Hello! So here's the story:
My fiance and I got engaged a few months ago! We were proactively discussing wedding details before we were officially engaged. All very exciting times. I told then-BF (now FI) that I wanted to have four bridesmaids (my closest friends/family, I have no sibs). Fiance agreed and was kinda struggling to figure out who his guys would be.
Fast-forward, we're now engaged, a year out from the wedding and my fiance says he wants to add in his brother-in-law as a groomsman, which increases the wedding party. I asked FI about including BIL before our engagement, but, FI said no. I was surprised by the change of heart, but, I have a lot of close friends so it wasn't an issue to add another friend. I have a group of friends that are going to participate in all of the fun stuff, like bachelorette party/bridal shower anyway. But, FI wanted me to pause on asking the last BM, Danielle. He has met her a handful of times. FI has no issues with Danielle, we went to her wedding and we've gone double dates with Danielle/husband. So I felt FI wanting me to pause on officially including Danielle was really odd. But, since I was excited about the wedding process and wanted to treat all of my friends equally, I spoke to Danielle about being a BM. She was thrilled!! Happy ending, right? No, it turns out that my fiance's sister and her husband wanted to be in our WP without actually telling me or my fiance. They then spoke to my FI about it without me present and they told FI expected to be in the WP.
When I found out, FI and I agreed to compromise and find another role for sis, I had no problems with his sis. We're simply not close. We have a superficial relationship, never had a convo on our own. We're in different places in life - there's a 10+ year gap, she's married with children (40s), I'm a 20 something Cali girl, we're just different. She doesn't text me directly if she wants a favor from me, she'll text FI to ask me. Never bothered me because I got that we weren't close. So to me, it would be weird to make her a BM over a close friend. When I told sis that she would have another role in the wedding, just not as a bridesmaid - all hell breaks loose. Sister is hurt and feels insulted. FI told me that I have to get rid of someone to include sister or we would need to increase the wedding party for sister. Essentially, if sister is not in WP, as BM, sister is going to cause all kinds of problems. We're planning a small wedding of 70, we didn't want an army of people in the WP. I thought this was pretty ridiculous given the relationship sis and I have, but, it turns out that she expected me to ask her to be in WP. Not asking her to be in the WP has turned into a family war. She is refusing to speak to me and this has been going on for over a month.
TBH, this whole situation is worrying because FI's family is acting like this is normal. They said sister should be in the WP as it is their tradition. FI and I are different backgrounds, in mine, we don't throw people in the WP for the show, it is actually supposed to be meaningful. The funniest part is that FI and I had a few convos with his family about the WP before engagement and no one said anything about including sister/BIL. If you have strong feelings, wouldn't you say something? But, on the other hand, the fam doesn't see anything wrong with a grown woman saying that there will be a long-standing family issue if she isn't a BM. They all keep saying this is how she is and I'm being difficult for not including her.
At one point, I was willing to make her a BM if we actually spoke and had a real relationship. I would want to have a friendly relationship with my FH's sister, but, I can't believe that people make an issue over something so trivial, not offering to help/do anything for the wedding, yet have demands. But, since this is still an ongoing issue, at this point, I don't want her to be a BM. If she is making a big issue over not being a BM, I don't know what is next. That's the short version of events - I can elaborate if necessary! Thoughts on how to move forward because this whole thing has put a sour note on wedding planning since I'm not sure what will set off future hubby's fam next? Thanks!