Discussion closed

Rachel
Beginner October 2021

Groomsmen are ruining my wedding

Rachel, on September 14, 2021 at 11:42 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 47
Saved
The groomsmen have complained about literally every detail (the invitations not being sent sooner, the way the tux looked, not having a rehearsal dinner because they wanted a free dinner, the menu for our wedding night, the lists goes on). Last weekend they had their bachelor party and I BEGGED my fiancé not to go. He agreed. They ended up going to one anyway after pressuring my fiancé. My fiancé told me and they were pissed at him for telling me. Caused a whole huge fight. Now we’re asking them to spend an extra $27 on their ties because the ones that came with their suits are the completely wrong color. They’re refusing to pay and saying it’s our fault for getting the wrong ties but the formal store didn’t offer the correct ones. I just do not know what to do. My wedding is in a month and these groomsmen have made me hate each and everyone of them with their horrible behavior. Keep in mind that this is the very short version. I guess I’m just looking for opinions on what to do and if I’m overreacting. My bridesmaids have been nothing but angels. I just don’t understand why men who are almost 30 are acting this way. They spent hundreds or thousands at the strip club but can’t cough up and extra $25. Especially when we’ve spent so much on them already, money that we do not have because we’re literally broke and have an infant..

47 Comments

Latest activity by Alyssa, on September 16, 2021 at 1:21 PM
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    First, your fiancé completely disregarded your feelings about him going to the Bach party - that’s not okay. He is a grown man getting peer pressured by a group of people who are not. his. friends. These people should be cut from the party. After he apologizes to you, he needs a serious talk with them as they owe the two of you an apology if he still wants them in the wedding. They sound like terrible people.
  • JM Sunshine
    JM Sunshine ·
    • Flag
    Since I do not know when you sent invitations, what the tuxes look like, or what your wedding dinner is, I do not feel I can comment on those issues. However, I do feel that if the wrong ties were ordered then that is on you (or the store) rather than your groomsmen. Why should they be penalized for the mistake? It is not up to you to judge how much they spend on things they choose to (Bachelor party, etc.).
  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    We knew from the start that we couldn’t use the ties that came with the tuxes. They only had a lime green and the wedding color is sage. Being in a wedding is expensive, I’ve been in two myself just this year. If the bride and groom request that you need something for your outfit, you agree or say you cannot afford to be in the wedding. What does it matter if the tie came from the formal shop or not? It is still a requirement for their groomsmen outfit. I just don’t really understand your point or why your criticism is so strong. If you disagree you could be a little less harsh. Thank for the feedback though.
  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yeah I agree. That’s been a wholeee argument. I’ve been pushing for them to be cut and replaced by better friends that he has but unfortunately he doesn’t want to do that. Just a few days ago we weren’t even sure if these guys were going to be in the bridal party because they were so angry at my fiancé for telling me they even went.
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    Why were you "begging" your FH not to go to his bachelor party? You do realize, right, that was pressuring him, just like you say his friends pressured him to go.

    As far as the ties - I think you ought to be buying them. If "it's only $27" is a good reason for them to buy them, it's a good reason for you to buy them. The store only had lime green? I'm sure they had black ties. Why not just get those? That's on you.

    If you're that broke, perhaps you shouldn't have been spending so much on a wedding in the first place.

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    $27 is a lot different than $200 but go off. I had a budget I’m just trying to stick to it. How was this reply helpful in any way? I personally feel as though it is the groomsmens job to pay for their outfit. I paid for my entire outfit in two other weddings and made no complaints and supported my friends. Had to make last minute changes and racked up expenses for them and it was no biggie because it was their wedding and I knew that as a member of the bridal party I would have to spend a good amount of money to enjoy that privilege.


    I didn’t care if he went to his bachelor party. I was a happy for him. But I said no strip clubs. That was my personal boundary. I just think it’s not a way to celebrate a marriage. I support other women who are okay with that, I’m just not. And was clear about it.
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I have to agree with Pam with regard to the ties. If the boutique only had lime green ties and those are what was ordered but you want sage, it isn't really fair that the groomsmen are now being asked to pay more money for a second tie because the ones ordered are the wrong shade. Either a different colour should have been selected from the suit shop, or the ties left out from the order altogether and purchased separately (to avoid paying twice).

    It may only be $27 but no one wants to pay twice for something that could have been avoided. You have a budget that you're trying to stick to and I am sure they do too.

    Regarding the other things, I would personally dismiss those and not focus on them. I come from a family that complains about everything so I can understand your frustrations about things such as the comments regarding invitations, rehearsal dinner etc but I wouldn't take them too seriously.

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yeah, I’m just going to cover the expense and cut back on something else in our budget, only because I’m over the drama. Just a shame because I would’ve done it for anyone else and definitely wouldn’t be calling the groom names over it.
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    It isn't anything significant but I can sympathise with them that they don't want to pay for new ties when in their opinion they have perfectly suitable ties as is (since those are ordered).

    In any event, don't sweat the small stuff Smiley smile It's easier said than done but I personally found myself so much more at ease with wedding planning once I stopped caring about the little things.

