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Savvy September 2018

Firing my Moh??

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Elizabeth , on January 30, 2018 at 2:21 PM

I picked my best friend to be my maid of honor, like we had been discussing for years now, she's the only person I could imagine filling that role. Right before I got engaged, she started dating her boyfriend, who's a manipulative, emotionally abusive alcoholic. Since then, she disappeared. She never responds to texts or calls, but when her and her bf fight I'm hiding in the bathroom at work, sitting on my phone during date night with my fiance, doing whatever I can to calm her down and try to make her see that she deserves better even though I know she'll get back with him. He made a scene and stormed out at our engagment party because he wasnt gettinh enough attention and she left an hour after it started to go be with him. A few weeks ago she blew up my phone with how I only hate her bf cause I can't "manipulate their relationship". All I have done is support her and try to help when she asks for it, meanwhile I send her photographers for an opinion and she can't even take the time to look through a few pictures. I never expected her to plan my wedding, but even just as my best friend, she shouldnt be acting like this, right? I feel like I've already made my decision but I guess I just want to know that I'm not being crazy.

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54 Comments

Super March 2019
Nisa · on January 30, 2018 at 4:09 PM
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Don't fire her. She's going through a hard time, and that's likely causing her distance and her behavior. Honestly, you need to just talk to her, friend to friend. Not about the wedding, not about her boyfriend, none of that. Talk to her about how you've been feeling and try to resolve the bitterness between the two of you before you even think about saying the word wedding. I know it's hard, but this is someone you cared about enough to appoint them as MOH in the first place. Don't give up on her just because she is difficult right now, if I were in an abusive relationship I would likely be the same way. Your friendship should be more important than choosing a photographer or other wedding things.

You've both got a lot on your plates and you just need to work it out. But cutting her out is not the answer.
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Devoted September 2018
No · on January 30, 2018 at 4:36 PM
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What a tough situation! The only thing you can do is be there for her as best you can. Unfortunately it's put you in an awkward position. So many times we hear, it's your day it should be how you want it to be! We can't control other's actions though, so we can't always have our day be exactly how we want it. I've been in the position of your friend, and it took some time but my best friend at the time never gave up on me. I got out of that awful relationship, and look now! You still have time before your wedding to have things change. Just know as hard as it may be to be her friend right now, she really needs it. She'll realize that eventually, just might take some time. I would invite her over for a girls night and simply talk about this. Try not to bring up the boyfriend, it might anger her and she's clearly not ready to move on from him. Keep the chat fun and positive, talk about the new things in her life, the new things in yours. How excited you are to have her be apart of this. Seems like she needs some positivity in her life right now. Either way it goes, just remember come the day focus on what's important and that's your soon to be husband. You can only do so much for someone, remember to focus on yourself and try not to stress about what you cannot control.
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VIP April 2018
Mrs.hays · on January 30, 2018 at 5:12 PM
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You can’t fire her, it’s not a job.
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VIP May 2018
plangalCG · on January 30, 2018 at 5:29 PM
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It sounds to me really like she’s never been a friend, if she always ditches you for a boyfriend, so that leaves the question of why you asked her to stand with you to begin with? I do think she needs you right now, and you have time before the wedding (why people on these boards recommend not asking people until closer) I think you should just cool your jets a while and see how things go rather than making a dramatic statement.
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Master October 2017
O · on January 30, 2018 at 8:20 PM
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If it's true she's with someone abusive, it shouldn't come as a surprise she isn't getting back to you about your wedding. Have you considered she wants to, but is in an abusive relationship, and can not? If this were my friend I would look up cycles of abuse, ways to help a friend in an abusive relationship, reach out to therapist and learn tools about friendships with those who are in abusive relationships, and keep records of fights, etc, to be there for my friend, than worrying about a wedding that is an optional party.

Only your FH should be with you deciding between vendors, no one else. Vendor and decor decisions are up to you and your FH.
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VIP August 2018
Alforev · on January 30, 2018 at 8:33 PM
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What’s with all the “firing my MOH” posts today? Since when is being someone’s maid of honor a job?! Your maid of honor is supposed to be someone you care about who you want to stand next to you as you marry the person you love... it’s not like they need to fill out an application for the position and then are given a salary... I mean let’s be real people.
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Savvy May 2018
Jess · on January 30, 2018 at 8:56 PM
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Don't worry about what others say about one simple word you used. It was the way you chose to say it and it's not a big deal. The big deal is that you're losing your best friend to a loser guy. Can I just say that this is exactly what happened to me, except that I was the one who was with the idiot guy. My best friend was in EXACTLY the same situation as you. And she did the best thing she could've done, and till this day I still thank her for it.

She was there for me when my ex and I had fights. She would be on the phone for hours, comforting me, building me back up, etc. And I still didn't leave him. It came to the point that one day, she called me, and very calmly said to me, "I'm really sorry Jess, but I can't do this anymore. I can't watch you being hurt all the time as it's emotionally draining for me too. And I hate seeing you unhappy and not being able to do anything about it. So I've thought a lot about this and I've decided to ask you to please never talk about him with me again."
She went on to say that of course if I needed her she would always be there for me. But she made it clear that she was not supportive of our relationship and she would take no part in it, but that she of course still wanted a friendship with me.

I dated that guy for another year and a half and rarely even mentioned his name to her. I must admit that our friendship was strained by this. I didn't feel as close to her. But I knew deep down she was right, as was my whole family and other close friends who knew me well. I eventually broke up with him and realized how wrong about him I was. I thanked my best friend for doing what she did, but she still says it was the hardest and most horrible thing she's ever done. But honestly, I'm so glad she did, because she was a true friend in the sense that she really did want the best for me and wouldn't shy away from the truth even though it hurt me.

I don't know if that's helpful to you, but I saw myself in your post and I had to comment.
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Savvy September 2018
Elizabeth · on January 30, 2018 at 9:09 PM
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Thank you, I actually tried to talk to her tonight about everything, didn't mention the wedding or anything and she just started attacking me again. When I told her a few weeks ago that I don't want to be anywhere near him, she lied to me and invited him and he started issues with me and ended up getting physical with me, and then she invited him to stay the night anyways, forcing me to be around him all night until I could leave. I've tried to distance myself from the issues cause I know she needs to realize it on her own but now she's resorted to lying and forcing me into aggressive situations with him cause he knows I don't like him. I could deal with her not responding but this is just getting to be way too much.
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Savvy May 2018
Jess · on January 30, 2018 at 9:23 PM
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Wow that's really upsetting. It sounds like you need to distance yourself from her as well. If you're trying your best to advise her and she just resorts to attacking you, you need to think about caring for yourself and your own emotional state. It's clear that she won't be your MOH, but maybe you also need to let her know that you can no longer participate in unhealthy confrontations and that you needs some space away from her.
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