Help!! Do i have to attend my best friends wedding??

Wow! That’s very weird. Are you actually in the wedding? Do you have a bridesmaids dress? With 600 people she may just be super overwhelmed but it’s very odd that you didn’t even get a formal invite. Did your mutual friends get an invite?


If you can’t afford to go then you shouldn’t go into debt to attend. However if you can swing it I would attend if I were you. She’s a good friend and it’s a big special day. Maybe look at staying at a more affordable hotel. I live in NYC but am from the Bay Area so I fly back and forth a lot. $800 a ticket is outrageous. I usually pay about $300 round trip. Have you checked again for cheaper flights? I know you’ve already spent the money but if you find something cheaper maybe you could get a credit for your current tickets and use it for your honeymoon.

Sounds like she kept you out of the loop to be spiteful. If you were going to be involved in the wedding the day (getting ready, ceremony etc) you would know already! What did she say regarding not getting an invite? Fyi, i’m from CA getting married in NJ bordering NY in October— we found roundtrip tickets in/out of Newark for less than $800 total 2 passengers. United I believe.

I think if you are good friends, you need to ask her to have a zoom date (that's what my bestie and I call them, she lives out of state). Tell her you want to catch up. I think you can get a good sense of where someone is if you talk on the phone or zoom. If she seems distant and wishy washy, just address the elephant in the room. If she can't make time for a phone call or to chat. I think you respectfully bow out of the wedding and say you give her a free pass to not be in yours.

Maybe try looking for a flight that is not nonstop? Not ideal but will usually save you chunk of money needed.
Also try looking into flying into Newark.
I think I am little confused on timing as well. Is her wedding in “exactly one month” or “October 2021” because you mentioned both. If it’s October then you have some time to flight track and find hotel options, there are definitely plenty.
Does it suck that she is forgetting to give you details? Yes. Sounds like she honestly is just not a great planner. Ultimately it’s your decision with what you are comfortable with. Good luck!

I know we all do crappy things once in a while...but what makes her your "best" friend? None of this sounds like even a decent friend. Sounds like a couple of girls drunk at the bar who were excited to be getting married and a whole lot of miscommunication.

I would politely decline, don’t break the bank for an event of someone who is supposedly your good friend, when there was no formal invite or anything. Focus on yourself and your own wedding. Send a gift in the mail if you feel inclined to do so.

I'm confused. You said she's getting married in October 2021, which is three months away. I'm also an October bride and have not sent out invitations or communicated anything about getting ready the day-of to my bridesmaids at this point. It sounds like she's extremely overwhelmed by planning a bigger wedding than she originally wanted, so unless the wedding isn't actually in October, I would cut her some slack.

I’m also a bit confused about timeline as you mentioned the wedding is in 4 weeks but October is 3 months away…?


If it actually is 4 weeks until the wedding and you don’t have any info then I think it’s fair to have a talk with her about it not being realistic. If the wedding is in October, I’d try to go even if only yourself. It sounds like she got herself in way over her head - have you had any normal (non wedding related) convos recently? Maybe she needs some help. If you choose not to go then I would accept her doing the same and drop out of your wedding. It’s also very possible the two of you have simply outgrown your friendship and it’s only now becoming evident.

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She's getting married first week of August, I have no idea why/how I typed October. So much on my mind lately But funny enough her day job is being head of an event planning committee!! Thank you for your advice x

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October was a typo- she's getting married the first week of August. My brain has been like scrambled eggs through all this The thing is is that we don't really have that type of relationship anymore where I can be forward and ask what the heck her deal is. Like I said, we only see each other every few years and we only ever catch up via text (she's not one for phone calls). So yes, I've definitely grappled with the idea that we have outgrown our friendship. Part of me feels like she maybe did this on purpose, even if it be subconscious, to have an excuse to back out of my wedding too.

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October was a typo- she's getting married the first week of August.

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Totally. I had a really rough time in college and she was my rock through it all, I think that's what makes me feel so sentimental towards her. She helped me survive a really difficult few years of my life. But college is the only thing we have in common now, and we are far past though days (both 27 now). Looking back I asked her to be a bridesmaid out of what I felt was obligation, but I definitely have numerous friends I'm much closer to.

