Future Mother in Law hates me?!

Um. No. It sounds like you both have some resolve on this issue and that you've made up your mind. Do not let her manipulate her into forcing you into a wedding you don't want. Tell her that she can throw a party with her friends in celebration after the fact, if she so chooses, and you will show up and be grateful. I'm sorry she's put you in that position.

I'm 25, and have been with my FH for 6 years. If my FMIL said that, I would say "ok, well this is the date/time to our courthouse wedding" and move on. It isn't her choice if or how you get married.

Also, I think if you let her manipulate her now, it will only get worse after the wedding and especially if you have kids.

Bingo Laura and Karen.

Your FMIL sounds like a piece of work. You've been engaged for four years, what did she expect to happen? Is FH an only child? Ugh I'm sorry you have to deal with this bs.

^excellent question. If FH is an only child, the only son, or the baby, then she may have SOME rational for those feelings.

otherwise, your wedding, your day.

He has two brothers and is the youngest

Ha. Sucks for her. I wouldn't worry about it

Meh even if he is, she is still manipulative and living through her child. She wants her own special walk down the aisle? Puh lease. Does she want a white dress too?

ETA: sorry if this sounds super bitchy. Long day at work.

Stand.Your.Ground.

Nobody gets to decide what kind of wedding you do or don't have except you (unless they are paying and you took the money). Kids do owe their parents some things - a wedding is not one of them. Your FMIL got to have her wedding. And what @laura said is SO RIGHT. This is the kind of thing that if you give in she'll rule you forever (your wedding is a big deal, even if it's small, and it's YOUR choice).

Then she has 2 other chances to have her walk alone down the aisle. yawn. your wedding your way

She sounds delightful...

Do what you and your FH want to do and do not let her tell you otherwise.

She wants her son to move away for one year to "test his love"? So he should uproot his life, not marry you when you both would like next year, lose his job, etc to "test his love"?! Yeah sounds perfectly rational... what a freaking loon.

Do what you want to. If she does hate you then giving her the big wedding is not going to change her mind.

Sorry- I forgot to ask.

What does your FH think about this? Does he understand that his mother is crazy? I feel like a lot of how this situation is going to play out is going to depend on how he perceives her and this ridiculousness.

Yeah she wants him to completely change his career and move to a state that is by an ocean so she can visit and go to the beach whenever she wants... That's what she told him at least.

Yeah he knows she's crazy, but whenever he says no to her, she freaks out and throws temper tantrums so lately he's been pushing her away and not talking to her/visiting her as much.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but it seems like you all need to do what you want to do and let her deal with it. By not standing your ground you are showing her that she has some control over you, and maybe in her crazy mind that you aren't ready to go into marriage because you all are still unable to make your own decisions.

Stand your ground. Start your lives the way YOU want to start it. Let her be and distance yourselves from her until she realizes it is your life to live and she has no say. She'll either deal, get over it and come running back, or she won't and you will no longer have this problem.

It kind of sounds like she is the type of person who lives vicariously through her kids. I can understand her disappointment if she has been excited about the potential of a big wedding, but her wants don't trump what you and your fiance want. It's your wedding and you will regret it if you try to please her and are unhappy with the outcome. Do what will make you happy and if she wants to be a part of it, she will just have to come around.

Jeez, I thought my FMIL was bad... Yikes!

Sorry hon. It sounds like you and FH need to sit down, talk about his Mom, and decide where to go from there!

On an upside - Mrs2B you're avatar is finally showing up for me. On the downside, I didn't catch the last sentence about you two being apart for a year. Talk to your FH. She's nuts.

That woman is cray cray. Fer real real. Not for play play. :/