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Champion July 2019

Having a Hard Time

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Veronica, on August 26, 2019 at 9:32 AM

My brother-in-law is getting married this Saturday which is exactly 6 weeks after our wedding. I am having a hard time with this because his fiancee has copied a lot of our ideas for their wedding. We had gotten engaged 2 days apart which I wasn't thrilled about. When we first got engaged, I said I wanted to get married in September and within 2 hours she told us they were getting married in September. She also told us their wedding color was red, which was the color my husband and I had picked out for our wedding way before we got engaged since that is the color of his favorite hockey team and she knew that. So we picked a different theme and everything, but then she changed the color for their wedding so we went back to red as our color. We also decided to get married in July instead of September since they told us that's when they were going to be getting married. Fast forward, we started planning our wedding. She had mentioned she liked the idea of using photos of them as children with numbers as their table numbers which was an idea I had so I decided not to do that since they were going to. Instead, we had a video created with photos of us growing up. She has now decided she likes that idea better and is going to do that for their wedding too. Her and I were discussing invitations the one day and she picked ones almost identical to what I told her I planned on using for our invitations so I looked for other ones so that they wouldn't be nearly the same thing. She also told me a few weeks prior to our wedding that they hadn't decided on programs but suddenly after our wedding she tells me that they had picked out programs that are nearly identical to ours and she said they picked them out months ago so she either lied when she told me they didn't pick anything out or she lied and they picked them out after seeing ours. They also couldn't decide on what to do for their unity ceremony and are now doing something very similar to our sand ceremony. I just don't understand why she can't seem to come up with her own ideas. It is like I have an idea and suddenly she wants to do it too. It makes me feel like our wedding isn't as special as it was supposed to be because they are doing similar things to ours. My husband told me I just need to let it go, but it's hard when I worked my ass off planning the wedding and had dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl.

