Help! One of my maids is in legal trouble and I’m honestly torn.

Oh gosh its so hard to watch a loved one struggle with addiction. You have to do what is best for you and your family but only you can decide that. Not sure if this is helpful in your case but this if from alanon and is all about the concept of detaching with love (not my words)

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members and close friends of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of helping an addict with recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.

Detaching with love offers another option—responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.

In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them—and to ourselves.

I m sorry you are dealing with now and wish you all the best. Good luck

I wouldn't necessarily "kick her out" but I would go ahead and let all BM responsibilities slide. She has far greater things to get straight right now, so I would expect her to stand in the day-of and that's about it. I think you should proceed with caution, because drug and alcohol addiction is so incredibly hard and taxing on both the individual and those who love them. Be prepared to remove her if you sense that she may be under the influence on your wedding day. I completely understand what you mean by you have to do what's right for you, FH, and baby and I kind of part ways with the PP's at that end. If you think her behavior is unacceptable/straining, you need to make the call that is best for you. Don't put yourself and your guests in a tough spot!

I agree with others that I wouldn't exactly kick her out, but maybe give some space for a while and don't give anymore BM duties. Honestly it sounds like it might play out that she will either back out or can't go anyways, so you might as well not seem like the "bad guy" by kicking her out and just be the supportive friend.

She might be incarcerated by the time your wedding rolls around. Without knowing the specifics of the incident, having a prior DUI, being 2x over the legal limit, and having prescription drugs that aren't hers isn't a great look. I'd maybe let that play out first and go from there. If she's convicted, her being a bridesmaid is pretty much a moot point. If not, I think it would be worth sitting down with her and telling her that you're concerned about her behavior and having her around your family given the choices she's made. It might also be a good idea to draw a line in the sand and tell her that if she does anything like that again before the wedding that you don't feel comfortable having her there. It's a hard spot to be in for sure, and I wish you all the best ❤

I don't think you need to do anything right now. I would wait and see what happens. If she's a good friend despite her serious issues, then I would treat this as a friend problem vs a wedding problem. At any rate, a discussion with her about your concerns for her health and safety might be a good idea.

I would not kick her out without seeing something that could actually cause a problem to the wedding. Many people struggling with substance use disorders are able to pull through for important things and hold it together for weddings and other life events. But at the same time, if it is getting worse, it may be causing you some anxiety in you that something could happen and that you would have to worry about her your whole wedding day. Her being arrested and addiction is not a reason alone to kick someone out of your bridal party or not invite them to the wedding. It sounds like the big concern is you feeling like you have to worry or take care of her on your wedding vs her supporting you. If you are feeling like a bridesmaid needs that level of attention from you, I can see how it would make sense to not have her in the bridal party anymore. You should not have to worry about someone like that on your wedding and the day needs to be as stress free for you. I would have an honest conversation with her. Not saying "I am thinking about kicking you out" but rather express your concerns and depending on how she responds it will help make your choice. You need a bridal party that has your back that you can be transparent with, and if you can't do that then the choice may become more clear.

Totally agree. I wouldn't remove her I would just expect nothing from her. I think you including her will hopefully show you're trying to support her in any way you can and show her you still love her despite everything she's struggling with. But if you think towards the wedding you might have a bigger issue, maybe try to gently bring up your concerns to her and go from there