts with the 2 readings, then the 2 speeches, then the i dos as background music/sound. So they are the only one's beside my MOH and DH BM that got a speaking part in our wedding ceremony and our wedding video. OP you should feel special because you are!

Are you even engaged? Personally, I think you are being way too sensitive. If you moved out-of-state & she still asked you to do a reading at her wedding, that means she cares for you. There's so much into planning & people have to stay within budgets, that not everyone can be pleased. Stop being selfish & just be there for your friend. Also, if it's bothering you that bad, talk to her. Just beware because she may take offense to it because she didn't have to ask you to do anything.

If it's any consolation, I've been a BM and a not-part-of-the-BP-but-still-involved person on a couple different occasions. I'd take the latter any day.

I totally get it but your friend values you by asking you to do a reading and I think she's trying to do you the favor in saying you don't have to be there for the rehearsal. It didn't sound like she didn't want you there imo

I think you are being overly sensitive. 8 bridesmaids is alot already and its her wedding not yours. If she didn't care about you she wouldn't have asked you to do a reading. Don't not go the rehearsal if it is because you are mad you are not a bridesmaid. Thats kinda petty. If you have other things to do fine, but she is probably super stressed planning a wedding. Please don't bother her about it because you will just make her feel awful and awkward about the whole thing. Be a good friend, realize she's doing what is most rational best decision for her and move on.

My FI was in a similar situation, he was actually a back up groomsman for one of his closest friends, filling the role if the groom's brother decided not to show (they were having family troubles). He was invited to the bachelor party but still felt a little hurt. It all worked out because he is now godfather to his friend's son, who will be our ring bearer.

I also agree with PPs that picking the bridal party can be very difficult, with personal, financial, and logistical considerations being factored in. I hope my friends who I ask to have other valued roles understand that I still really care about them!

@Michelle L. It's just wrong to use someone as a backup. I wouldn't agree to that, either I'm in the BP from the get go or not.

I didn't ask one of my very good friends to be a bridesmaid and I know her feelings were hurt. I explained to her that it wasn't because I loved the other girls more or whatever...It was because I didn't want to put that burden on her. She's currently in a rigorous graduate study program on the opposite side of the country. She's stressed to the brim and she may not be able to attend the wedding due to finances (even with me helping as much as FH and I can afford to help). At the same time, I knew I was going to be REALLY stressed out and would need the help of my bridesmaids (no reliable family) to manage all of the crap that comes with wedding planning.

I actually think it's more of an honor to do a reading, especially as her only friend doing one. It sounds like her inquiry and non insistence that you have to come day before is her being sensitive to you, actually. I know personally I hate imposing on friends and probably would have taken a similar approach. Just some additional thoughts.

Please don't feel slighted you don't know what gave input for her bridal party. My mom is contributing a bit to our wedding and instructed me to only have family as my bridesmaids. I adore my two best friends and I chose two cousins and my twin but couldn't have them. I asked them to do a reading because I couldn't imagine my day without them. They co-designed my engagement ring and spent six months helped my FH propose. It was a compromise my mom could deal with so I ran with it. It would break my heart if I thought they felt this way because there are lots of opinions tied to weddings and she included you so you know you are special to her.

I doubt it was meant to be hurtful. A good friend of mine had one of her out of state BEST friends do the reading at her wedding too. But she was basically a bridesmaid as she hung out with the bridal party whenever she was in town. She lived in CA and the wedding was in MA.

For the rehearsal dinner, she was probably just letting you know so you didn't think that you HAD to be there in case you didn't want to be or didn't want to spend the extra night. I wouldn't read anymore into it than that.

I totally understand you being hurt, but I would just make the most out of it! Not much you can do about it, unfortunately. Whatever you do, I would NOT ask about it - that's a SUPER awkward situation and as the bride, no matter what the reasoning was, that question could potentially ruin your relationship completely.

I understand your hurt, but you met her six years ago and it sounds like you've been out of college for a while. She already has a large bridal party and it sounds like she is actively trying to involve you.

I wasn't even invited to one of my former college roommates weddings (and yes we had kept in touch). I certainly don't think this was intended as a slight and there could be several other factors she's taking into account like your location, the way things have changed, and the size of bridal party she wants. For example, there are a couple of friends I'm probably "close enough" to have asked to be bridesmaids, but because of things I knew they had going on (new babies, out of state, etc.) asked them to be involved in other ways.

She didn't tell you not to come to the rehearsal she just said your portion wouldn't be covered. YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO COME just understand that we dont need to go over your portion because you can read without having to rehearse. Go to the rehearsal and calm down. If she didn't want you there she wouldn't have asked you to do anything.

While I understand you are hurt, I think you should be honored you are her ONLY friend who was asked to do a reading. I think she went out of her way to make you feel like you matter to her, and you're just being hurt over something that was not meant to hurt you, quite the opposite! I think she has other friends who are not bridesmaids and will be attending the wedding, you just may not know them. If her bridesmaids are all family and childhood friends, it's not your fault or hers. I really don't get the "so many things that go into bridal party selection" thing comment though. Not really. You pick out who will be the best to help you. Titles are horseshit and not important. If you're a guest at the wedding, you're important to her. And she invited you to be a part of it by reading and asked you to join which made you feel included. I was not asked to be at my cousins first wedding to be a bridesmaid. But she had us at the bridal luncheon and stuff too and invited us to the festivities to get our hair done at the salon with the bridesmaids. It was very nice and made me feel included. She wants you to be with her too!

I am struggling so much to decide on who to include in ny WP, some days I feel like i should skip it all together. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings :-( Sorry you feel this way, I'm sure your friend didn't mean wrong.

I wish bridal parties would go away, honestly.