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Rachel
Beginner October 2021

Groomsmen are ruining my wedding

Rachel, on September 14, 2021 at 11:42 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 47

The groomsmen have complained about literally every detail (the invitations not being sent sooner, the way the tux looked, not having a rehearsal dinner because they wanted a free dinner, the menu for our wedding night, the lists goes on). Last weekend they had their bachelor party and I BEGGED my...
The groomsmen have complained about literally every detail (the invitations not being sent sooner, the way the tux looked, not having a rehearsal dinner because they wanted a free dinner, the menu for our wedding night, the lists goes on). Last weekend they had their bachelor party and I BEGGED my fiancé not to go. He agreed. They ended up going to one anyway after pressuring my fiancé. My fiancé told me and they were pissed at him for telling me. Caused a whole huge fight. Now we’re asking them to spend an extra $27 on their ties because the ones that came with their suits are the completely wrong color. They’re refusing to pay and saying it’s our fault for getting the wrong ties but the formal store didn’t offer the correct ones. I just do not know what to do. My wedding is in a month and these groomsmen have made me hate each and everyone of them with their horrible behavior. Keep in mind that this is the very short version. I guess I’m just looking for opinions on what to do and if I’m overreacting. My bridesmaids have been nothing but angels. I just don’t understand why men who are almost 30 are acting this way. They spent hundreds or thousands at the strip club but can’t cough up and extra $25. Especially when we’ve spent so much on them already, money that we do not have because we’re literally broke and have an infant..

47 Comments

  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    None of it sounds dumb individually, in my opinion. The invitations and menu things, they just shouldn't even have an opinion on. They know they have to be there. I've been in wedding parties where I didn't even get an invitation. And wedding food is wedding food. It's a free meal, and they are welcome to choose their menus for their weddings when they get married.

    "...they told my FH to either take an Uber alone back to the airbnb or go because they were going with or without him." Yeah, so he had a choice and didn't take it. My husband's turned down friends on the "we're going whether you do or not" more than once. He was still responsible for the choice he made. If the choice is "go back alone or do something that will hurt your wife," well... the answer there should be obvious.

    The rest of it just begs the question why he wants to be friends with these people. He chose these people, not only as groomsmen but as friends. They are who they have always been, and he is clearly fine with it. Again, choices he's making. It's great that he's honest with you, but he also needs to face his decisions. His friends calling him names is between him and them.

  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    I agree with this. I think at this point you should just pay for their ties - or you are gonna cause unnecessary stress for yourself and unnecessary drama within the group. As far as the strip club, your husband is a grown man. You can't be mad at the groomsmen, because your husband decided to go. That was HIM going against what you wanted, he could've simply said no. No matter how much "peer pressure" was involved, he didn't have to go.

  • Samantha
    Rockstar October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Yeah, why are they even coming to you with all this? Good lord!
  • Daniella
    Dedicated July 2021
    Daniella ·
    • Flag
    I'd take deep breaths and channel your energy elsewhere to enjoying the moment leading up to the wedding, It goes FAST!! The groomsmen are the least of your worries and everything will come together in the end, so no need to sweat the small stuff. Men are easy and usually they dont care about the details but the are human so maybe some of their concerns are valid🤷‍♀️. I also, agree with others on the tie, just buy it. It was an oversight on your end. And the Bachelor party, your husband obviously wanted to go lol. And that's okay! It's his moment too! Let your husband handle the guys and trust his judgment, as it's really his role to do so, not yours. Honestly the less off your plate as a bride the better!
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I agree with all of this. But the [really important] bottom line is if you let other people "ruin your wedding", that's on you. Your wedding day is too important to allow petty dramas to ruin the whole thing. Make a commitment to yourself and your future spouse right now to pick your battles and only focus on the truly important things. This is for your own sake and has nothing to do with your FS's friends.

  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    You seem to have a groom problem with respect to the bachelor party. If he went to the strip club, that's on him. He could have easily gone back to the airbnb. He knew how you felt about it and chose to disregard your feelings. That's on him, not his groomsmen.

    They should not need to get two ties for the wedding. If you want a different tie, it's up to you to purchase that.

    The menu/invitation timing seems like a weird thing to complain about.

    If you're not having a rehearsal, then you don't need to host a rehearsal dinner.

