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Julija
Devoted October 2023

Garter Toss Drama

Julija, on August 6, 2022 at 11:52 AM

Posted in Wedding Reception 55

So I have a peculiar situation. If you want the full detail read the following 2 paragraphs. If you just want the main issue look at the last one. Thank you in advance! I am Lithuanian-American and we are doing a lot of Lithuanian traditions throughout the ceremony and reception to include my...
So I have a peculiar situation. If you want the full detail read the following 2 paragraphs. If you just want the main issue look at the last one. Thank you in advance!


I am Lithuanian-American and we are doing a lot of Lithuanian traditions throughout the ceremony and reception to include my culture as that is a HUGE part of who I am. My FH is totally fine with it and supportive. Has vetoed some and on the fence about others, but the big ones I HAD to include he has agreed to no questions asked with minimal grumbling (he has to learn a traditional folk dance and he, and I quote, “Can’t dance worth a lick.”).
With this being said, he is also very American. I’m talking yee-haw, good old, raised right, southern boy. He actually is why we are doing a big wedding and not just eloping (would rather put the money towards a house but meh, hubby wants a party I’ll happily do a party). With this though, he does have a few American Christian based wedding traditions he wants to do, which I agree to and also have my minor grumbles (mainly about non-personalized vows), but I can’t get on board with one and it’s of course the one he wants to do most… the garter toss.
3 or 4 years ago I think I would have been fine, but I have been corner by all members of his family multiple times a year for over 7 years of dating this man talking about the importance of purity, or talking about is cuddling each other is inappropriate, how we should make sure not to kiss or hold hands in public, or we shouldn’t ever be alone in a room together, how we shouldn’t take trips together, trying to force a confession of sexual sin out of me by saying if I confess to them and then confess to God all will be forgiven, etc. I legit can no longer at his family functions sit side by side with him without having a panic attack. There has to be a space. I also will arrive and leave with him, but I make it a point to talk to other family members and have him approach me and initiate contact with me (my love language is physical touch). I will not DARE to make the 1st move for fear of family backlash (he doesn’t get the trips only I do). I told him point blank that if we do a garter toss at our wedding where he sticks even just his hand under my skirt I’m likely to have a full blown panic attack in front of everyone (his family is just under 100 people). I offered him to do a boutonniere toss, a baseball, football, etc, but he really wants to do the garter. He respects my wishes but I feel awful as he’s been so accommodating towards me, but I just can’t for the sake of my own mental health at the wedding do this one for him.
Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement for this situation, because I feel so stuck.

55 Comments

  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    So long as it’s quick and sweet kisses or waltzing dances and can’t be mistaken for anything sexual I think I’ll be okay. His mother has also recently posed us for pictures when we got engaged that consisted of us hugging and kissing that she posted to the family and it was well received, so I think the ring changes the touching rule. Also if HE initiates contact I’m fine. He’s their good little Christian boy showing love to his SO. If I do it I’m the agnostic harlot corrupting him. Don’t get me wrong, I love his family and they love me (I’ll go to family functions without him just to hang out with his family and they invite me for girls’ outings) but in terms of sexuality that is a very big thing that we clash on and they just do happen to be more aggressive to change my mind to it. 😅
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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    So I’ve talked with FH a bit more and asked what about the tradition he liked so much. For him it’s the tradition. We talked about the root and founding of the tradition being from the Victorian age and is just something that come off the bride, typically fabric. I asked him if the fact of it coming off the bride was his hang up with the other ideas, and ladies….. THAT WAS THE FLIPPING ISSUE!!!!!!


    Thankfully now it gives me something to work with. We discussed him taking a flower hair pin, but safety is a concern. I then remembered that I’m changing my neckline to be a high neck and are attaching lace around my neck to make a choker like effect, so now we are looking into having another lace choker I put on over it that he can take off. It’s a little iffy for me as I can see this going either awkward, romantic, or sexual, but it’ll look like a garter and he won’t be under my clothing at all. Another idea I had is having a bracelet made of my lace and some elastic. I slip it on before my bouquet toss and then he takes my hand, kisses it, and then pulls it off. It’ll be smaller to work with, but I like this option the best as it is easily the most romantic. 🥰💕💕💕
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  • Taylor
    Rockstar October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    I for sure wouldn’t do it if it makes you that uncomfortable. I understand the guilt but it seems your Partner is understanding of your feelings and is willing to pass on it. And honestly thats what marriage is. Sometimes you’re making sacrifices you’re not particularly happy on for the benefit of your SO. If he’s not making a big deal about it then you shouldn’t. If you want then try to brainstorm something else with him! But no one does garter tosses anymore. They’re degrading anyway. I’m not doing one or a bouquet toss and I’m walking myself as well! You could also talk to your partner and tell him you have guilty feelings and I’m sure he’ll reassure you on it

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I hope all goes well and that you are able to agree on a good alternative. We didn't have a garter toss or a bouquet toss and no one missed it.
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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    Thanks. He has reassured me plenty of times, but my mind just spirals sometimes. 😅
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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    Thank you. Fingers crossed. 🤞🏻
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  • Taylor
    Rockstar October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    TOTALLY feel you on that one
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    AS much as it's tradition, only about 1/3 of couples are actually doing the garter toss these days. Initially, the origin relates to having to prove consummation of marriage by tossing the garter out the door of the marriage bedchamber. Then it became a substitute for tearing the dress off the bride in order to get a piece of it for luck.

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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    Yikes, yeah. No leg garter. It ain’t happening.
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Time for a new tradition, I think. At least for me.

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  • Michael
    VIP October 2023
    Michael ·
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    Yes definitely. the garter tradition is definitely cringeworthy. It always has seemed like an embarrassing part of the reception. I don't know why we have gone with it so long.

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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Honestly me neither. The garter toss was always cringe to me, and knowing the background doesn't make it any more appealing.

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  • Michael
    VIP October 2023
    Michael ·
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    Not at all appealing. Michelle shared more ugly details on this garter toss origin (which went a little off track of the thread): https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/how-to-keep-your-dress-out-of-sight/d55d28b3705963a5.html?page=2

    It sounds like you already found some of that detail.

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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    I hear you one hundred percent.
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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    I honestly don’t know either. Probably because people just assume it’s something to do and why change what isn’t broken.
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  • Michael
    VIP October 2023
    Michael ·
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    Exactly. Now with information available on the internet maybe this tradition won't be a burden on us much longer. I'll give it a year. lol

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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    Lol facts. Keeping my fingers crossed that’s the case. 😁🤞🏻
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  • Paige
    Rockstar October 2022
    Paige ·
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    I really like the lace bracelet idea! It sounds demur enough to not ruffle any feathers, but still give your husband-to-be his moment. You could also slip off to the bathroom, bar, back of the room to talk to a relative, etc. while he's tossing it so you don't have to watch the whole thing go down.

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  • Julija
    Devoted October 2023
    Julija ·
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    I’m kinda thinking of us both doing it at the same time. Both of us in the middle facing each other. He hands my my toss bouquet after he kisses my hand to take the bracelet and then on the count of three we both toss it. There will be too much excitement and chaos then for me to stress about it. The only worry will be if it’s too much chaos lol. 😅
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  • Paige
    Rockstar October 2022
    Paige ·
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    That sounds incredibly sweet! I love it! Smiley smile

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