Honorary Bridesmaid? I just wanted to get some feedback from other brides!! PLEASE! :

This is difficult situation. I can see her point of view of wanting to honor her name and I think including her in the program is a wonderful way to do that.

I have not heard of an honorary BM, though it sounds like an interesting idea, I think it's not necessary. You have taken steps to have her be present at your wedding. I don't agree with your FMIL.

I am sorry for his lose and I hope you find a way to include her.

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You actually don't know if she would be your bridesmaid. There are a million reasons for why that may not be the case, eve if she were alive. But that's besides the point.

I honestly think it's extremely morbid. It's really nice to honor her in some way, but this just sounds very dark and morbid to me. But that's just my perception.

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I think its morbid, she isnt in the bridal party she is deceased, if she is not physically walking down the aisle she belongs in the in memory section. If everyone that I knew that passed away was part of my wedding party Id have 20 bridesmaids....

Shes just being ridiculous, Id just tell her you dont feel right doing it and she will go in the "in memory" section with your grandfather who is of equal importance.

Hi MH22 ~ welcome to WW

I find it interesting that the Twin did not include the deceased sister in his wedding.

Do you talk to the Twin's wife at all? Did the mother in law make these strange requests to her too? Maybe she can give you some tips on how to handle the mother in law?

~ good luck ~

What? How could she suggest such a thing to you and not her son who was the sister's fraternal twin?? That makes no sense! Either that or she did and he said "umm no"! I definitely think having a ghost bridesmaid is super morbid. I thought an honorary BM was a person who is asked to do certain tasks to help in the wedding planning but is not actually a bridesmaid who is in the wedding party.

You should do whatever you and your FH are comfortable with. Don't be pressured to do things that you don't agree with. Good luck!

I agree this is a very depressing request. I would be uncomfortable with it as well. I agree with talking to the FBIL's current wife to see what is going on.

What does your FH think? Does he have a strong opinion either way? His opinion should way a lot more than his mom's.

I would stick to the memory candle, I think it would be different if it was a recent passing and you knew her, then it could be a nice gesture, but I would just have her mentioned with your grandfather

I think you adding her in the program or lighting a candel is a great idea. put your foot down and say no.

Ok, that's just creepy....I think your memorial ideas are just fine.

I like the candle idea.. it seems like a more tactful way to honor deceased loved ones Maybe ask your FH to help field this one..?!

Good luck!

I think she is pushing this because her twin did not mention her at his wedding. Your MIL may have been hurt by this and regrets not speaking up then, and just wants to make sure the her daughter is mentioned. Let's not forget, she is a greiving mother. She may have been the only girl and now MIL won't have the opportunity your mother has.

If you don't want to mention her as an honorary BM, maybe you can have your MIL write something about her and put that in the program in the memorium.

And you could do the same for your grandfather.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and opinions! I share many of the same thoughts that you all do.

To answer some of your questions: My fiance doesnt really feel strongly either way regarding this. He was a only few years old when she died and is extremely close to his brothers. I dont think I even knew he had a little sister untill we had been together almost 6 mths and I saw a photo at his parents house, and even then when he mentioned it he did so in a very matter of fact way. I think the boys grew up acccepting that she passed away as a baby, but of course werent nearly as impacted as i am sure she was as a mother. I asked my SIL if it was brought up for their wedding and she said my MIL never even discussed wedding details with her, and only talked about the wedding though my BIL.

I am sure it is hard to only have boys and not have the opprotunity to plan a wedding with a daughter, and I have tried to always go over and beyond to include her and accomidate her requests.

Unfortunately, that has only seemed to blow up in my face. :/

Than you all for your ideas, advice and input. It has given me atleast a little peace of mind regarding standing my ground on this topic!

I agree with the ladies I think it is morbid. I have only been to one wedding where the included a member of the party who was deceased and he died while planning and was already incorporated into the wedding. I think you have a very nice and touching way of remembering those who can not be physically present at your wedding by lighting a candle in their memory and putting it in your programs. I would just explain to your MIL that this is the way it is going to be it's your day and if you don't feel comfortable with having her listed as a bridesmaid then I wouldn't. Good Luck!

@MH22 my sister passed away when i was 15, and she will be listed in our program as in Honorary Bridesmaid. There will be a smal version of my Bouquet and a photo of her on a table along with pictures of my late grandmother and FH's late grandfather. There wont be a big formal announcement, its just a little way for me to have a very special person in my life as part of my day without her actually being there. Yes it may seem morbid to some, but it was one of the first things i planned. She was my little sister and i want her to be part of the big day like all my other siblings

I Should probably mention that she died just shy of her 5th birthday, so we were a lot closer to her than say your FH who maybe hardly knew her if at all? I do believe its also different for me because it was MY sister and not my FH's sister. I say talk to your FMIL and explain how you feel. Maybe have the names of everyone who passed printed on the candle? or give her own candle with her name on it?

I know what you mean. However, everything worked at for me. How you ask? I started out with 11 GMS two dropped out. Which I said was okay because my two sisters can walk down the aisle by themselves. Well, FH wanted to add his deceased cousin and godbrother. So just to make him happy I put them in the lineup with a * beside their name and my sisters are still walking by themselves. so it all work out. If I were you I would see how FH feels and base the decision on him. that way whatever decision is made he will back you up completely.

I am so sorry to hear that Kiesha! I completely understand why you are incorporating your sister!

I wish I had the opprotunity to get to know my FH's sister. We are very family oriented people! My BILs are co-best men, and my SIL is my matron of honor, while my cousin who is like a little sister to me is my maid of honor. I think because our wedding party has numerous family members in it, my MIL wants Jessica's memory added as well. I completely can understand her point, but knowing that it wasnt important to my BIL or SIL and my FH doesnt care makes it difficult for me to do since I dont like the idea.

I underestimated how difficult wedding planning could be, and the unfortunate battles that may take place during! I knew this would be a tender topic, so I have always tried to approach it delicate and respectfully.

I think the situation you are in is a very delicate one. I do think that it is morbid and plces a larger empahsis on the fact that she is gone and will never be walking down the aisle like most mothers dream they will get to watch their daughter do. I had a boyfriend who's mother was very much the same way about his sister who had passed away. Making comments abou thow she would hae been doing this or that. I found it to be very uncomfortable.