Help! Uninvited guests at destination wedding

Don't reward bad behavior. Just have your FH tell his MIL that they will NOT have a chair and WILL be turned away from the door and it will be terribly embarrassing for her. They can go on the trip but it will be a vacation for them, not a wedding.

Who's paying for the wedding? Is FMIL contributing?

I'm wondering if your FMIL told them that their invite was lost in the mail or gave them hers...it just seems very weird that these people would book the trip without being invited to the wedding.

I would stay firm especially since your parents are paying not her!

ETA: I agree with @Holly (missed the comment before) I dont buy one bit that she didnt know they were going to book it! How would they know details without her telling them.

Could it be that your fmil wanted friends to spend the week with at resort?

You can tell them that it's fine to be at the resort and fine to watch the ceremony(there will be loads of people watching your ceremony) but the reception is for invited guests.

I'm with Team Stand Your Ground. Especially since it is YOUR parents hosting and not her, she gets no say in the guest list. I cannot believe she did that to you. Don't bend over on this or you set a dangerous precedent in your marriage that FMIL can do whatever she wants whenever she wants. I don't envy you I know this is such a difficult situation. Best of luck.

Tell FMIL that it's great her friends booked themselves a vacation but they will be turned away from the wedding. Also tell her that's on her, it's her fault and she should feel terrible for putting her friends in such a position,

This is the hill to die on. Right here. You and FI need to get together and say no to this, actually he should say no. She's so far out of line it's ridiculous. You don't want a lifetime of "I didn't KNOW, I didn't think" and blah blah excuses. Unfortunately you guys need to set ground rules now.

This is not your problem, it's FMIL's. You can't do anything about them coming on the trip, and I'd be gracious to them when you see them but that's about it.

You specifically said they can't come and she needs to respect that and take responsibility. If she invited them against your will, then she needs to pay for their expenses at the wedding, otherwise she can take the responsibility of uninviting them

Very rude. I'd be pissed!!

They can go to the resort but not to the wedding ceremony and reception

When it comes to weddings, I draw hard lines in the sand. Those lines are around cash bars, tiered weddings, self-catered weddings, friendors, crock-pot weddings, firing BMs, five hour receptions with veggie and fruit trays, and a few others (stuff like those BM dollar store invitation boxes). I also hate showers that include people who aren't going to be invited to the wedding, or bachelorette parties controlled by the bride that include airfare and a few nights in a hotel. A pox on all of that stuff.

What you're talking about....I'm a softy. You were absolutely right to explain that you couldn't, or wouldn't, accommodate another potential 24 guests. However, you're talking about two people, not 24, and while your FMIL absolutely broke the rules of etiquette while brazenly discounting your wishes, I'd be thinking about the two people who paid for the airfare, the accommodations, and the gift -- both innocent, and probably believing that they'll get their invitation, a mere technicality, soon. I don't know what standing your ground would actually win you, besides five years of cold interaction with your MIL, and after that, the unaddressed cloud of this wedding event that will grow and fester in both all of you. Sure, she's wrong. There's absolutely no question about that. Sure, she brought this on herself, but do you still want to be dealing with the fallout of this for the next 15 years -- with the potential grandmother of your future children? Your victory may be hollow.

I'd let them come, but you'd better believe that she, her son, and I would have a heart to heart that may be uncomfortable for her. I'd let her know, from this day forward, that you and your FH realize what an awkward position she's put you in, and how much neither of you appreciated that. She interfered. She treated you, and her son, as two clueless children -- people she could dismiss. I'd also let her know that if she ever pulled a move like this again -- even if the event is nothing more significant than a backyard BBQ at your house -- she will not be treated with such deference.

I don't know...maybe I'm wrong, but family life is what it is (and Geez, can it be messy), and I'm not even going to get into the far more pressing situations that could compel a couple to assemble on the battlefield with family members. Two clueless, well intentioned stowaways on the good ship Destination Wedding? My sword would stay in it's sheath.

I'm not going to argue with anyone (because I'm sure I'm in the minority). You asked. I answered.

I have no useful advice. This is, in fact, my worst nightmare and I fully expect my FMIL to pull the same stunt.

We are having a small wedding. FH decided he would rather invite friends he is close to than double the size of the wedding by inviting his many, many aunts, uncles and cousins (or try to cut some of them out somehow) none of whom he is particularly close to.

I have no family so for me, it was always only friends I would invite.

We're over a year out, STDs are still a few months away, and FMIL is already starting in on the "well, it's only XX extra people" and "So-and-so probably wouldn't even come."

Thankfully, my FH is great at standing up to his mom's nonsense so she knows they will not be receiving invitations from us. Still, totally expect at least some drama when invitations go out.

You have to seriously think about what you will 'win' by not allowing these people to come to the wedding. They were given wrong information they are a victim just as much as you. As well your FMIL is going to be a part of your life forever. Do you really want to start that relationship off on the wrong foot. I'm not saying she is right and she should get away with this, but there is a better way to handle this situation. Your wedding is short term. Think of your long term relationship with her. To be honest if my parents were paying and found out about this situation they would tell me to just invite them. They would rather pay then watch me stand my ground and damage a relationship.

Have an adult discussion with her about how this wasn't right and how behavior like this won't be tolerated in the future. She might still throw a fit but you can say you handled it in a respectable.

I get the people who are saying, just let it slid, but talk to FMIL, but I'm afraid if that happens you will just open the door. I'm going with team stand your ground. Your FH needs to have the discussion with his mother that while they are welcome to vacation, they will not be attending the wedding. He should also mention that you told her know many times, and since YOUR parents are paying they shouldn't feel obligated to pay for them.

You can't uninvite somebody. Have Mom foot the bill for the extra expenses. Lay the law down afterwards. You need to be the bigger person.

@Nancy - this is not uninviting. The hosts never invited these people.

@SwissMs MIL invited them. Same thing.

It absolutely is not the same thing. I feel bad for this couple, but FMIL was not in the position to invite these people. Unless she literally put her own invitation in a new envelope and mailed it to this couple, they should never have assumed they were invited.

And even if she did resend her own invitation, this is still on her to fix. OP is setting herself up for a lifetime of these stunts if she gets lets it go.

I am holding my ground. Let MIL know how you feel, suck it up and let them come. Be the bigger person. Think how those people will feel after being told they can't come after being told they could. Set up boundaries.

@Nancy, how can she set boundaries if she gives in on this? Boundaries start now. Besides, how do you think her parents feel when they are paying for this and they don't even get a friend. We say invite in circles and parents friends are not a circle invited.