Guest List Guilt?

No I am brutal. It's my money. Sorry not sorry.

I have major guest list guilt. It's the one thing that has stressed me out from the very beginning, and I thought once we made the decision who to invite it would go away, but it hasn't. We decided to have a small wedding (about 40 guests, most of which is immediate family). FH has a pretty big family with a lot of aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. We only invited half of his aunts/uncles and a few cousins. I didn't invite anyone from my Dad's side of the family, which I am ok with. It's easier to exclude a whole side of the family than have to pick which ones you're going to invite.

I tried to start spreading the word early on that we were having a small wedding so that people knew and might be more understanding if they didn't' get an invitation. When we told FH's mom that we were having a small wedding, she assumed (and told people) we meant that we were inviting just the aunts and uncles - which wasn't the case. We were never planning to invite all of the aunts and uncles. We gave ourselves a limit to how many people we could invite and only had room for a few, so that put us in an awkward position. I think some of them were expecting to get an invitation and didn't. I'm worried that when the family we did invite arrives they are going to be wondering where the rest of the family is. I just don't want it to be awkward for everyone, and I know that it's going to come up at our family gatherings. FH's mom made a point to tell him that someone's feelings were hurt that they didn't get invited. We don't need to hear that - we already feel bad. It's the only major thing that I have been worried about and it won't seem to go away.

As much as I stand behind the decision for not having kids at the wedding, and I feel that my reasons are justified; I still feel bad, especially since two kids in particular I would love there but to me it's an all or nothing thing. I also feel bad that I am not inviting colleagues, again I think it's an all or nothing thing and I just don't have the budget.

Maybenotmaybe- your FH and his family are really not supportive of you- I would be pissed! But if you are concerned about it being lopsided- have your ushers just have people split up. My DH's extended family didnt come (live across the country) so we made sure the church looked full on both sides.

And yes, OP- i had some regrets that are smiliar to yours but people understand, and if they dont- oh well!

@Sue I agree that it is all or nothing. Adult only weddings are pretty common, people know that weddings are expensive and will be understanding.

@JHazel I feel for you! I can be so tricky when it comes to extended family.

We have one friend that we had to cut from the list that I feel guilty about. He has been asking our friends why he isn't invited. To be fair in the last 2 years we have seen him maybe 3 times. Any time we try to make plans he is too busy or just doesn't show up. When we are only having 80 people it just didn't make sense to invite him.

Guest list guilt is the WORST. And then last night, one friend who is invited told me she'd "see me at the wedding" ...in front of another friend who I didn't invite (I wanted to, but we all have to make cuts). I felt awful.

For what it costs to have a wedding in NJ? I'd be very, very picky. Not everyone wants to be invited, nor does everyone want to come. (See Lame Excuses thread...)

Yes, definitely a little bit. There were several people I would have loved to have invited, but couldn't due to being at the max capacity at the venue, and the majority of the guest list were family members, so we couldn't invite many friends of the family. However, there were one or two couples on my side, and several on FH's side that FILs said we *had* to invite, that have declined (and we knew they likely couldn't come to begin with, but there were a few couples that were planning on coming according to FILs but also declined). So I feel bad that there could've been space to add more people to the list that we actually wanted, but we chose not to "stick to our guns" with the FILs and the guest list, so we let them invite those couples. But at least these couples declined so there weren't as many complete strangers at our wedding.

I have one person coming from my dad's side of the family. I talk to them a decent amount of time since they aren't local, but FH's huge family and my monster in law took over most of the guest list. The one person invited isn't even my dad (which I'm fine with).

Agree with Kimberly. When putting the guest list together, we both had to take our emotons out of it and look at it for what is: the guest list determines your budget. We immediately decided to have an adult only ceremony and reception. This cut our guest list dramatically. For family, we cut the list at 1st cousins and there spouses. For friends, they get a plus one if we both met their significant other. Is it difficult, yes. But in the end, I can live with their hurt feelings, but spending money we can put towards our family/future is not an option.

@Christine I wouldn't feel guilty, as long as she knows that she would've been invited if circumstances were different.

@Celia that's true.

My strategy has been to not talk about my wedding around people that aren't included (coworkers etc) and not posting things about my wedding on FB. I hope that people that didn't get invited in my circle of acquaintances will understand.

Moving from Denver to San Diego 18 months ago really made it clear who my true friends are. Those who I have spoken with, who make time to see me when I return to Denver, and those who I talk to about real things on a regular basis are the ones getting the invites. My flakey "friends" who no-show for happy hour and never return my calls, they didn't make the cut.

I am feeling guilty for not inviting more of my parents friends and our family friends. Through I suppose I could still invite them down the road if we change our mind. FH is not inviting any of his extended family and none of his parent's friends. We are inviting extended family on my side instead of my parents friends.

FH keeps wanted to add people. He thinks because many people from Mexico can't make it that he can just add more. No. There's no need to invite your co-workers daughters because they wait on us at a restaurant. Ugh

I have zero guilt ::shrug::

Yes i have a very large family with alot of cousins around my age and older family members that "have to be invited" luckly FH has a TINY family, like his entire list is like 20 people thats his whole family plus some family friends. But i still have major cuts on my side that i feel bad abojt and people i cant even think to invite beacause of how large my family is

Honestly? Not really. When it came down to it, I realized a lot of the people I ended up cutting were only on the list for nostalgic purposes. A few of those people were upset and no longer speak to me, but it just reinforced my decision, because real friends would have understood or at least asked me about it before cutting me off. There are some people we added to appease our parents, but I didn't have to cut my close friends (who are like my family) to accommodate them. Everyone that I truly want there is receiving an invite, and I think that's the way it should be.

I had more guilt about the friends I couldn't invite. I did invite one friend (and his gf) a bit out of guilt (As soon as we were engaged he offered to host our engagement party) but honestly inviting him to the wedding brought them both closer to us again and they are proving to be awesome couple friends! Plus turns out they are moving two blocks away from us at the end of the month!

I have no guilt but FH on the other hand wants to invite everyone. Umm no. I want to keep it small and he wants to essentially invite all his Facebook friends. If he keeps it up he will get to invite no one. I warned him I would be a bridezilla; I wasn't kidding.

FH and I both have small families, or so sticking to our 75 person minimum hasn't been that difficult. However I really wanted for our wedding to be adults only, but now we are having 2 kids. One is the son of one of our BM and GM and is FH's godson. The BM's mom and boyfriend are also attending as they are like FH's second family, so everyone just assumed that the godson was invited. He doesn't have any other family in the area to watch him, so we just rolled over on that one, at least he will be 8 at the time of the wedding and will be sitting with grandma. The other is my mom's best friend and her husband, I like them a lot, but their daughter who is my age whom I grew up with (but we never really got along very well) had a son about 2 years ago, I have never met the son or the son't father. They live out of the country, so of course the son has to come. So I got guilted into having 2 children attend. I know this won't be the end of the world, but our friends can get a little rowdy and idk if it would be the best environment for kids. I assume though that people with kids would tend to duck out earlier with the older crowd? At least my venue did offer a kid option for chicken fingers and fries at 1/2 the cost of the regular plate, although children's plates don't count towards our minimum.