Guest list - when did you assemble yours?

I put together a roughen draft of my guest list before looking at venues. We had to make sure we met minimums or had enough capacity to fit everyone. It also helped us with budget. The list changed a bit before we sent Dave the dates but not too much.

Our wedding is set for January 2022, and we got engaged July 2020. We wanted to get as much booked as possible since COVID has postponed so many weddings and vendors were booking up fast.

We assembled a rough draft of our guest list in early November of 2020 because we knew we were going to tour our venue soon, and were pretty sure we were going to book them if they had our date.

If you don't have a venue set, then I'd try and get at least a rough estimate of the groom's side ASAP so you'll have a better number to go on. If you do, then I think you can wait a little while until you get closer to the date they'll send out save the dates. This is what we did with my FMIL because she also took forever to get us a list lol.

I really think the guest list should be one of the first items to do. Not finalized, but the couple needs to get a rough idea of how many people they want prior to booking a venue. We see a lot of times that couple have booked a venue for 75 max and their guest list is at 150.

Everything I’ve read is that budget and guest list go hand and hand and you shouldn't book your vendors without knowing an approximate guest list. I guess it depends on far along they are in the planning process. But A rough guest list should be done very early on. I’m curious as to why you need to see the “mother of the grooms guest list”? Unless you are comparing numbers or paying for the event.

We did it before looking at venues since we had to tell them how many guests we expect. I (the bride) have been keeping track of that, not my mom. If the groom's mother is being slow about it then it may be better for her to send it directly to the couple, as she may have a closer relationship with them than with you.

I have a draft of my guest list already for an October 2022 wedding. I have a seating chart already as well, and can shift around if people decline.

We started our guest list the weekend we got engaged. We had an 8 hour car ride home so I figured it was the perfect time to get started because we wanted to look at venues right away and needed to know how many people we were expecting.

Not sure I get the concept of a mother of the groom’s guestlist, so that may be part of the issue here. For us, we as a couple sketched out a rough list of who we wanted to invite before we started looking in to things like catering and venues. Having a rough draft was pretty key so that we had numbers and could get accurate & specific cost quotes. (This in turn helped us determine the need to be a little more discerning with our dream guestlist and trim it down to a more budget friendly list of nearer and dearer most important to us guests).


After we made our own list, we consulted the moms to make sure we hadn’t missed anyone or if they felt strongly about certain people we should include or exclude. There was some discussion here, but not a lot of change— our original list included relatives on all sides and some old family friends , friends of our parents who were important to us as well.
While the groom’s mother may be welcome to help and weigh in, I think the general expectation would be that creating the guestlist is the responsibility of the couple, so that may be part of the issue in getting a set list from her. So, instead of just repeating the request for a list that she has to come up with on her own, I’d change the approach and encourage the son and your daughter to sit down with her and go through and formulate her side of the list together.

I am also confused. I'm not sure why you or the mother of the groom are involved with the guest list. Typically the bride and groom create the guest list on their own and might ask for some input from the parents, but it is ultimately the bride and groom who create the guest list not the parents. That being said, the guest list is one of the first things the bride and groom should've done. I normally recommend creating a budget and guest list then looking for a venue. I wouldn't recommend booking a venue or any other vendors until you have a guest list because a lot of things are based on a per person system.

I agree with other posters that your question is odd considering that the bride and groom decide the list, not the parents. You work on the guest list toward the beginning. You need a ballpark number before you can figure before you figure out budget and find a venue that fits. As soon as the venue is booked then the save the dates need to go out to the finalized set in stone guest list. Be aware that you cannot revoke a save the date once it is sent.

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I guess I don't see it as that weird. Once we made our list we asked both moms for their lists of people they would expect to be invited to see if we forgot anyone. We definitely vetoed some people on both lists, but we had to choose between venues that held 175 vs 150 so we needed to know pretty close to final. It could also be that each set of parents gets a certain number of invited guests on their own (while some don't like it, it still happens in some circles) and she needs to know how many to expect.

Just to reassure, there is nothing odd about your question especially if parents are paying for the wedding. My daughter deemed me her "wedding planner" while she was finishing college as she had no patience/time to deal with with guest lists, venue searching, etc. especially because she was located in a different area for school and wedding was to be here in hometown. I created Google spreadsheets that we could both see/update for guests and she/I also had difficulty getting list from groom's side. I agree with PPs that at least a close estimate to numbers should be given prior to getting the venue.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I’m used to it. Every time I have ever posted a question on here I get snarky answers. Everyone’s wedding is personal. We were being considerate and asking her to assemble the family’s guest list. Like you, my daughter is finishing college. She has asked for some assistance from the grooms mother in assembling a guest list. Which it appears isn’t a popular decision on the forum. Rest assured…last question I’ll ask on here.

View Quoted Comment Etiquette is pretty clear. Typically guest list is divided 1/3 to brides family 1/3 to grooms and 1/3 couple. Not unusual. Google it. Or. 1/2 couple and 1/4 each the bride and grooms family. Again, I find myself sorry I even ask questions on here. If the couple would like to include family in the guest list making who’s to say that’s wrong?

View Quoted Comment Google it. Typical for families to have a guest list too. And your comment isn’t correct. My daughter has had her venue booked since 2019. Her venue holds a wide range of guests. Count was not an issue at that point. So save the dates should not go out when venue is booked. I would never send save the dates in 2019 for a 2022 wedding. I am well aware a save the date can not be revoked. Certainly not my first event I’ve planned.

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I wasn't trying to upset you. Typically the bride and groom decide the guest list, but if they ask for your input then that's fine. I asked my parents if there was anyone they wanted to invite and my husband asked his parents the same question. In fact, both sets of parents helped us collect addresses. I think it is completely fine for you to be included in making the guest list as long as your daughter asked for your input.

We put together our rough draft guest list (including a list from my dad, one from my mom - divorced parents, and one from my FH's family) before we started looking at venues. We then trimmed them down a bit to get to a number we thought was feasible for us and cut people we hadn't seen in years. Both families are helping (well not my mom) financially to a degree but we're still paying the bulk of it so we really didn't cut many, because we wanted them to be able to have a say. My FH's mom had high school friends who my FH hasn't seen in probably 20 years, but his parents were invited to the friends' kids weddings so his mom thought it rude to exclude them so they're specifically paying extra for that table. Once we booked our venue, we really have only looked at that list once or twice since to double check we included someone, or to remove someone toxic from our list. I'm sure when it comes time for save the dates, we'll go over it again.

View Quoted Comment That is outdated etiquette, now that weddings are smaller then they used to be, and most couples host the event themselves. It's totally fine that they're asking for your input. I recommend having the groom handle things with his parents since it seems they aren't great at communicating with you.

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I don't think it's odd that both parents get some say in the guest list, but I do think now is the time for your daughter's fiancé to take over this task. You've been super accommodating to his mom by giving her time, but she's taking advantage of you being relaxed. Now is the time for her fiancé to say "Look, Mom, we need your list by X date and if we don't get it then we will do our best to include everyone we can think of but if we miss someone it's not on us and they won't be added in later."

I had my side of the family/friends already typed up and ready YEARS before i dated anyone/was engaged... and once engaged he and his mom got me their side within the first 2-3 weeks of being engaged!