I don't think anyone should go into debt to attend anyone's wedding. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

But I also think since she is one of your best friends, you should make one last effort to communicate with her and get clear information. Call or FaceTime, don't text (since texting allows too much room for vagueness). Ask direct questions and make sure she answers you. That way you will know for sure if she is planning for you to be in the wedding party or not, if she truly wants you there or not, and then you can make your final decision about if it's worth it to you to stretch your budget to attend, or not.

The short version is you do not have to go to her wedding. It's cost prohibitive and completely understandable that people can't just drop $3k to go to someone's special event. But is the wedding in a month or in October? If its in October, flight prices could change, you have time to search for deals, and you don't actually need to RSVP until usually 3-5 weeks before the wedding, so you have time to decide. If its in a month, then I really would have followed up with your friend before now.

It sounds like your friend is in over her head. If she is inviting 600 people it honestly won't matter that you are there or not, especially if you are just on the guest list and not a bridesmaid. My best friends did not attend, therefore I had no bridesmaids, and I was saddened and hurt by it, but I moved on. We had only 47 guests at our wedding, and the amount of time I really spent with any one guest was so minimal. If she never gave you info about a bridesmaids dress or included you in her wedding party plans, your absence in a sea of 600 guests is going to be a blip at most.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for taking the time to reply Kari, I appreciate it! As I mentioned above, she spontaneously asked me to be a “secondary bridesmaid”- meaning I won’t be standing up at the alter with her but instead I’ll be sitting in the front row with her other friends whom she asked to be “secondary bridesmaids”. I guess the only true “bridesmaids” standing at the alter with her are her sisters, but she says she still wanted to include her friends somehow? A detail I didn’t mention before is that it will be a small, intimate ceremony, then 600 people are invited the reception. The whole thing is really bizarre and not well organized. I’m not sure if you read that she is supposed to be a bridesmaid in my wedding too, although it wouldn’t crush me if she ended up not being at my wedding either. Still so stuck on what to do

If I were in this situation, I would respectfully decline.

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I'm curious if culture is playing a part in any of this, that might be causing some tension. If her parents or in-laws are paying for her wedding, they might have a much bigger say in how her bridal party or day goes than you realize.

I am also curious how you feel about being in a room with 600+ drunk people you don't know and the current global health climate. 600+ feels a lot more like Mom and Dad's (on both sides) friends, family, and colleagues than people you would enjoy seeing again. If you are looking for a graceful way to bow out, stating your health concerns approaching your own nuptials might be a decent way to go about it.

For me, I would say if you aren't comfortable talking to her directly about why you have concerns with the current amount of information you have: 1) you shouldn't be spending 3K on her wedding 2) her MoH has dropped the ball on Bridesmaid wrangling (I'm currently a MoH and a bridesmaid for two weddings) and 3) she likely won't notice you are gone day of.

$3000 is more than a months salary for me in my job and I'm working in the field I have a masters in. I wouldn't be able to spend that much money on anyone's wedding, and I don't think you should have to for this. If you won't be DEVISTATED she's not at your wedding, I think its best to bow out. The question I would ask is "Would you spend $3000 of your wedding budget to have her in/at your wedding?" Because that is what the cost seems to be relating to. It's a hard spot to be in, but that's an astronomical amount of money to me.

This is what I would do. I would call her and tell her that you will be unable to attend. It is too big of a commitment for a friendship that is no longer close enough for her to even show you the most minimal respect. This is not a case of being overwhelmed. She doesn’t care if you are there or not. Move on and put effort into friendships that are fulfilling and enriching to your life. I would be polite and wish her the best, but be firm and unapologetic

View Quoted Comment A “secondary bridesmaid”? What an insult. She sounds very disorganized and if you’re not even a true bridesmaid, you are just a guest. And she didn’t send you information or anything like that. I’d probably skip the wedding (3k is a small fortune) and send a nice card/small gift.