How to handle Fh’s family’s difference of opinion

I cant relate to this exact scenario but my FH is christian and my family is not religious so there is some tension there. We (my family) and his mom got into a heated argument one day and we never spoke about it again. i think when it comes to politics or religion u just cant bring it up. him and I never talk about it and it works for us that way.

Honestly, love, that's completely unacceptable on your future in-laws part. Where is your fiancé in all this? I'm obviously making an assumption about your "side" vs. theirs, but I wouldn't want myself (or future kids, if you choose to have them) around bigoted people. Your fiancé needs to majorly step in here. I'm sorry you're going through this.

View Quoted Comment I’ve talked to him about it and I just don’t expect him to step in cause I never would. Of course I’d love for him to say something to them and he has to friends, but with family its a different story, (lucky we don’t see them often, but they’re still invited to the wedding) I get he doesn’t want to start drama and I’m not asking him to. And I’ve mentioned to him how upset it makes me and how it’s hard to grasp the idea of these people at our wedding. And he apologizes but sometimes yes I wish he’d take some action and say something.

I’m really sorry to hear this, and please know that you are supported and Black Lives Matter. I would talk to your fiancé about how you want to approach this from a long term perspective. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t count on older family members to change so it’s about setting boundaries on your end. You should never be exposed to that and they need to understand that if you have children, they will have Black grandchildren - sometimes highlighting something like that can strike a cord like, “would you say that about your future grand baby?”

This hurts my heart for you. Please please please either have the talk with his family or have him talk to his family. My concern is if you guys have children, would you want your children to hear what they’re saying? To maybe even believe what they’re saying? You have every right to stand up for how you feel. They don’t get the right to make you feel less than.

I'd still ask him to say something to his family privately that some of their conversation is rather insensitive and makes you uncomfortable. I would hope that just helps them be more aware of what they're saying and realize it's not ok.

View Quoted Comment I like that idea. I’m definitely going to try that. Its been bothering me and I think if something isn’t said by him or me I’m just going to keep dwelling on it.

View Quoted Comment I never thought of it in that perspective thank you!

Apparently they didnt get the whole never talk about politics or death. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would have your FI talk to them as he grew up with them and has a better idea how to handle them. Next time it pops up maybe say hey I'm not cool with this topic, due you mind we talk about something else. It is easy to forget others when we speak what we think and just need a reality check. They might think that it's just a debate that you want to talk about and not thinking it offensive if not said so.

View Quoted Comment I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. Hopefully, they’re just genuinely unaware of how their comments/beliefs are insensitive. It’s good practice for your FH to politely stand up for you (and potentially his future children if you have some).

That is so rude of them to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry you have to go through that. Have you asked your fiance to talk to them about it? There have definitely been times I have not agreed at all with something my in laws said but I didnt say anything just to keep the peace (so out of character for me lol) because I know that if I have a bad relationship with my in laws, itll affect my relationship with my husband. At the end of the day, that is his family and he should be the one dealing with them not you. So if theyre making you uncomfortable I feel like he has to say something to them

I get that neither of you are confrontational, but this isn't about being confrontational, this is about them *respecting you as a human*.

If they can't do that, then they don't get to be around either of you.

Bare minimum: they keep their hurtful thoughts (opinions are for things like what's your favorite jam sandwich or TV show, not if other humans get rights) to themselves, you unfollow (not unfriend) on social media, and you and FH avoid them a lot.

Ideal: they learn. They sit down, shut their mouths, and grow a little. You can eventually be friendly, maybe even close.

Worst case: FH tells them, "Hey, you can either respect my FW as a human being, or we can go no-contact."

There are a lot of places offering helpful tips for those having to stand up to relatives, but... it's time for your FH to take a stand. (And, no, you should not be doing it. He needs to get out there in front.)

I can understand how you feel. I'm mixed black and white and my Husband is white. His family does the same thing. Where I'm quick to defend myself, he doesn't like confrontation with his family. But he did before we got married, and now his parents dont really talk to us. And that's okay. What I've learned is racist behavior and comments aren't okay. They won't stop until its addressed. Even during family gatherings, we stay for 2 hours then leave because It makes me uncomfortable to be around them.

