How Would You Respond - Parents Not Attending Wedding

@emsker-I am sorry but if my parents won't show up to my wedding and their excuse is they don't support it, then they don't support me, their child.

I am a mother and if my kid got married(no matter if I thought it was not a good idea ex-too young) I would still go and support them. Cause that's what parents do. You don't pick and choice which child you support.

I'm sorry you have bigoted people in your family. That's a repulsive way to treat their child. I would 100% stop paying their bills. Your money is good enough for them but not your wedding? Hell, no.

I would approach this differently from everyone else. I would not tell FH to stop paying their bills or stop hanging out with them. I would leave that decision completely up to FH. It's his family, and ultimately it's his choice whether he wants them in his life or not. If he wants his parents in his life and wants to have a relationship with them despite them not attending your wedding, that's his choice to make. I think you should be there and supportive for your FH, but not influence his decision either way. I'm so sorry you're going through this. How awful

My FH mother is not attending for dumb reasons but whatever... he has faced the fact that she will not come i know he feels bad and i am angry but there is nothing we could do ....it thier loss....it hurts but ot is not the deciding factor and does not change how yall feel about each other.... and just in case my mother is not coming cause she does not like him. But thats her loss too.... just send the invite so they cant say you never invited them

I actually agree with lyla- I think you need to be supportive of your FH no matter what decision he makes with regards to his family.

It sounds like there may be something else going on- if all the siblings shifted from being super on your side to complacent?

But OP this is a very difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it!

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially so close to your wedding day. I am in the same position, but I have had a long time to come to terms with it. My parents also do not agree with my s-s relationship and won't be attending our wedding. I used to be daddy's little girl, but since I came out to my parents six years ago, I have had absolutely no relationship with my father at all. He has told me that we make him physically sick, called us names, etc. It absolutely devastated me, but now I can talk about it without crying so I guess I'm getting over it. The worst part is that they are now missing out on being a part of my kids' lives, which sucks, but it is their behavior that has pushed me to that. I will never let my kids have a close relationship with people that will spew hate and intolerance! I guess my point is, it will hurt for a while, but it will get better with time. Either they will come around or you will just learn to live with it. I hope it's the latter for you both! Much love to you!

@lyla - thank you for the advice. I think we should decide as a couple on how to proceed since I too will be affected by this. Now having said that I will never force FH on how he handles his relationship but I would certainly consider how my relationship with his parents would be. And I don't know how I would feel about it. Do I stop visiting or go less often than FH etc. Do I just say "they are no longer welcome to our home". I don't know how I would react or feel when we get there.

Last night while his brother was in town, I suggested that FH speak to his brother and open up about how it would mean a lot to him if his brother spoke to his parents as well to see if they will listen to him more. But FH didn't think it was a good idea even though it would be the last chance for his brother to be able to say anything before the wedding.

Then again, they got into an argument (frequently and "normal" in their family among siblings) so I guess that is off the table lol.

@Kaitlin - His siblings have never been truly supportive just accepted the fact. All of his siblings are 10+ years older so I don't know how much that plays into it. They are a lot more old fashioned ie. respect parents no matter what etc and their dad has a lot of say. So maybe that is why they don't feel like trying to convince their parents.

Even his oldest sister didn't want her husband to find out because she was worried he'd talk about us to his own family and make her look bad. And this was while I was with him for years. At the end of the day, as far as I can tell nothing came from it so she was worried for no good reason.

HOWEVER, his dad said he would come but only if the mom would attend and that is where my FH has to work on to try to convince.

As for my siblings, they are 100% supportive and very much did not change how they perceived me or my life etc.

@Lisa - I agree and accept people's beliefs. Like my Aunt is in some kind of religion that doesn't allow her to fly. She has never even seen her grandchild because he lives across the globe but since she doesn't fly she has never seen him (although the child could fly to visit her instead).

She also did not attend my sister's wedding because it was on a "bad luck" date.

She came to my home (surprisingly) and didn't hug me and when I asked why she said "because of religion".

She is also not attending my wedding. I am assuming for religious reasons too.

Ultimately no hard feelings. She is my aunt but it's not my parents or FH parents etc.

My point is, I don't have to agree with someone's beliefs, but if that is how they live their lives so be it. But we are all entitled to our feelings and our actions and every action has consequences and reactions. Ultimately, if it gets to the point where FH no longer wants a relationship with them, they too must accept that fact and move on. But if they want their cake and eat it too, tough luck.

OP I think if you decide you want to not go over to FPIL home than that is fine. I know I don't go to mine as much as I once did. My FH is fine with it because he knows how much stress it can bring me. (FMIL has been causing a lot of drama with our wedding). Again, I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

This topic, of a parent not attending my wedding, as been on my mind lately. My step mom is not planning to attend my wedding here in Oregon. She lives in Minnesota, she and my dad have been married most of my life, I am 45 and just getting married for the first time. Her excuse is her anxiety about flying (because, you know, there's NO OTHER WAY TO GET HERE!?!?!). She is also not attending my bridal shower, being hosted and thrown in Minnesota by my mom. Her excuse being that is the weekend she has to work. Her part time job. During her retirement.

We had a big argument last summer and haven't spoken since but I really thought she'd slap on a smile and a dress and show up and be pleasant. Clearly, I was wrong.

We don't get to pick our family and frankly, my friends (and amazing, soon-to-be in-laws) are the family I've built. I used to think you just had to deal with it because they are family. Older and wiser now, I realize that isn't true. You don't have to spend time with, or effort on, anyone you don't want, relative or not. If they can't provide a similar degree of interest, enthusiasm and genuine caring for you then the best thing you can do for you own health and well-being is to walk away. They've lost the chance to be included and in your life. Period.

Does this make me sad? Absolutely. But in my own life I've shed too many tears trying to get people in my own family to care about me. I'm just done. I want to be surrounded by love and positivism and choose to allow people in who provide that. Enjoy and celebrate those in your life that give you that, and walk away from the others. Life is too short.

Congratulations to you and may you have a future filled with people who love you and feed your love for one another.

VC, we sought some stats, info, and advice from our colleagues at GayWeddings, and we wanted to share their insights with you and everyone impacted by this issue - https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/parents-wont-attend-wedding

Mostly, we want to let all our members struggling with less-than-supportive friends and family that you have our strong and full support, because love is love is love is love