  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride Online ·
    • Flag

    You forbid your fiance from going to a bachelor party? he should have gone if it was his bachelor party, and if the ties were the wrong color then you shouldn't ask your groomsmen to rebuy the ties? I would most definitely offer to rebuy the ties for the groomsmen if it was your mistake, and 28 dollars may be a lot to them, I would take a break and reflect on how acting I get being stressed but you may be a little demanding

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
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    I’m sorry I wrote the wrong thing. I wanted him to go to his bachelor party, they had a ton of fun activities planned. I however did not want him going to a strip club. We talked about it ahead of time and it was agreed he wouldn’t go. I meant in my OP that I didn’t want him going to the strip club, not the bachelor party.


    If you read my other discussions on here I did say I’m going to buy the ties. That’s why I needed other brides opinions. I do not feel like I’m being demanding. Some of the groomsmen sent us the money no problem and were very confused about why the others would be mad when it is part of their outfit. I understand having to pay more money sucks but we asked, we didn’t demand it. Being in a wedding is expensive (like I said, I was in two this year alone), their are requirements for it. That’s just how I feel personally and if it were the other way around, I wouldn’t have thought twice about being asked to get the correct tie for a wedding I am in. Weddings are expensive for everyone. And in the end I’ve tried really really hard to save my entire bridal party as much money as I possibly could. But once again I am buying the ties. I’ve been nothing but totally understanding with all the guys and I’ve tried to listen to their many complaints and alter things for them.
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow Online ·
    • Flag
    If you are "literally broke" and have an infant, you should be having a wedding within your means. That's on you and your FH.


    Why are the groomsmen complaining to you and not your FH? These are his friends. Their complaining about the menu and invites is ridiculous and makes no sense. Let that kind of thing fall on deaf ears.
    If you are having a rehearsal, you should have a rehearsal dinner. No rehearsal, no dinner needed.
    Lime versus sage ties aren't a big deal. I'd make peace with the color or eat the cost of new ties.
    The groomsmen were awful for planning a strip club for your FH's bachelor party, then telling him to go back alone if he didn't want to attend. However, your FH is a grown man and taking an Uber is not that hard. The groomsmen are also awful for telling your FH not to tell you.
    The bigger question is, why is your FH best friends with people who willingly exclude him from a party in his honor, then tell him to lie to his future wife? That's on him.
    The groomsmen are annoying and crummy friends and deceitful. Your FH is the one who decides to keep such company. He chose to go to a strip club. Your responses to a lot of the smaller stuff is overblown.
    I agree that a lot of your anger is misdirected.
  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Well to clarify, our wedding is within our means. But we have a budget set. And I wasn’t exactly planning on spending money on ties. Yeah that’s on me but everything in my wedding is so cheap that that is one of the bigger expenses now, more than the cake, half the price of my dress, more than decor. Just sucks but yeah it’s my fault I guess on the ties. They didn’t have sage for any tuxes so I tried to just not get the ties but they said it came with it anyway. We knew from the start we’d have to find ties and so did the groomsmen. I guess I don’t understand why it matters if it came from the formal shop or not. It’s part of the groomsmen required attire. That’s why I didn’t think anything of it and that’s my bad. Like I said before, I am paying for it. And again I don’t think my anger is misdirected because I’m mad at them for being like that. I’m not misdirecting my anger from my FH to them. I’m mad at them for their behavior. And believe me I’m still mad at my FH too. It all just sucks lol.
  • C
    Just Said Yes December 2022
    Christy ·
    • Flag

    They're being rude. End of story. Your feelings are totally valid. (I actually just told my fiancé about this post and he agreed) If you said no strip clubs (that's a stupid single guy thing to do anyway) and they knew where you stood on it then it never should have happened and they're being disrespectful. And if you're going to be in someone's bridal party the expectations are pretty clear when you said yes: be supportive of the couple's wants and needs which includes paying for your attire. **That's the entire point** The couple chose you because they thought you understood the assignment. The bridal party gets gifts on gifts on gifts (because that's somehow standard now) on top of getting a free meal(s), drinks, an amazing night you spent $$$ and stressed about for months, and professional pictures (which they benefit from), the LEAST they can do is follow the color scheme.

    I also don't understand why everyone is being so hateful in the comments??? did the groomsmen create accounts just so they could respond and continue to be rude to you????

    All that being said, my advice is: determine whether or not you might think you'll be bothered by these issues in the years that follow your wedding because that will inform how you talk to your fiancé about these things because this is clearly taking an emotional toll on you. But no matter what you should talk to him about it. And if that doesn't work (or if you don't want to cause a potential rift) then you should charge your bridesmaids with giving the groomsmen the same type of treatment you're receiving from them.