I’m also in an interracial relationship and my FH and FSIL (especially my FSIL) speak up for me and defend me before I even get a chance to open my mouth. We have a child together and I think that opened my FMIL eyes to a lot of prejudice/racism that she would never have encountered otherwise. She never had to fear or protect any of her children or grandchildren in the way she has to for our child.


We were apartment hunting early on in our relationship and we couldn’t find any apartments in the neighborhoods we were looking in and my FH and his mother started to see why. Everything was fine over the phone but as soon as we went to look in person we never got a call back or it was “recently rented”. My FMIL has gotten looks and weird questions and comments when she’s out and about with the baby. Some people live in a little bubble and if they haven’t experienced it for themselves in such a way that it’s undeniable, then it doesn’t exist for them.
You and you FH may feel uncomfortable especially at first voicing your opinions but you teach people how to treat you and you’re teaching your FH family not to respect you. Also, by not telling your FH how much this really hurts you, you’re teaching him it’s not a big deal. An apology is not enough, changed behavior is the only way. If you guys plan to have children and you allow this behavior to continue you’re teaching your child that it’s okay to allow people to talk about them in that way and not stand up for themselves. You have to be strong for yourself and your future. It’s going to be uncomfortable but I rather be uncomfortable than disrespected or silenced.
My FSIL is gay and when anyone on any side of the family makes any homophobic comments I am ALWAYS there to defend her right to love who she wants and to let them know we don’t invite any kind of hate in our lives and if they do they won’t be a part of ours. We have kind of become each other’s advocates. Again, you may loose friends and family but those aren’t the type of people you want around anyway. Only make room for love and people who genuinely have an open mind to change in your lives. Be strong, you are worth fighting for.

A tip about the facebook situation: You can keep them as friends but unfollow them so they don't even show up on your feed. I have done this with sooo many people I can't unfriend but annoy me and I even forget I have them as friends. I've also felt offended ( for other reasons) by my FH's family and I've just grown tired of expecting them to change, so now I just see them a few times a year and that's that. The logical solution would be for your partner to stand up to them and let them know they're making you uncomfortable, but in laws can be tricky and only you and your partner know how to manage them. Good luck!

If your FH is really uncomfortable intervening, or if actually talking to them about it starts a huge fight and does nothing to change their minds, he can ask them to just stop talking about it around you. If they're forced to stop talking about it around you, that would make it easier for you to spend time with them, and it might also make them think about why their words make you so uncomfortable. Obviously it would be better if everyone could just open their eyes and realize that, "some groups of people get mistreated/harmed/killed way more than others, but that's fine," is NOT a reasonable point of view, but unfortunately we're not there yet. For now, they need to do whatever they can to make you personally feel comfortable, even if it's just shutting up.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling such pain caused by your in-laws. I can't relate exactly, but I do have experience dealing with my in-laws bigoted views, so I have a few practical tips.

Re. Facebook. If you really feel like you can't unfriend the offenders, then unfollow them AND set the friendship to acquaintance. They won't know you have done either of these things but it means that you won't see their hateful posts and they will only be able to see your public posts (basically, when you update your profile pic and cover photo).

Re. family gatherings when they say hurtful things. If your future spouse isn't ready to directly confront them, then you will still need to protect yourself. With my bigot, know-it-all father-in-law, I have learned to drastically change the subject. Like if he starts with, "These illegals...", I will immediately and loudly say something like, "How is [his grandson] liking his new preschool?" He usually can't resist talking about his grandson.

Or, if that doesn't work, I will ask him not to talk about X subject around me. I won't contradict him or challenge his "opinion", but I will just ask him to stop. If he doesn't stop, I will leave the room/the restaurant/wherever. It usually only take a couple of times to train people how they are allowed to treat you.

And finally, please limit your contact with these people. You and your future spouse do not have to accept all invitations to family gatherings and events. And even if your future spouse feels like he has to go, you DO NOT have to go with him. Protect yourself.

I sincerely wish you good luck and best wishes!

I have a really short fuse with that sort of thing.

There's always elopement

I'm sorry for all the tension though. That sounds miserable.

OP, if you're up to it, I'd encourage you to google "DWIL Nation" (dealing with the in-laws) and browse that board a bit. I think the advice there may help you see this issue in full view. Maybe you can post your story there, too, if you feel comfortable.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

View Quoted Comment Thank you this advice is very helpful. I talked it over with my fiancé he’s going to talk to his family and I’m going to unfriend his step mom on FB.