How to tell my parents...?

My husband and I started dating about a month after I turned 21 and we didn't get married until I was 27. If you're truly with the right person, there is no need to rush into marriage. And I agree with others who've posted that even though you're away from home and at college, that's still not a 100% real world that you're dealing with. I would wait until you're out of school and have been in your career for awhile and have worked through that large life transition together. I always thought I'd want to get married right after I got out of college, and now looking back I'm so glad we waited until we'd been out of school for a few years.

I think that if you don't get married right away, there's no need to necessarily call of the engagement, since it isn't an "all or nothing" type of thing. I know lots of people who have had 3 or 4 year long engagements.

I'm glad you really took everyone's advice to heart and have decided to wait. I'm sorry your parents weren't better role models (they sound pretty awful tbh) but congrats on working on yourself and trying to break the cycle. I come from an emotionally abusive family as well, and know how hard it can be to recognize the damage it has done and come to terms with it. It takes a lot of work to get over and to create a healthier life for yourself, but you are on the right path.

Don’t marry him???? At all??

Goodness gracious. You’re willing to lose everything for a guy you’ve only known and have been dating for a couple months,

It’s not worth it. Wait until you’re done with school and grow up a bit first. If you’re still so madly in love with each other, it will still be there when you graduate college and finish school.

Okay so I was kinda in your situation. I met my fiance at 19 and we both knew we’d get married one day. My mom wasn’t used to the fact that I had my own life so it caused issues sorta like yours. If your parents haven’t met him you need to do that first. Bring him around your family and hang out let them get to know each other. That’s what I did and everyone slowly started telling me that I should NOT let him go. Now we’re engaged and everyone is happy not all upset because they know and love him. You may need to push your date back because planning takes a lot of time. My biggest point is that you need to slowly work you way up to telling your family that you two want to get married

No judgment intended here, but that's a week before I'm getting married and we have currently been together three and a half years. We started dating when he was 20, and if we had gotten married at that time it would have been a huge disaster. Not only because we weren't financially stable, but more importantly, I think at that age you're not really emotionally stable either. We definitely didn't know what we wanted back then (even though we thought we did), and had no idea the trials that life would throw at our relationship. I think it's really important to date for a few years and, as others have said, to gain some independence, before committing your whole life to someone. I've also known people who have gotten engaged after a few months and it promptly ended six months later, just because of the stress they put on themselves by rushing into it. My suggestion would be to take it slow and let life throw you some curve balls to see how you both handle it, and whether it makes your relationship weaker or stronger.

"A good rule of thumb is if you can’t think of a way to tell your parents, it’s probably a sign you shouldn’t be getting married."

@Ash, this is not completely accurate, as certain members in my FH's family just don't believe in marriage at all. No amount of waiting would be very likely to change their minds on that.

"At 27 I re-met my FH and the love is different it is both all consuming and magical, but also practical and realistic. We share visions on our life because we each had time to develop our own. He pushes me to be the best version of myself and we know that in 20/30/40 years when the infatuation and romnce May fade we will survive because we are truly best friends who built a solid foundation. "

What @Laura said. I believe you should get married when you've had enough life experiences together to know what your goals and plans are and where that person fits into them, and if they share the same visions for their future. There are a lot of practicalities behind marriage - it's not all about the butterflies and the magic.

OP, just read your update. I am so happy that you guys made a decision that makes you happy. I am so happy that you have found such a supportive and loving partner. I wish you two the absolute best.

Speaking from experience, growing up with a dysfunctional family situation makes people way more likely to become dependent on someone and confuse it for love. If he's really the love of your life, it can wait. If he's not, then you might rush into something that makes your life a lot worse.

Hey, if he's the one, he'll be there when you're out of school and able to pay your way without your folks' support. I know it's hard to wait, I knew my FH was the one within three months of us dating, but we waited awhile so we didn't feel like we were rushing.

Heidi,

I was right in your shoes as a freshman in college. I met my now fiance and also knew within 3-4 months we were going to get married. Unfortunately, the "honeymoon" stage wore off and we straight up fought from month 12-14ish. This was a growing phase and an important stage that solidified our relationship and commitment to each other. My advice, wait a year, learn about each other a little more, have your first big fight and see if you guys can bounce back and be stronger. College goes by so quickly that a year will be gone in a blink of an eye. By the way, you can totally tell your parents that your thinking about marrying this guy, it's best to be open and honest with them especially since they are so invested in your education and life. A long engagement can be your jam. Best of luck!