  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
    • Flag
    Can you give us a little more info? When were the invites sent out? Were the guys waiting on particular information that came with the invites that they needed sooner? Were there questions about plus ones that they wanted to address? Did the tuxes not fit them right? Did the menu only consist of like fancy food that none of them liked? Are there dietary restrictions that aren't being met? Are you having a rehearsal and then not hosting a dinner afterwards? I agree with other posters that the tie thing is actually legit. Guys don't care about the shade of green their tie is lol. So in their mind, why should they pay extra money for it. Personally I would just go with the flow and would never complain to a couple about any of this, but idk, I feel like there's more going on here.
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    If a tie was included in their tux rental and you’re asking for a different color because the one included is wrong, you’re essentially asking them to spend money on two ties they’ll probably never wear again- sage is a pretty specific color and I’m assuming the tuxes are rentals that need to go back. I’d be upset about that too and the cost is pretty irrelevant. As for the bachelor party, your soon to be husband is a grown man. If he can’t say no to his friends and set boundaries, this won’t be the last issue you have with his behavior with his friends. I can’t speak to the other things because they’re vague, but if you’re having a rehearsal, you should be having a rehearsal dinner.
  • Janet
    Dedicated October 2018
    Janet ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    These were my thoughts as well

  • Samantha
    Devoted May 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    Just try to ignore them. They should be your FH's problem to manage, and you're almost to the finish line. Enjoy the experience Smiley smile

  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece Online ·
    • Flag
    I think the issue with the strip club is not a groomsman issue, it’s a groom issue. He is a grown man, perfectly capable of saying no. But he didn’t. He chose to go to the strip club with his buddies. And you placing blame on his friends is completely misdirected. Without further context about all the other complaints the GM had, no one can really judge whether they were at fault or not. However, the situation with the tie really isn’t their fault. You knowingly ordered the wrong color of tie, so the burden of cost for the new ones is on you and your fiancé. It’s unfair and in poor taste to demand these men cover the cost of your mistake. My suggestion would be to pay for the ties and to let all this pettiness and negative feelings go.
  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece Online ·
    • Flag
    To add…. If you are having a rehearsal, you should also be hosting a rehearsal dinner. The dinner is your polite way of thanking your wedding party for taking time out of their schedules to rehearse your wedding for you. However, if you are not having a rehearsal at all, then you are in no way obliged to host a rehearsal dinner.
  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    To address questions, I’m not having a rehearsal dinner, the invites were sent out two months prior to the wedding. They asked about plus ones and we told them they had them months ago and every other detail that was in the invites. They didn’t pay for the tie, it was free with the rental. I told the formalwear shop that I wasn’t going to use it and they said it was just included. There was no way out of it for me. But i am paying for the ties now because y’all did bring up good points. The menu is potatoes, chicken and carrots. The only one who has dietary restrictions is my FH (celiac) so we needed something he could have that was still nice.
  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey Online ·
    • Flag

    If the store provided incorrect ties, that's not your wedding party's responsibility. Either you or the store need to cover the additional expense. I'd be miffed, too, if I was asked to pay for a second tie. And agree with others on accountability for your future husband - if you asked him NOT to go to a strip club, and he did anyway, that's on him, not his groomsmen.

  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    1. On the invitations: "when you have your wedding, you are welcome to send your invitations whenever you feel it is appropriate." They already knew they were in the wedding, why do the invitations even matter to them? I don't care if they were sent out two weeks in advance, they already knew they had to be there. Tell 'em where to shove it on that one.

    2. On the ties: if you knowingly chose tuxes that came with ties you knew were not the right color, then yeah, you should eat that expense. You (or your groom) picked the item that came with the wrong color. Even if they aren't double-paying for the tie, they are having to pay for a tie they wouldn't have otherwise paid for.

    3. On the bachelor party: first, be advised that it seems some words got missed in your post, and it reads simply as "I begged him not to go to his bachelor party." I think that caused some confusion in an earlier reply. Now that it's clear the reason is because the party was at a strip club, I agree with other posters - your issue should be with your FH on this, not his friends. He is a grown man and a father. "Peer pressure" shouldn't be a thing anymore. He chose to go against your wishes. I 100% support that this is a boundary for you, but the problem there is FH, not his friends. If he allowed his friends to push him into doing something that he knew would hurt you, then it's because he prioritized their feelings/opinions of him over you and your feelings. Take that up with him.

  • Rachel
    Beginner October 2021
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Oh thanks for pointing out that typo! I didn’t even notice but yeah definitely only meant that I begged him not to go to a strip club, I wanted him to go to his bachelor party and the things they had planned sounded like so much fun.


    Totally understand that the groomsmen had nothing to do with my FH making the decision to go to the strip club. I left out details for the sake of the post not being too long. The reason that I’m mad about that is because they told my FH to either take an Uber alone back to the airbnb or go because they were going with or without him. That’s not just normal peer pressure. They manipulated him because they know he’d want to be with them and not alone on his bachelor party. Yes I totally understand that he should have done it and just gone home alone and it’s not their faults that he went. But they did put him in a very unfair position.
    The other issue about the strip club is that they told my FH not to tell me about it. Not even for his own sake, but because they didn’t want me finding out they went. My FH is extremely honest at least and told me right when he got home the next day. They were pissed at him for telling me, called him names, saying they’ll never be able to trust him again, etc.
    I know individually everything sounds like I’m just stupid and no biggie but eventually the small things add up.
  • Candace
    Devoted March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    What a pain. I think your FH should have got the hint from the beginning that they were not really in this for the right reason and stood up to them. Was there miscommunication about all these things? Maybe your FH didn't make everything clear to them and that caused friction. It's really on him so there's nothing that you can do. Weddings are stressful enough without having to deal with grown men acting like children.

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics