Hurt feelings: Not a bridesmaid & looking for advice

She sent me a sweet note a few months ago asking me to do a reading that has special meaning for her. I was touched by this and said yes. I figured there would be a few readings, and maybe that is how she is including our college group of friends. But there is only one other reading, and her FH picked his cousin to do it. Now I feel a little bit like a “runner-up bridesmaid.” The fact that I am her ONLY friend involved in the wedding who is not a bridesmaid has really hurt me. I mean, I know that being asked to do a reading is an honor, but it’s not as special as being in the wedding party. And since I am her only non-bridesmaid friend involved, I don’t know, what would have been the harm in one more bridesmaid? I get that she already has a large party, but is there really a big difference between 8 bridesmaids and 9 bridesmaids?

On top of that, she touched base with me last week about the wedding rehearsal. She told me that the rehearsal is at noon the day before, and then they are going to get pedicures before the rehearsal dinner that night. She told me that I am more than welcome to join, but that her officiant told her they are not doing run-throughs of the readings, so I did not need to come if I did not want to take another day off work or pay for another night at a hotel (I moved out-of-state two years ago). So being invited to the day-before festivities, but then being told it’s okay if I don’t come, doesn’t make me really feel WANTED there.

I have not told her yet if I will be attending. My feelings have been hurt, and I do not know if I should or am wanted to attend. But I do not know if I just being too sensitive. And I do not know if I should talk to my friend about my feelings or not. Any thoughts?

There are SO many things that go into bridal party selection. I think it's an absolute honor that she selected you to do a reading. With that many bridesmaids, she probably felt the need to cut it somewhere. Since you're out of state, she may have assumed that would be too much for you and used that as her "cut off," so to speak. I think you should go and enjoy the pre-wedding festivities. She wouldn't have invited you if she didn't want you there.

If you're that close you need to come out an ask her, like, really. She may have chosen her BP out of familial obligation or something, you won't know anything until you outright talk to her.

It's up to you whether you want to wait until after the wedding, because I am sure if you're as close as you say, this will stress her.

You are being too sensitive. Way too sensitive.

A reading during the ceremony is a big honor, she wouldn't have asked you to day before festivities if she didn't want you there. She was probably just making sure you don't feel obligated if you can't make it.

This is such a sensitive/complicated topic - who to ask to be in your bridal party. I understand why you might be hurt, but I don't think you should be. She clearly wants you to be involved since she asked you to do a reading. And I wouldn't put too much thought into how she's approaching the rehearsal dinner. It sounds to me that she would love it if you could go, but she doesn't want to impose on you either (financially and work schedule-wise). Think of it this way - if she requested that you be there, when you really don't "need" to be, she might feel like a bridezilla. Also keep in mind, the more bridesmaids there are, the more expensive it is for her (BM gifts add up).

I understand how you feel - I am the 'dog walker down the aisle' at my FSIL's wedding and it just felt like she was saying your not important enough to be a bridesmaid. But honestly, it seems like her intentions were good. I only have a few close girlfriends, 1 sister and no female cousins so it was easy for me to choose my bridal party. It sounds like she has a lot of family in her party and 8 is a pretty big number. She probably really struggled to decide how to include everyone.

I would not read too much into the rehearsal thing, she probably genuinely wants you there but did not want you to feel obligated since you need to travel and pay for an extra night.

Dude. Thank her. It's a hella pain being a BM and no matter what I always spent more than I wanted to.

Sounds like she gave your the RD option to save you from being obligated for an extra day off, which is the considerate thing to do given you aren't a BM.

I had one of my closest friends do something similar to me. She chose her childhood friend, that she rarely spoke to or saw as her MOH. She then ended up flaking out, and my friend asked me to fill in as MOH... I felt like crap, and was hurt.

I agree with @Chris about it, maybe talking to her.

@Amanda, I tend to disagree. I don't feel she's being super oversensitive. A reading is an honor, but she is also able to feel how she feels. She's not badmouthing her friend, or complaining to the other BM. She's simply hurt and asking for advice.

OP, it does sound as if she is trying to include you, but also letting you know you're under no obligation to join if you can't miss work, or get a hotel for another night.

I do agree with PP, some do choose family for BP due to obligations. Each person is different in that regard.

I would be honored to be in your shoes! You don't have to buy a dress you'll only wear once and contribute financially to Bach and bridal shower parties.

A lot goes into picking a BP. I have a dear friend who is not in the BP cause I felt obligated to include family. I do not care about her any less. I will still invite her to get ready with me in the morning and get pedicures and I would be delighted if she came but no, of course she's not obligated. And I'll tell her that but that does not mean I don't want her there.

