How to tell my family mostnwont be invited due to the fact my son wants a small wedding & i have a large family.

I just want to give you and @Vicky a little perspective here. Those wonderful, large family celebrations that you remember from your youth and when your kids were younger were MUCH simpler and more inexpensive compared to weddings today. It was much easier to invite the whole family when weddings were basically a cake and punch affair. Also, several of my friends who have gotten married in the last few years ended up regretting the 200+ person guest list they were pressured to have. They spent their entire reception trying to chat for a few moments with each guest and didn't get to enjoy any of the party they had spent months planning!

You said it right there, "So most of the important people in my life will not be able to celebrate this wonderful occasion with us" ....."It is just heartbreaking for me because my family is so important to me."

This is THEIR wedding, not yours and unfortunately for you, it is what they want for their wedding. I understand you might be upset, but you need to look at it from their point of view. You got to have who you wanted at your wedding, and you need to realize that weddings are much much more expensive than they used to be.

Also, not everyone wants to be the center of attention, even at their wedding.

I hate to say it, but you sound like you are all about you, not about them. You need to get a different mind set and realize that as a parent, you need to give up the dream you see and start to see their vision for the wedding. Once you do this, you will be much happier and helping plan might just start to be fun for you.

You say you don’t want to change anything they’re envisioning, but by offering money for more guests that’s exactly what you’re dozing. As someone who invited some extended family to please other people (parents and grandparents of both H and I), I can tell you that if we had a do over, our list would be about 25% of those that were invited, and it wouldn’t have anything to do with the money.

View Quoted Comment

But you will be sharing this day with your loved ones. Your son will be there and presumably your other son too. Will there be no one else from the grooms side of the family there? Because you weren't allowed to bring extended friends does not mean you aren't sharing this day with your loved ones.

I'm going to sympathize first with you, Mom of Groom. It is very difficult to see so many changes in how things are done, and I do think society might be losing something when large extended family occasions don't occur so much any more. I think it is a little bit selfish to view a wedding as only for the 2 people getting married. If you really feel that, elope. Otherwise, you should think of the needs & feelings of your families and guests.

I see that some people have not invited people, and think everyone was "fine" with it. The bride and groom are not going to hear about anything that wasn't fine, from polite people. I was not invited to my oldest niece's wedding, and honestly, I shed a whole bunch of tears over it, as it was something I looked forward to for a long time.

And for those who say that we Moms had our chance to plan our own weddings, I would add that back when we were married in the early 1980s, we didn't get complete say in our own weddings. There were many more "have tos", and even though I myself did make many decisions, who to invite wasn't really in control by the bride/groom. The mother of the bride made all these decisions. So now when we approach our children's weddings, we don't get to make decisions, either. I can deal with that, but I'm just explaining the issue from the point of view of today's wedding Moms. We are, in some ways, getting the short end of the stick on both ends.

However, it is what it is. And now, the bride and groom make the decisions. So we mothers just have to get with the program and keep our mouths closed as much as we possibly can.

So, encouragement, Moms: We really do want our children's happiness, and we do want to welcome their new spouses. So, as Moms do, we set our needs aside, and support the children the best we can.

Please be supportive towards your son and your fdil. Speaking from experience as someone who also wanted a small wedding , it sucks to not have your parents support. Both my mom and fmil made me feel so guilty about not including everyone that it added more stress to the planning. In the end we compromised but I’ll admit if I could turn back time, I would’ve stuck to my original guest list number. But now deposits have been made so I’m stuck.

Key part of your question..." most of the important people in my life".

This is not your wedding. This is their wedding and if they want a smaller, more intimate affair, that is certainly their decision to make.

My future mother in law wants to invite her entire family. 98% of them I have never met and my FH has not seen in years or simply does not care for at all. Just because you are close with these people does not mean your son feels the same way.

We have actually postponed our wedding due to his mother feeling her whole family should be there when we made it clear we wanted a small wedding. We actually had to go to the point of postponing a year out jus to be able to deal with all the stress she was bringing on us.

Remember, this is not your wedding and NOT a family reunion. IF you want a family reunion...then plan one. If they want a small wedding, then that is what they should get. This is about them...not you!

You are setting the stage for a horrible relationship with your FDIL by trying to force your idea of her wedding on her. Step off and realize this is NOT your wedding, it is theirs. They do not owe people invitations...family or not. Let them have their wedding or you will have children that resent you for forcing them into something they did not want.

