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Savvy May 2020

Help!!! *serious answers only please*

Shametra, on September 20, 2019 at 2:11 PM Posted in Planning 0 42
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I REALLY NEED HELP!!! I have a female friend that identifies as male!!! And I want her to be a part of my wedding but I have no idea where to put her.. I haven't formally asked her yet because I have no idea what to do.. I dont want to make her a groomsman.. I was thinking maybe a bridesmaids but with a suit on... idk help with ideas please!!

42 Comments

  • Amber
    VIP February 2020
    Amber ·

    A lot of brides have had a "bridesman" or a "man of honor". Your friend can stand on your side with one of those titles in a suit that matches the bridesmaids

  • idosoon
    Devoted February 2020
    idosoon ·

    Your friend should definitely be on your side (regardless).

    I would ask them what they want to wear and then match it to the other bridesmaids.

  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
    Nothing wrong with having some suited.folks on your side! Wouldnt make sense to put your friend on your SOs side as they're HIS closest and your side is YOUR closest.

    Help!!! *serious answers only please* 1
  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·

    You really want him to be in your wedding - if he identifies as male, then you should identify him as a male. Not trying to be smart - I have a trans family member.

    Have a discussion with him, is he out as a male? Would he be comfortable as being a brideman?

  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·

    If he "identifies as male," treat him as male. That means referring to him as him (not her), using his male name, and dressing him as you would a bridesman, not a bridesmaid.

    It may seem silly to you. But the rate of suicide among trans people is extraordinarily high. And treating them as the sex they identify as (including use of their preferred name and pronouns) vastly reduces that. In one study, those who could use their preferred name and pronouns experienced a 71% drop in severe depression symptoms and a 34% and 65% drop in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. You really don't want to harm someone you see as a friend.

  • Ivy ORP
    Rockstar October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·

    First, if this person identifies as male he should be referred to as he and him. I know it can be a transition when it's new, but it will mean a lot to him to hear his preferred pronouns.

    There are plenty of men that stand on the bride's side and bridesmen these days. Find a tie, suspenders, vest, or entire suit to match your bridesmaid's dresses. You may not want to ask him to carry flowers (see how he feels), but there are plenty of alternatives that he can carry if you want.

  • B
    Expert March 2020
    B ·
    Ya, "he" is the proper term. Ask him if he wants to wear the same thing the groomsmen are but stand on your side. My maid of honor does not wear dresses. Feminine clothing really makes her uncomfortable. She will either have on a sleek female suit or she'll match the groomsmen clothes. It's up to her.
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·

    Please stop referring to him as "her". If he has told you he identifies as a male, it is beyond rude to referring to him with female pronouns.

    That being said, if he's your friend, he should be on your side.

  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica ·
    For our wedding, my husband's female best friend was on his side and my brother was on mine. She worn the same dress as the bridesmaids and he worn the same dress as the groomsmen. We referred to them as groomswoman and bridesman. I would have your friend wear the same outfit as the groomsmen, but have your friend on your side. The part that I think you're going to have a problem with is where your friend gets ready. The bridesmaids and the groomsmen might not be comfortable getting ready in front of this friend. I'm not sure what your friend's sexual preferences are, but I know I personally wouldn't want to change in front of someone that might be sexually attracted to me as it would make me feel very comfortable.
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    Just put him on your side o.o I had a bridesman at mine.
  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica ·
    I meant that my brother with the same tux as the groomsmen not dress as the groomsmen.
  • Meghan
    Super October 2019
    Meghan ·
    I’d start by referring to your friend as “him” considering he identifies as a male! But past that, there is nothing wrong with having him as a bridesman in your side. That is very common these days. My FW and I both have men on our sides as bridesmen. Let him wear a suit, or whatever he feels comfortable in.
  • Anna
    Expert August 2020
    Anna ·

    He can stand on your side since he is your friend. He can wear whatever he chooses- whether that's the same outfit as the bridesmaids or a suit like the groomsmen. Hope this helps.

    I have a male "bridesman" (is not trans) and he will be standing on my side and wearing a suit like the guys. It's not uncommon to see gender mixing on each side.

  • M
    Savvy October 2019
    Miriam ·
    View Quoted Comment
    You beat me to it,i agree with you 100%
  • Cassi
    Super October 2019
    Cassi ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I love seeing these pictures and wish I did this with one of my childhood best friends (still a very great friend) but this specific picture is so weird in the way they are intimately holding eachother in pairs... is that just me lol

  • Ivy ORP
    Rockstar October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I don't mean to be snarky but just because someone is attracted to females doesn't mean they will automatically be attracted to you. I am bisexual, should I not be allowed in any locker room anywhere?

  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I have no problem with anyone's sexuality. One of my best friends is gay. I would just not be comfortable changing in front of someone attracted to my gender. I don't necessarily like changing in front of people in general, but that's just me.
  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Also some people just aren't comfortable in certain situations. For instance, my brother-in-law just got married and his groomsmen are all very conservative rednecks for a lack of a better word and on his wife's side she had two gay men, one straight man, two lesbians and one bisexual man and the groom's side wanted nothing to do with them. I don't agree with the way the groom's friends acted, but everyone has different comfort levels. They choose to have everyone walk down the aisle in pairs, but no one linked arms because the groom's friends refused. My husband would have linked arms with the guy he was parked with and did at practice but the bride and groom choose not to have any of them link arms because some of them weren't comfortable with it. I didn't mean anything offensive. I just meant that some people might not be comfortable in certain situations.
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    View Quoted Comment

    "Comfort" is not an excuse for bigotry.

  • Ivy ORP
    Rockstar October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
    View Quoted Comment

    What you just described is blatant homophobia and it is not ok. Personally I wouldn't have felt comfortable with people like that in my wedding.

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