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Devoted September 2020
Anna · on August 27, 2019 at 8:22 AM
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Some people legit have no creative bone in their body... like me. I literally copy from pictures I see online all the time. Lucky for me my taste is different from those I’ve known who’ve gotten married recently so I don’t copy their style because I didn’t like it to be honest. If you have the weeding first, even if she does copy a bunch of things the same, everyone will known she will have copied.
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Dedicated January 2007
Sandy Yoga · on August 27, 2019 at 9:12 AM
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But none of the ideas you have mentioned were original either. They’re standard wedding ideas, so you also got them from somewhere. I went to a candy bar wedding 15 years ago. I’ve been to several weddings using the colour red. There are only so many unity ideas. I’ve heard multiple times of people doing sand. Invitations and programs aren’t all unique. No maybe it sucks that she is using so many of the same ideas, but they definitely aren’t original.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on August 27, 2019 at 9:22 AM
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She isn't using red anymore because my brother-in-law convinced her not to since he knew we were planning on using wedding. The programs we used were infographic which I had never seen at a wedding before. I found them on Etsy and thought they were really unique and different since I never saw them done before. As for the invitations, she used ones that were red rather than green which is her wedding color and red was ours which she knew. They were going to do a tree planting ceremony but after she saw us do the sand ceremony she decided she liked that better. I know my ideas aren't original but she could have found her own ideas like I did. She kept coming to me with questions about what we did. I would give her ideas of stuff I saw on Pinterest but it was never stuff I planned on using. For instance, they are having donuts rather than a cake, but she wanted a cake topper so I sent her photos of a cake topper for donuts. Before my brother-in-law suggested the tree planting ceremony, she wasn't sure what to do so she asked me. I suggested different things including tying the knot or them using different paint colors to paint a picture both are very different from the sand ceremony. So even though we would discuss wedding stuff, I was careful not to give away the ideas I liked. The thing I find interesting is that she has a Pinterest but she doesn't appear to be using any of the ideas she pinned on her Pinterest.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on August 27, 2019 at 11:20 AM
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Honestly, the only person who seems to be comparing the two weddings is you.... I don't want to be mean, but your reactions (including restating and repeatedly defending your position that she's poaching all your ideas, which are all pretty common wedding ideas to start with) make you sound very immature. You can absolutely continue to obsess about this and harbor feelings of anger and jealously, or you can do as your husband suggests and let it go! The ONLY thing in life you can control is your reaction. You can continue to be upset or you can decide to focus on how wonderful your wedding and marriage is and hope your new sister-in-law has the same. Life is short, and if you're lucky family is forever (or for a very long time). You can be bitter and angry or grateful and happy; life keeps moving on regardless of which you choose. Good luck!
PS -- and if you believe your MIL and soon to be sister in law try to "make things a competition," you do NOT have to engage. The easiest way to deflect/shut that behavior down is to not play into it. MIL: "Oh, I think Susie & John's wedding might be better than yours was!" You: "I'm so excited for them, I'm sure it's going to be awesome." Then CHANGE THE SUBJECT. Don't argue about how yours was better.... The more you engage, the longer the behavior/conversation goes on.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on August 28, 2019 at 11:40 AM
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I am definitely not engaging in the conversation about whose wedding was better. It isn't a competition. Every wedding is beautiful in it's own way. My soon to be sil doesn't know I'm upset about the things she is coping because I am trying to keep peace. My husband is the only one who knows I'm upset. I am trying to be an adult about it. In fact, I will likely be helping decorate the morning of their wedding. They are making all of the centerpieces and everything else on their own and my future sil isn't sure who is going to be decorating since she will be busy getting ready so I offered to help if she needs it. She is worried about everything coming together. I would be too if I was decoratoring my wedding without having help. Stuff also isn't done yet that should have been done awhile ago like writing their vows which they both just started this week. They are also having donuts instead of a cake and she is hoping the groomsmen can pick them up but I also offered to do that if she needs someone. I'm not in the wedding so I will help in any way I can. Although I am not happy about them coping, I would want them to have a beautiful wedding and I actually get along great with my future sil despite my annoyance with things she is doing.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 28, 2019 at 5:03 PM
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Why didn't you speak up then. And say, your son and I are an adult couple when or how or if we decide to have children is none of anyone else's business. Do not ever speak to me again in any way about family planning it getting pregnant, or anything private. You will know before a baby is born, and that is it. And hold your ground. Standing there not saying anything is your problem. Bring it up with her, and make the boundaries clear, immediately. No intrusive personal questions. Ever. Period. And no snooping. No getting between the two of you, or between you and other family members. You are an adult. So is your husband. You will deal directly with other family, and do not want or need mommy to do it. If you do not set boundaries NOW, it is your fault if this continues. Before marriage, it was fine for your FI to deal with his family. Now, after marriage, you can directly speak to her about not interfering. He can do it too, but you cannot never correct her, then blame her for continuing this garbage. Speak up. Politely, or at least be civil. Don't get drawn into a fight. Just be firm and clear. And you can stick to realizing that whatever your brother in law and his wife, or other family, make decisions about, is their business. Starting with their wedding.
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Expert September 2021
Ka-Rina · on August 28, 2019 at 5:23 PM
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If she's a tomboy chances are she has no clue where to begin planning a wedding - a day in ur life when everyone looks at you and you are supposed to be/look/act feminine. Give her a break
And nobody will give a damn that ur invites or menues are similar. They all go in the trash anyway.
It's sorta childish to be so hung up on this. Making a big deal out of something so little.
I hope you get to enjoy their wedding!!!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on August 28, 2019 at 6:29 PM
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Oh I did once I realized she was serious. I told her we were going to have a baby whenever it happens and we aren't going to put off having a baby. My husband and sil have also told her, but it doesn't seem to click. She seems to think that's her decision no matter how many times we tell her or who tells her. As for the wedding, I know they can do what they want. It is just annoying that some of the stuff is the same. I will most likely be helping decorate for the wedding so I am putting my feelings aside to help make their wedding look amazing.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on August 28, 2019 at 6:33 PM
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There is stuff online to help with wedding planning that she could have looked at, but I think the fact that my bil wasn't helping at all and that she travels a ton for work she probably got overwhelmed so she reached out to me. I was trying to be nice by helping or giving her someone to vent to, but I never thought she'd copy stuff.
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