Getting Married Before the Wedding

I think you go ahead and get married and have the 'celebration of marriage' (Celia - I believe that was how you phrased it, but please correct me if I am wrong) ceremony and reception at the later date. I do think it is important to let your immediate family know, especially since it is an important issue for them. You can always invite them to the small ceremony to observe. It may mean alot to them.

I think you should really let your guests know that you are already married.

Congrats on the engagement and the baby! I don't think it's wrong to get married and have a celebration later on, but I don't like the idea of lying to your guests about it. If they are invited to a wedding, they will expect a wedding and wedding is not a wedding if no one gets married. People really go out of their way to attend weddings and personally I would be upset if I was invited to a "fake" wedding. But, a celebration of a wedding that already happened I wouldn't be mad at!

Why not have the wedding YOU WANT instead of trying to appease his family? No matter what you do (get married now or get married later) people are going to be upset and judging you it sounds like so why don't you do what makes YOU happy?

You really can't lie to your guests. Pretending it's a real wedding and then being like "surprise, we're already married!" will not go over well. It's rude and disrespectful to the people who love and care about you. I don't see anything wrong with changing your wedding to a 'Celebration of Marriage' as the other ladies suggested, but letting everyone know beforehand (like on the save the date or by word of mouth).

If they're religious, wouldn't they consider it living in sin if you live together and (obviously) have had sex before you're married anyway?

I don't think it is wise to not be open and honest with everyone, especially your guests. Your friends and family love and care about both of you and they will be there for you at the birth of your child and when you do decide to have a formal wedding. =) Be prepared for the comments from many people about 'just getting married because you're pregnant'. Unfortunately, people make judgmental comments so be prepared for that.

CONGRATS TO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND! =) How exciting!!

So, getting married before the child is born is important to you and that's why you want to do it before the date you had planned. That's fine.

But it seems like it's also important to his family for you to be married when you have kids, so I'm not sure why you wouldn't tell them that you're married?

Congratulations on the baby!

If being married before the baby arrives is important to YOU, than do it. However, be honest with others. There is nothing wrong with having a small, private ceremony and then a marriage celebration/reception a couple of months later. People will be understanding, especially in your situation.

However, if you marry secretly and don't tell anyone, your dishonesty will hurt people. First of all, it will hurt your parents and his parents. Don't you think they'd like to be there when you marry rather than being at a reenactment (which is what it will be, as you're already married). And your guests might less about you for lying to them and putting on this whole masquerade of not being married when you are.

While you say "it's our business," you are correct to a certain extent. Yes, it's your business which day you choose to get married. However, your business becomes other people's business when you include them - i.e. as guests at a fake wedding ceremony. When you lie to people, it's no longer your business because you've involved others.

So, what should you do? Get married sooner with your parents and his parents as witnesses. Celebrate with dinner that night. Enjoy that moment, enjoy your first night as man and wife. Then invite others to a reception celebrating your recent nuptials.

I had a friend who didn't tell their guests. When people found out they were already married, people were upset. Just be honest and straight forward. It will save your relationships with both of your families in the long run

Thank you all for your input so far.. Currently FH and I do not live together, but he obviously wants to do so when baby arrives. There would be no small ceremony at all, it would literally be us going to the Courthouse and signing the papers so we would feel right about living together, as well as being able to fix/change our insurance as mine does not include the short term disability i will need for maternity leave or sufficient coverage for prenatal. I guess my thing is there would be nothing to see because we would be signing paperwork for legal and personal moral reasons, so why tell anyone and take that whole "big day" away? His family talks too much, i wouldnt mind one or two people knowing, but it wont stay with that one or two..theyll spread that news before we get a chance to say so ourselves.

I agree with @OKD. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting married ahead of time and having a celebration of marriage later. Many brides on here are doing just that! Considering your pregnancy (yay!), I think your guests would more than understand why you're doing this and be supportive.

I would NOT recommend quietly/secretly getting married, not telling your guests, and pretending that your wedding is the real thing. Not only will you be covering for a huge lie on the day, but your guests will resent you later when they find out. (They will find out.)