Best way to deal with it is realize it is their wedding day. They have a vision for their day and it clearly doesn't align with yours. Every person you wish to invite comes with a pricetag. If you aren't paying for the wedding, quite frankly you don't have much of a say.

Maybe if you offered to pay for the whole thing they would be willing to include all of your extended family.

View Quoted Comment

"I see that some people have not invited people, and think everyone was "fine" with it. The bride and groom are not going to hear about anything that wasn't fine, from polite people. I was not invited to my oldest niece's wedding, and honestly, I shed a whole bunch of tears over it, as it was something I looked forward to for a long time."

For me though some of these so called must invite guests I hadn't seen since I graduated high school 17 years ago. Or I saw them at other weddings and our conversation small talk that lasted all of 5 minutes. I got married at 35, a lot special things happened during my adult years. If you weren't there for some of the other major stuff IMO you really don't have to be invited to my wedding. Having to invite these extra people prevented me from going with some reception venues I was really interested in because they were too small for the larger guest list.

However, if you were very active in your oldest niece's life I can see being hurt.

View Quoted Comment

Yup! Pretty much!

View Quoted Comment

I am not taking about cake and punch. LOL!! I'll agree that weddings today are much more expensive for various reasons: the DW, renting out an event center for a day & half.

You are making a lot of assumptions. All the weddings of family and friends I've attended have always been the full dinner and a nice dinner! Alcohol! Music! Dancing! And, often a brunch the next day. For my family, it is usually a weekend affair. We have experience in large groups.

I can't speak for other moms, but please! Yes, the OP's son is having a small wedding. I did, too! There were only 23 people including the world class organist. Still, my FMIL invited her best friends. They were a lovely couple! I have no regrets. It worked out well. The bride and groom had about the same number of guests. My bigger family was offset with his extra friends. I thought it was very nice!

On the other hand, I did say that my son's wedding is 200 guests. That is their choice. So, yes! I was surprised about not getting any invites. It goes on from there. Whatever! Let's face it, most couples are just certain that whoever they invite will show up. Reality is a different experience. Only time will tell who will be there.

So, given that, I'm just not seeing the logic in your response.

I see that a lot of the mothers here are just sour that times have changed and their adult children are not to be controlled like they were. It’s like when anyone from a previous generation complains about how things were when they were younger and how kids are so spoiled and ungrateful today. And it’s not just you, moms, I absolutely think about and am sometimes shocked at how different things are for my students at school and for my teenaged cousins. But I’m not resentful and would never try to control my future children’s plans when they are ADULTS.

My FMIL wants to invite EVERYONE and yes, my FILs are paying for a big chunk of my wedding. My mom has not requested anyone to be invited, and when I ask for her input on the guest list, she just tells me to “meditate on it and the answer will come to you”. While our mothers are on the opposite sides of the involvement range, I love my FMIL’s excitement but I appreciate my mom’s trust in our decisions as adults. My FMIL’s insistence on inviting every cousin in the world (literally wants to send invites to cousins overseas whom my FH has never even met, even though “they probably won’t come”) has caused me so much stress, and has only highlighted for me how small and spread out my family is vs FH’s large close-knit family. It actually hurts, and as an anxious introvert, I would much rather have a smaller guest list with less attention on us, and to be surrounded by people we are actually close to and who care about us.

I know some of you scoffed at the idea that a wedding is just about the couple, but it literally is. Guests are there to celebrate the couple. Hosting is about the guests, but if I have talked to extended family for 5 min in the past 8 years, why should I spend $200+ on them? They mean basically nothing to me, and I mean very little to them. I’d rather save the money and use it on renovating the house they’ll probably never visit. Weddings are NOT family reunions. If weddings were still simple cake and punch affairs, sure, I’m sure a lot more of us would be willing to invite the whole village. But we have choice and agency. Respect that.

As to your question on how to get over the disappointment, that's just it. Get over it. Unfortunately, while it may upset you, it is not your wedding to deal with. They have made their own decision and may have a very good reason for it and that reason may not be any of your business. My first wedding had a very limited max in guests but getting married in his mother's church was important to my ex-husband. We had a very limited guest list because of it. This time I wanted a very small wedding but since our venue allows, we went all out and I am able to invite everyone I missed the first time. It's really on them and what's important to them out what they can or cannot handle/afford/ect. It is not your wedding to worry about the guests.