How would you feel about fh lying about engagement ?

View Quoted Comment He’s definitely on the reserved side. Hht the two guys he eats lunch with daily have known him 17 years like I said. He comes home and says so and so is gonna be a grandpa. The others kid is in hospital .. stuff about their kids etc. I find out hard to believe that it never was a moment during their two hour long lunches to say hey I got engaged. They knew he was out of town that weekend and even asked how the trip was. Idk it’s strange.

View Quoted Comment He got a beautiful ring. And the guys knew where he went away which was super nice and romantic. So it makes no sense. They even asked how our trip was. They knew I went. And six months went by and every single day not once at their two hour long lunches did it occcue to him to say hey I got engaged.
He says there was never a good time and they have been having negative things in life ( the ones mom was sick for a month ) so he felt weird saying something happy. But the other one announced he was going to be a grandpa.

View Quoted Comment Was my first thought. Is there someone at work

Okay given the additional info you’ve given about how he told his best friend and how he’s calling you crazy for expressing concern over this, I’d say your concerns are more than valid. Have you two attended any couples counseling? I’d put the wedding on hold until you can actually get to the bottom of what’s going on and why he’s trying to deflect your concerns.

View Quoted Comment My first thought when I heard he lied and said we just got engaged was I bet he won’t want to say we got married. I mean who has a three month engagement ? So I said you are gonna say we got married when we get back from honeymoon right ? I said they’re gonna ask how ur vacation went. He said idk I guess.
I freaked. I said you guess ? He said I don’t tell people stuff. Wow. U don’t share I just got married. Then I said what are you Gonna hide the ring ? He didn’t even reply. I just flipped.

View Quoted Comment I’m wondering if he doesn’t talk to a female at work. Something.

View Quoted Comment Very odd. I’d seek premarital counseling or at the very least have a serious conversion with him. This a happy time in your life and sharing your excitement with others should be apart of it. Good luck!

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When I first met him, he was going through an ugly divorce. He would say comments like Im never doing marriage again. Everyone told me to stick it out and he will change mind.. Well year later he was all about getting married .. Then he proposed in dec. when we started to plan it , he started complaining about costs and all. I think maybe he deep down does not want it.. then he wanted a pre nip cause of the previous marriage. idk i don't think he's emotionally ready.. maybe he never will be.

Its very sneaky and concerning that two guys he's known forever had no idea he was engaged the last six months. you would think he would have been excited to share that news.. I want to ask him how he would feel if I hid my ring when I go to work.. its the same concept.

I don't think it is your job to monitor the conversations he has with his friends, ever. Over time he might have told them more details, without any bad feelings toward you. If my Hub had gotten all over me about what I did or did not disclose to my friends, I would have handed him my ring and walked. Some people want to share news like an engagement in an hour, some in six months, and any time before asking their bridal party is fine. I did not tell people I worked with but did not see regularly outside work for 3 months.

View Quoted Comment So it’s not weird he lied and said it just happened ? And that he isn’t sure if he will say he was married. These guys are close. They spend lunches together daily. They all share their lives. He chose to lie and said it just happened. Which is leading to another lie .

Yeah I find this odd too. My fh was telling everyone random person we saw (cashier at trader Joe's, sever at dinner, etc. )
I get that some people are more private but this strikes me as a red flag that he doesn't want to tell people.

View Quoted Comment There is a tradition that you minimize talking about a wedding, or any big event, in front of those you are not going to invite. The reason many keep it out of work completely, or til the very end. You say 1 friend, and no one else from work is coming. He may have started holding it back for that reason, thinking he would tell some in private, but the moment never came when they were not talking about someone's first marriage. And if you don't intend to invite any of them, and do not want parties held for you, or to be the butt of 100 jokes ( some workplaces) there is no reason to tell them early.

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Yes I agree. I know it hurts, but he is literally hiding that you are engaged and telling you that he plans on hiding your marriage. Those are not the actions of a man who wants to be married to you. I'd strongly suspect that he doesn't want to get married, is having an affair, or both. Him saying you're crazy is total gaslighting. He's acting weird AF.

Isn't he still in the middle of a divorce? In your prenup post you mentioned he is still in court with his ex. I can understand that it is 1 draining to go through a lengthy divorce and 2 might make him feel a bit uncomfortable announcing a marriage immediately afterwards. You mention several times in different ways how you doubt your relationship. It is time to get counseling or take a step back until you can make a clear headed decision.

View Quoted Comment He’s been divorced 2 years. The whole thing took four and half cause she’s insane. She took him back to court two years ago for custody issues and he’s been trying to get his name
Off the house that she refuses to refinance. I’ve been by his side through a whole lot. So not he’s been divorced a long time. This is all custody stuff she’s doing to get more $$$

Listen to your gut. Right now it’s screaming at you. Telling you to think.
Getting married should be like jumping off a plane - if you have any doubts about your parachute, any at all, you can wait.

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I just can't for the life of me understand what his hesitation for half a year with these two guys was. They sit at 2 hour lunches all day and talk about their lives. I asked him last night, and he said he doesn't talk. I said do you ever mention me, things we do? things with the kids etc. He said no , he is private. I said when we got back from the trip in dec, and they asked how it was why didn't;t you say it then? he said cause they both had negative things going. ( one of the guys mom was in hospital ) I said well the other one announced how he was having a granddaughter - he said yea then I would be one upping him. One upping him??? By saying I got engaged recently ?

I don't get why he had to lie about when we got engaged. Couldn't he of said hey things have been hectic for everyone, and I never shared we got engaged back in dec. It makes me feel hurt and like he is not proud of me.. or us. Im really scared that he doesn't want it.. that is all i can think could be the reason. If you saw other posts , he kinda freaked when we began planning- telling me my parents needed to pay .( its not even a traditional wedding. it is a family dinner of 25 people max and a chapel service.) I don't think he wants to invest anything into it cause he is resentful that his last one didn't work out.

I am so on edge . i feel like i can't think at all. I think I am going to call a counselor and see if I can get some help processing this all. I feel like its me and Im just crazy.

View Quoted Comment Pay attention to how you feel. Is this what you want?
Think of how amazing it would be to be planning a wedding with someone who is excited! Someone who smiles really big when they talk about marrying you!
You’ve been together awhile, and that can lead to the sunk cost fallacy - where you have invested so much into something so it becomes hard to see that it’s not working. This should be a happy fun time.

View Quoted Comment I had that once my ex , my daughters father. He was ecstatic to get married. Helped me plan and made favors. The whole thing. He told the world.

View Quoted Comment Please don’t settle for someone that does not make it clear that you are a treasure that he wants by by his side.
Everyone expresses love in many ways, and comparison is the thief if joy. So I’m not saying he has to do certain things to show you. But do you FEEL loves? Do you feel like his heart is filled that you are in his life?
You don’t need to answer. I’m not an expert, but I did spend 20 years with someone who didn’t value me. And after he left a dated a few different people and while they certainly were not as dismissive of me as he was, they also didn’t care much about me - but it took me a while to really understand how to be treated well. You deserve to have your concerns addressed. You are not crazy to want the man you are going to marry to acknowledge to his circle that you both are joining your lives. That’s not crazy. It’s concerning that he pulls out the “crazy” accusation when you say something he doesn’t like. I could go on forever, but the important thing is that even if I were perfectly happy with my FH keeping me a secret, YOU are not. And you matter.