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Finally someone not making me feel totally crazy haha. I talked to my FH about it and we both agree that they’re rudeness and behavior has really put a damper on our relationships with them. He said that if they start one more thing he’s going to ask them to step out of the bridal party and switch them out with other friends who have already agreed to be on standby lol. Luckily it’s not all the groomsmen. There’s three that are extremely confused about the others’ behavior about everything and are equally mad. My FH has also said that after the wedding he never wants to see or talk to those guys again which just really sucks for him to have to go through this. These people are supposed to be your support system. Not the ones causing drama.


    Love the idea about the bridesmaids lol. They’d totally be down because they’re very mad too. Especially at the end of the day, the dresses they chose cost more than what the groomsmen had to spend. But before anyone else gets mad at me, I’m reiterating that it’s not just this specific thing. There has been countless things. And I’ll list them because I know people will ask. They were mad that our venue is 30 min away from our town. They were mad we weren’t providing housing since it was 30 min away or paying for their ubers to go there. They were mad because they didn’t like the tux my FH picked out (even though my fiancé loved it and was so excited. It’s just a basic gray tux). They were mad that we aren’t having a rehearsal dinner (we’re not having a rehearsal, just a run through the day of, they specifically said they wanted the free meal and deserved it). They were mad that the invites weren’t sent sooner (they were sent two months before our wedding date). They were mad that my FH didn’t keep the strip club a secret from me. They were mad because they didn’t like the meal we picked out for the reception (chicken, carrots, potatoes, appetizers and dessert). It’s been criticism over every decision we have made. And it’s not even like my FH is just telling them this. They’re asking and then getting mad at our answers even though personally I don’t think they have a say in any of our decisions. Regarding the suit, I want them to be confident and feel good in what they are wearing but it’s literally just a gray tux. There’s nothing unique or weird about it. I don’t know how anyone could complain about it. Then they were mad at my FH saying that he should have let them pick it out?
    I just feel like the groomsmen are supposed to be the support system just like the bridesmaids. My fiancé picked these guys because they’ve been friends since high school and he did not expect them to act like this. And I know a lot of people are saying that it’s his fault but he didn’t know this would happen. Big rant but I feel like I have to say all this since everyone’s criticizing everything I’m saying and probably still will.
  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    Are you having a rehearsal or not?

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
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    As stated in previous replies, I am not having any rehearsal. We were going to do a run through before the ceremony and that it is. No rehearsal, no rehearsal dinner.
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
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    Next time you’re looking for someone to just validate your dramatic feelings and not actually offer constructive advice or insight, just say so at the beginning of your post so people don’t waste their time trying to help you.
  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
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    People here always latch on to the one person who agrees with them, and not the other 25 who don't. It's rather fascinating.

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Hey, I did take the advice? I’m paying for the ties because of everyone’s responses. I just don’t know why those who disagree with me are being so sassy about it lol. I was obviously looking for opinions and listened to them.
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
    • Flag
    Also, the line about the standby groomsmen is one of the grossest things I’ve ever read here. That coupled with the line about how your fiancé plans to drop them as friends after the wedding plus his willingness to attend a bachelor party you asked him not to attend (but tell you he was forced into it) makes me think your fiance has major problems with confrontation.
  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
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    He only came up with standbys because we thought they were going to drop out of the wedding because they were so angry at him for telling me about the strip club. But yeah we’ve got other guys in mind because of how horrible they have treated us in the past few weeks. My fiancé does have a confrontation problem. He’s a really nice guy and people take advantage of him and manipulate him often because he doesn’t want to cause any drama or make anyone upset. Also never said he was forced into the strip club, just pressured and given an ultimatum. I’m sorry I’ve offended so many people with this post? I really didn’t expect this backlash and I’m sorry. I really was just trying to vent and figure out what the right choice was. I am paying for the ties now but I still feel like there are larger issues at hand that people aren’t addressing. They’re just focusing on my mistake but aren’t being helpful towards the whole. Just insulting that one decision I initially made and already fixed. Sorry again y’all! Definitely wasn’t trying to cause any issues on a WeddingWire forum lol.
  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    Btw already message WeddingWire community to have my post deleted since so many people are upset with me so just waiting on that Smiley smile
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