My sister was married before her "wedding," but called her wedding a year later a "wedding" instead of a celebration and vow renewal. She wanted us to throw her a shower and bachelorette. The whole thing was weird and guests definitely talked about it. People really didn't get why she was pretending this was The Wedding. If she had simply had a renewal and reception after the fact, not pretended it was a wedding, it would have gone over much better.

Do you really want to begin your marriage with a huge lie?

"so why tell anyone and take that whole "big day" away?"

Because if people find out you were already legally married, they will feel deceived and hurt. The 'big day' happens on the day you are legally married, whether it be a courthouse wedding or a large church ceremony.

Also, I don't know of any area that bases the legal marriage on paperwork only. I believe in the US it requires at least a witness and a formal exchange of vows to make the marriage legal.

Also, if I were at a wedding and the couple said, "surprise! We're already married!" at the reception I would be kind of pissed off.

"I guess my thing is there would be nothing to see because we would be signing paperwork for legal and personal moral reasons, so why tell anyone and take that whole "big day" away?"

Because at that point, signing the paperwork for legal and personal moral reasons, YOU ARE MARRIED.

Keep in mind, you're choosing this route. You can still have the "big day" if you want, but you are choosing not to by getting married at the courthouse. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married at the courthouse, but you should accept it. If you don't want to get married at the courthouse and have the "big day," then do it. Push it up. I know you say it's in the dead of winter, but maybe push it a month or two. Have the big wedding and then have the baby. Or have the baby and then have the wedding.

But please don't be dishonest. Because it is other people's business at that point.

Also, double-check with his insurance. If you're planning on taking his insurance for the short-term disability, check the rules surrounding that. Sometimes you have to work for a certain amount of time/be on the insurance for a certain amount of time in order to collect that. Also, check that you having a pre-existing condition (i.e. a pregnancy) doesn't affect the short-term disability.

There's nothing wrong with getting married then celebrating on a later date. But lying about it to your friends and family (no matter the reason) is wrong.

I would be pissed if I ever went to a wedding and found out that the bride and groom was already married.

I think its a great idea!!! & if it is that important I would say do it! My FH's & his family is pretty religious as well. Our pastor was talking with us during one of our premarital sessions about us getting married quietly in the eyes of GOD before the actual wedding since we still had a ways to go before the date and are tech. living in sin since we are living together. We loved the idea so we did it. We are not married legally what so ever right now though (I don't know if that will make a difference for you). We did tell our parents & siblings that we did it but, no one was invited to it other than our pastor & his wife due to the fact that this was between us and GOD & very last minute (so we knew it was a lot to ask for everyone to be there). We also did it in just regular attire we are saving the wedding dress and all that jazz for the wedding day. We probably won't announce anything at the reception but, that might change. it would not be a bad idea to for your reasoning's if it may cause other family problems & you will have a baby at the time.

Also, CONGRATS on the beautiful little blessing!!!!!

Congrats on the pregnancy! As far as the ceremony is concerned, if you decide to get married early, you should do it because YOU want to (not due to pressure from your families). However, you should also be honest with people about the nature of your big ceremony ahead of time and let your guests decide if they want to participate. I was a BM in a wedding and the couple decided (once wedding planning was well underway) to get married a few months ahead of time. The bride let me in on the secret, but to be honest, it tainted my view of her 'wedding' later that year. On top of knowing it was a lie, I was annoyed that I had spent so much (we had already bought non-refundable dresses and a bunch of other things she had insisted on) to be part of what was basically now a princess day. To this day, I'm not sure their families even know and I don't think it's cool. People come to a wedding to see a wedding. Anything else is a marriage celebration. If your big event isn't going to be a wedding anymore, then don't call it that.

So... There will be a baby around by the time of the scheduled wedding or you will be very pregnant at it. Just call it a celebration of marriage, if these people are that religious and judgemental, they will totally already be side eyeing the situation. You can't hide a baby/ a nine month baby bump.

Amanda, question. You said you got married in the eyes of God and yet you're not legally married.

So that means you're not married, but you committed to your husband in front of your pastor? Aren't you still living in sin? Because if your pastor really married you, wouldn't he be obligated to fill out legal paperwork? To me, it would seem as though you're still living in sin because you're not legally married? I know, separation of church and state and all that, but...

I'm just trying to understand.