Friends only Wedding

Lying to your family (or anyone) is never really a good idea. These things usually come out, and people are often very hurt. I’m also a little confused about your reasoning. If they can’t come, that is their prerogative. I don’t think you need to make the decision for them.

Bad idea all around. You will undoubtedly hurt feelings if you tell them only later and definitely if you lie about being married. Also, you only get one wedding. Next year’s reception would be called a celebration of marriage or an anniversary party.

I don’t see anything wrong with choosing to elope with a few friends, then having a larger celebration later. However, you would need to be upfront and honest with the rest of your family and friends about it. I definitely wouldn’t keep it a secret from them. Also, you wouldn’t be having a wedding later- your wedding would be the small elopement with friends. What you’re describing is a vow renewal, and should be referred to as such.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your reply!


Can I just ask how this wouldn’t be a wedding? We are still have wedding parties on both sides, doing a ceremony and reception, and want to have a bridal shower/bachelor party/bachelorette party, etc. leading up to the day. Just because we sign the papers means we no longer get married with our family?

View Quoted Comment Correct. The moment you sign your marriage license you are married. That is your wedding. You would simply be repeating your vows in front of your family at the later date. It would be a completely symbolic ceremony, since you already had your wedding and are married.

View Quoted Comment There’s nothing wrong with it, true, but that doesn’t mean close family members may not feel hurt or even offended that a location and some friends meant more to OP than their presence. That’s the risk you take as soon as you invite some people but not others, especially VIPs. I’d either do a true elopement or nothing in that case, personally.

While it’s not a wedding, it doesn’t have to be called a vow renewal. OP may choose to include a ceremony redo or renew her vows if she feels she must but they are not necessary and some would say they are redundant or even inappropriate considering the whole point of vows is that they are not supposed to expire.

I agree with all the rest.

View Quoted Comment

Signing the papers means everything to some couples. Once you do that, you are married. You can't have it both ways. I would make sure you don't start off your married life by deceiving everyone around you. This is gone wrong so many times here on this forum, once people find out (and they usually do), there's such a chance of hurting many people close to you.

View Quoted Comment Because while people commonly refer to a reception hosted immediately or soon after their wedding ceremony as their “wedding” the definition of wedding is actually the occasion on which a marriage takes place.


A whole year later, it’s no longer appropriate to invite people to a wedding or marriage because you’ve already had one of those and because that would be misleading.
You can still have a blowout party and a redo ceremony for the benefit of guests if you feel you have to with music, a white dress, dancing, cake, an aisle etc. You are only obliged to be honest and call it what it is.

Also meant to add that any pre-wedding parties, ie shower or bach party hosted after your official marriage would be considered highly inappropriate. You’d be asking people to come spend time and money when they were not invited to the wedding. Big etiquette no no.

If I were a family member I would be livid that I were left out of your actual wedding.

You and fiancé have 1000% control of the guest list and you get to decide who is invited and who is not without repercussions and judgement from other people. When we put together our guest list, it was mostly friends. The family that was invited was extended aunts, uncles and cousins because we are closer to them than “immediate family” which is usually described as parents and siblings. Not everyone has a close relationship with parents. During the planning, it was challenging at times because so many posts had messages of “invite immediate family first, then relatives you are not that close to to keep the peace and don’t invite extended family or friends” and that didn’t work because we didn’t want people in attendance that we have zero relationship with, and not for lack of trying, while the mainstream has good relationships with parents and siblings. We were happy with the guests we did have.


And we made sure to be honest with everyone because we have attended weddings and renewals where the couple and their parents were deceptive that they were already married and it backfired on them.
Controversial opinion is that any celebration you have following the legal wedding day is a vow renewal. Covid did not change that etiquette and it doesn’t serve anyone to lie because it will only backfire on you and create irreparable damage between you and family members who did nothing to instigate it. Send invites to anyone you want in attendance on the legal wedding day and let them decide if they are able to attend. It is not appropriate to make that decision for them.