How to tell my family mostnwont be invited due to the fact my son wants a small wedding & i have a large family.

If your family is important to you then you should fully support and be happy with your son's decision on how he & his FW want THEIR wedding.

I think you should support your son's vision for his wedding. However I will say if their reason is money, can you offer to pay to cover the extra guests?

I don’t think that having a small wedding in any way means that family isn’t important to your son and FDIL. There are plenty of reasons they might have a smaller wedding, namely cost, a desire to stay out of/limit the spotlight that will be on them, and to keep the guest list to only those who they see and speak to regularly. Weddings can be incredibly expensive, and when you see the per person costs, who could blame them for wanting to cut the guest list and properly host the few guests they’ve chosen to celebrate with them? If it’s important to you that certain people be invited, you could offer to help financially and pay for those guests’ meals, bar tab, favors, place settings, etc.

Just keep in mind that at the end of the day, it’s not your day to plan, and if your son and FDIL want it a certain way, that’s their decision to make, not yours.

We have offered to pay for half of the wedding-not wanting any more control, but rather to be able to house the extra family

You had your chance at wedding planning when you got married. This is their turn to have the wedding they want. Their wedding is for the most important people in their lives, not yours.

If you are able to get past making this all about you, you could suggest hosting a reception for them and their extended family at a later date- perhaps something casual and fun like a BBQ or picnic?

Have another celebration for them.

Remember it's their wedding and not yours. It's their day to have who they want there. If you have certain people you want to see, have a party for yourself at another time. My mom is constantly saying this to me. "It's YOUR wedding, do what YOU want. I don't expect you to invite MY friends to YOUR wedding. And you invite who you feel close to, not who you think you should invite based on blood."

You know, as someone who isn't very close to her FMIL for various reasons... I appreciate that you are trying to be supportive to your fh and fdil's vision even tho you are not completely happy with it. And also that you are offering to help. I know you may have your vision, but supporting them in their decisions and backing them up in front of your family is the absolute best way to go for your future relationship with them. You can express disappointment but always show love first and foremost and again,,, make sure you don't express that disappointment in front of other family members to make the couple look bad.

Wanting to invite a bunch more people than the bride and groom want to invite IS trying to take control. The fact that they want an intimate celebration doesn't mean that family isn't important to them. I say this as someone who is inviting 30 guests to her wedding and my family is VERY important to me....but I have my own reasons for wanting to keep things pretty small and quiet, and that's totally legitimate.

As for how to tell people, just tell them, if it comes up. "Yes, they're having a very intimate celebration with a handful of people" and leave it at that.

If you have the money to spend, why not offer to host a separate "Celebration of marriage" at a later date with the guest list you want? They may or may not be interested but it could be a way to meet in the middle.

Honestly, I'd be pretty disappointed in my mother if she tried to tell me that my family wasn't important to me because I wasn't having a huge wedding. Try to see how your feelings look from the bride and groom's point of view.

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I feel your pain! Apparently weddings have changed over the years. Seems many bridal couples today just don't have the same sense of extended family. I grew up going to family weddings. My boys started attending family weddings when they were preschoolers.

I gave huge parties for my boys over the years. They had extravagant parties for their Baptisms. I always made sure they had nice birthday parties. We'd have annual Christmas Open Houses inviting all their friends, neighbors, and family. My boys have been blessed over years to have many people in their lives who loved them and supported them. When my older son was married, they invite primarily family. They also allowed me to invite a half dozen friends to their DW. And, as a mom, I've been invited to the weddings of the children and step-children of my friends.

Yet, my younger son is having an even bigger wedding - 200 guests. They and her parents are happy to let help pay for it, but I am not allowed any guests. You can imagine that my friends are shocked.

It's hard when you know that you won't be sharing this special moment with your loved ones. So, I will look as nice as I can and smile sweetly, and leave it at that.

It's their wedding, for them, and it's clear offers of money doesn't change their minds, or how they feel, so respect that they are comfortable with a small wedding. Perhaps offer to host an after wedding get together for family.

It is their wedding, not yours. You don’t have to make some huge announcement to your family saying that they won’t be invited.

You need to let them have the wedding they want and get over it. Explain to extended family that they want to keep things small and intimate. Be supportive of them or you will stir up a lot of drama and hurt feelings.

The wedding day is for them. I would focus more on the couple & the fact they found someone to spend their life with than all the people that won't be invited.

And lets flip this around. I also wanted a small wedding and gave in because my parents and my husband had all these people they felt they HAD to invite. I still have a lot of resentment and anger towards my parents because honestly throughout the process it felt more like they wanted another family reunion. My mother became hyper focused on their guests and their wants. More people means more opinions and can make things more complicated. If I had to go over with I wouldn't have given in. All the people they claimed had to be invited would have been just fine seeing the pictures later.

It's their wedding, so you let them decide what they want and get over it.

ETA: I wanted a small wedding, I wanted to elope, FH didn't so we compromised that we would keep our guest list small and no children. FMIL pushed and pushed with the guest list and allowing children to be there. FH's niece is now coming to the wedding and our guest list is over 80 people. FH and I almost cancelled the wedding and eloped last week. I'm resentful and angry and hurt. I'm not looking forward to my wedding, I just want it to be done. Maybe consider how they feel and realize it's not about you but about them.

DH has a huge family. Five siblings all with SOs, five cousins all with SOs that grew up down the street or in the same town so they might as well be siblings. Seven years of being together and when we go to family functions I say at least once “who was that?” Every family wedding we’ve been to has been 150+ to accommodate the whole family. We had 55. No one was upset or disappointed. Everyone respected our decision. Please be supportive of your son and FDIL. Their happiness should be most important to you.

You use the word "my" a lot. However, unless it's "my" wedding then it's not your call to make. You don't get to be disappointed because they aren't doing what you want. Resenting them for this will not endear you to them, and that kind of ill feeling cannot permeate this happy time for them.

I'm sorry that you're feeling disappointed. We had a super small wedding celebration (29 guests - and 17 of them made up our siblings and their S/Os) and my grandparents especially were upset that aunts, uncles, and cousins weren't invited. My MIL wanted to contribute financially to increase the guest list to include H's aunts, uncles, and cousins. It's just not what we wanted. Not that we don't love our extended families, but we wanted the event that we could afford. Some of the family members were pretty tiffed (mostly at me, bc every one looks at the bride in this situation for whatever reason) but they got over it.

If there is specifically a person or small group of people that you feel should be included, I would bring that up. Maybe they are willing to compromise and invite an extra 5-10 people if you expressed that it was really important to you that they come. Either way, you need to respect their wishes. What specifically are you worried about? Don't say anything to your family or friends unless they bring it up, and then you just shrug your shoulders and say "they wanted a very intimate wedding".

Do you realize you made this all about ‘me’? Clearly that have picked their VIPs for their intimate wedding, don’t try to strong arm them into more. And if someone asks you about it be gracious and say ‘oh they are keeping it small!’