It seems like you are being very sensitive and if she is such a good friend you should have that open line of communication to openly discuss your feelings with her. Good luck

I can see why you are feeling hurt, but I think your friend is truly coming from a good place. Instead of feeling like you are the only friend involved in the wedding ceremony that isn't in the BP, focus on the fact that of all her close friends from college, she picked you to be a part of the ceremony. Likely, her and her FH chose two readings and to be fair, decided that they would each get to pick one of the readers. And really, two readings is enough. More than that and it would be a a lot for guests to sit through. We only had one reading during our ceremony.

I am also guessing that she invited you to the day before festivities because she actually does want you there, and what she said about you not having to be there was probably more about making sure it wasn't going to be an inconvenience. She may very well have said the same thing to each of her BMs. Really, if a BM or GM can't make the rehearsal, it's okay. I think your friend is just trying to get very accommodating and making sure that the people involved in her wedding don't feel obligated to do stuff.

If I were you, I would decide whether you want to be a part of the day before stuff or not and then either tell her you'd love to participate in all of that or simply let her know you're not able to make it the night before and won't be getting there until the day of her wedding. Personally, I'd go and try to enjoy myself.

I'm not sure why she decided to cap her BMs at 8. Maybe her FH really wanted 8 GM and symmetry was important to them (even though uneven WPs are perfectly fine), or maybe she felt like if she had you as a BM, she needed to have other college friends as BMs, too, but she didn't want a gigantic BP. Maybe she is looking at the reading as a huge honor that she's given you and mistakenly thought you'd appreciate doing that more than standing in a line as a BM. I really don't know. But I don't think I'd ask her about it, because I think that would just make things worse.

Thank you for everyone's input! I read each comment and really appreciate what each person said. After reading them over, I can see how I jumped to conclusions regarding the rehearsal thing. It is helpful to hear from people who are also making these decisions and planning weddings, and to hear from people in her shoes that being a reader is not a B-list job like I had wondered :-) She is the first person close to me to get married, so I admit I do not realize how much can go into it. Thank you to each of you for taking the time to respond to me.

I will go to the rehearsal and pedicure and enjoy myself. It will be fun to spend time with her on such an important day.

I've been there! It does suck when you feel like they might ask you and then they don't. But it's also just not a measure of how much she loves you or how much she cares. I wouldn't read into the rehearsal thing at all...we are def not running through readings that night, and I would hate to make someone stay for that whole thing.

While it stung initially, I just kinda sucked it up and moved on. But I will say it did influence me when I planned my own bridal party. I had been on the fence about having 5 vs. 6 bridesmaids...I thought 6 was a bit too big for a while. Once I felt it personally happen to me, I absolutely went for 6 because I didn't want my friends to feel that way.

I understand you are hurt but please do not say something and make your friend feel bad! You have been given an honor in the wedding which is more than any other college friend was given. Accept it and move on or tell her you would rather come as a guest.

I have to be blunt here

- your reaction is childish and self-centered. She included you over all her college friends. She included you in the pedicures and graciously gave you an out so you wouldn't feel obligated.

This isn't about you, it's about her. It will be the same for you if you decide to get married and have a wedding.

@BlueHenBride, After reading your comments, I think you are right about feeling if she asked me, she would need to ask our other college friends, which would give her three more BM's. I didn't think of it that way, but once I read that, I think you may be right. Her FH has 4 or 5 (I can't remember), so it could also be that, while symmetry wasn't essential to them, they didn't want it to be completely imbalanced, which it would be if she also added our group of college friends. Thank you for your perspective; it makes it easy for me to see how or why she drew the line that she did :-) And you're right...I should focus on the fact that she selected me to do the reading instead of feeling like the only non-BM friend. Definitely helps me put things in perspective :-)

I'm glad you're feeling better about this and that you're going to go enjoy yourself. I think you're going to have a really good time.

OP, don't take it personally. For whatever reason, she picked these girls.

I have a step cousin who's more like a sister to me. She's 19, I'm 32. We always said she would be a BM when it came time. When it came time to pick a bridal party, I decided not to pick her. I knew she couldn't afford the dress, hair, makeup, shoes, and everything else that comes with the role. I also could not afford to pay for all those things. I asked her to be one of 3 readers, because that was my way of including her without it costing her more than being a guest. If things were different I would have loved her to be a BM.

So don't be offended, be happy for your friend and be happy she chose to include you.

Also wanted to point out that readers aren't as common as bridesmaids so she literally added time to her ceremony for you specifically to fill. Lots of people don't even have readers! Take your honor and go have fun!

I have given some invites like that to certain wedding things because I don't want to burden people. I do appreciate people coming and celebrating with me, I would hate for them to feel like they HAVE to be somewhere. So of my my invitations have sounded like that but not at all because I don't want someone to whatever event I invited them too. If she didn't want you to come, she would have just not told you about it.

Being a bridesmaid is a shit ton of time and money. I absolutely hate it lol consider yourself lucky. It seems like she went out of her way to still include you so think of like that and be grateful. It's nothing personal so don't take it that way.