I had the same thing when I had my first real relationship in high school. If it weren't for me being 17, i would have married him a week after we started dating. We lasted 2.5 years and then he left me for another girl. So glad I was too young to be independent or I could have been divorced.
On the other hand, my fiance and i got engaged after 9 months of dating.
I recommend ATLEAST 6 months of dating. For some reason that number is less frightening to adults. Also, it will give you time to really examine red flags.

You need to be far more financially independent before getting married. If your parents can hang small bills like the cell phone and car payment over your head, how will you manage insurance? Rent? Student loans? Electric and water bills? There is no rush. I waited 8 years to marry the love of my life. I was eager to get married for so long, but that made it even sweeter when the moment arrived. Focus on finishing school and just enjoy your time together. You are the same people whether you are married or not.

Wait. I got engaged at 17 to a guy I had literally never met online. We met about 7 months late and I begged my mom for him to move in. She said yes because she knew if he was up here at least I’d stay in school instead of dropping out and moving down here with him. We fought a ton. It was awful. When I finally broke up with him, I was single for about two years. It was great. I thought after three months I was in love and wanted to marry him. But god I had no idea what love of sacrifice was. Please wait. Finish college. If your parents are paying for your education, are you really ready to cut that cord?

Im not saying do not do it..... but you have not known this man very long. I do believe in love at first sight and all but are you really willing to sacrafice the relationshio with your family for a man you have only known a few months?

I don't want to scare you, but let me tell yoy a little story about what happend to my best friend recently.

She met this guy fell in love and was ready to marry him 2 months in. Her family and friends kept seeing all these red flag about the way he acted and what not. She was inove though and would not listen to her friends abd families concern. He really did seem like a nice guy, in fact the perfect guy. Well it only took another couple months until she found out he had a lot of control problems and he beat her.


When your in the beggining stages of a relationship you become so blinded by all the red flags. That is why I advise you just to wait a little longer and get to know him first. Maybe he is your perfect guy, but what if you ruin your relastionship with your family and he turned out to be horrible? Then who would you run too?

A lot of relationships turn out fine too, but just be careful whatever you decide. And always think through the consequences of your actions not just right now, but down the road.

Take your time with your new relationship. I know a few people who married fast. Their divorce and second marriage was just as fast...

I, like some others in this thread, will have dated my FH for 6 years by the time were married. Our engagement will be at about 1 year and 8 months. We wanted to get married while I was still in college, but I was financially still my parents, and they wanted me to wait until I was graduated first. Out of respect for my parents I would recommend respecting their advice. They've lived longer lives than we have and can definitely give guidance. I would also recommend having your family meet him and you meet his family. Give it some time, if he's your forever that won't be changing anytime soon.

Your parents will have no obligation to support you once you're married. In fact they don't really have any obligation to support you now either since you're over the age of 18. Everything they're doing for you is a gift so that you can get a degree and find a career that will allow you to gain your independence and support yourself. Should you decide to marry this man before you graduate then you should definitely be prepared to support yourself. If their acceptance of your SO and your relationship are important to you, then I suggest you slow your roll and give them time to get to know him. You're an adult and can make your own decisions, but those decisions come with responsibilities that you'll need to be prepared for. Perhaps you should start becoming financially independent now to prove to yourself and your parents that you're ready for such a big commitment.

I'm glad you guys decided to wait! You'll appreciate it.

I hope you've also taken the advice here to stand on your own two feet first. You can still be in love with this man and be an independent woman. It's so important for your relationship to be your own person and know what taking care of yourself feels like.

View Quoted Comment My parents have given me a credit card that they racked up over a thousand in debt before I even got it, and refuse to let me work more than 10 hours a pay period. You all think that them paying for my phone is a gift, but really, they get me an iPhone so they can track me with find my iPhone. If I don’t reply when I’m in class my mom sets off the tracker sound in the middle of class or work. They forced me into a financial situation where I can’t be on my own two feet. And that’s something you all don’t understand. I want to be independent. But when I’m working 10 hours a pay period, I can’t pay off the debt the put on my card, plus phone, and car. So it’s not that I’m being lazy and not doing it. I can’t. Because there are repercussions for going against them. Always have been.

My parents are similar, and I am going to tell you one thing. RIDE IT OUT! Honestly if they are willing to pay for everything, LET THEM! Do what they want for a few years. If this guy is really "the one" then he will still be around once you graduate! Do not put yourselves in that sort of debt just because you want to be so impatient! Wait, let them support you for the rest of school, then they might even help pay for the wedding. But don't be stubborn and impatient and start your marriage off struggling.