Firing my Moh??

View Quoted Comment I haven't talked to her about my wedding in months now. It's not the lack of help with the wedding that's the issue. It's that I'm there for her 24/7 when she needs me no matter what I'm doing, while she won't talk to me unless her and her bf are fighting. She completely ignores my texts and calls. She's asked me to ditch my FH cause she's upset about her bf and needs a girls night, and then ditches me to go be with him after I drive an hour to see her. And then after all that, accuses me of only disliking him cause I can't manipulate their relationship. She hasn't talked to me in weeks now cause I wouldn't apologize for telling her she deserves better. I get that she's having a hard time and I wish to God she saw that she deserves better, but don't I as well? She does this every time she gets a boyfriend for more than 2 weeks.

Thankfully for you, there is a lot of time before your wedding, and situations have time to change. Most concerning is that your friend is in what seems to be a potentially dangerous relationship. Being there to support her if things go bad would be the mark of a good friend. She may be in over her head with this relationship, and so not able to support you as a friend might normally do.

A person most needs love during the moment that it is hardest to love them.

It sounds like your friend needs a friend right now. Stop sending messages about the wedding and talking about the wedding with her for now. Call her and ask her to go to dinner or lunch or just hang out. Ask about what is going on in her life. Don't bring up the boyfriend. If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up. Talk about other things going on in your life. Let her see that you are there for her and someone she can talk to.
You can not fire her. She is not an employee. She is a friend. You don't fire friends. If you tell her you don't want her to be your MOH anymore, it could andnyou friendship. Are you prepared for that? What impact will that have on her? Will it make her turn more towards her boyfriend? If he is as bad as you make him sound, would that be the best thing? I know it's hard. I've been there with a friend before. But, isn't it better for her to know she has a friend she can turn to when needed rather than feeling like she has no one to turn to. The friendship may not be the same and may never be the same as it was, but in my opinion, it's better to be there for someone.

View Quoted Comment But you've told us that her boyfriend is "manipulative" and "emotionally abusive." I'd bet money that he's manipulating her into believing that you're the manipulative one. Why? Because he doesn't want her listening to anyone else but him, if he's everything you say he is. He doesn't want her believing anything her friends and family say about him.

View Quoted Comment Which has now all come after she witnessed him screaming at, shoving me and elbowing me in the side for being at a bar with her. She then invited him to stay the night at her place, forcing me to continue to be around him as I was an hour from home in the middle of the night and unable to drive. And then she blamed it on me and said I was innapropriate for trying to get him away from me.

View Quoted Comment

Exactly what BlueHen is saying.... If he's the abusive/manipulative jerk you think he is, one of his primary goals is to get and keep her completely dependent on HIM. Everyone else -- including, and maybe especially, you -- is the enemy. If your instincts regarding what is going on between them are right, please do what you can to continue to be a lifeline for her. You're right, it is very one-way and you deserve more from a friend. Hopefully, you have other friends, family, and an awesome fiance who provide you with all the love and support you need, but it sounds like you might be all she has right now. If at all possible, don't give up on her. Just try to be her friend to the extent you can be without it significantly hurting you or your relationships. It's not fair, and ultimately she might make a final choice of him over you, but at least you'll know you did all you could for her. Good luck. This isn't easy.

Edit: Just saw your last post about him being physically abusive to you as well. That's a bit of a game changer to what I wrote in the paragraph above. Given that encounter, I would strongly encourage you to not be in the same location he's in physically. You want to protect her, but you shouldn't endanger yourself. If you can, continue your contact with her over the phone, text, or in a location where you know he will NOT be there. Good luck to you all!

View Quoted Comment I've been trying for nearly a year now. She never responds unless her bf and her are fighting or broken up for the moment. And it's not like they're together all the time and she's unable to talk to me, she just chooses not to unless she needs something. I literally never see her unless they broke up for a few days and I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff months ago. The only thing ive mentioned is the bridal shower (Which I'm planning) that we still have yet to set a date cause she's decided to go away for the entire summer before the wedding.

Wow. It amazes me how fired up and sassy people get over the whole 'firing a MOH' thing. Time and again I have seen posts similar to this one and I gotta be honest, I am sympathetic to the OP here. Obviously she didn't mean to actually "fire" her- no need for the sarcasm over a word choice.

Anyway, it sounds like you OP have bent over backwards for her and to be there for her whenever SHE needs something, but whenever you request her opinion or input (this is not asking much, people) she is AWOL. Your support and voicing your opinion as a concerned friend is warranted. If she won't listen to you, she will have to learn the hard way. And while she does this, I would distance myself from it so as to not add to the stress of your planning and also it is not healthy for you to be hiding in bathrooms at work or taking quality time from your OWN relationship to help someone who doesn't seem to want it.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Best of luck.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, and obviously I'm still going to answer the phone every time she needs something. But now when I do, even though all i do is listen and tell her she doesn't deserve this when she blames herself for how he acts, and support her even when she gets back with him, I'm somehow the bad guy. I just don't know how I can stand at my wedding with somehow who apparently thinks so low of me and watch as she gives a speech to all our friends and family.

View Quoted Comment THANK YOU. I shouldn't have even mentioned the wedding photographer cause I let that go months ago, it's just an example of how I just text her cause she's my best friend and I'm excited and want to involve her in one of the most important days of my life and she can't be bothered to send a text back.

My best friend is in an abusive relationship too. Although how she behaved is frustrating sometimes, I do not like it impact my friendship with her. That is exactly what her boyfriend would want. An abusers goal is to isolate. Be there for her as a friend and let your wedding come second to that.

I just can't believe how many times on this site we have to remind people the importance, and difference, of being a friend before a bride. Basic human decency seems to go out the window for some people once a sparkly piece of jewelry adorns their finger.

View Quoted Comment You would think that seeing him get physical with you would make her realize something isn't right about him. However, if she's in an emotionally abusive relationship, he has likely worked very hard to make her feel like him getting angry is always her fault. In that sense, seeing him get angry with you...her first thought was that he got that way because you must have done something wrong. Maybe this isn't the first time she's seen him get physical. Maybe in addition to being emotionally abusive to her, he's also been physically abusive (making it even more of a logical jump to her that he's only like that when provoked, so obviously, in her mind, you provoked him). You and I know that obviously wasn't the case. He was upset that she was with you, not him, and he was being unreasonable. All I'm trying to point out is that if he's manipulative, like you say, he's worked very hard to make her believe that he's number 1 and he's never the one who is wrong. She may be seemingly slacking on her friendships because he's poisoning her against her friends, particularly those who do not like him. Her lack of an ability to be a good, interested friend right now, may be sympomatic of any kind of abuse he's been dishing out.

View Quoted Comment What about me saying how I'm still there for her whenever she needs me as I have been this entire time regardless of how she treats me makes me the bad friend? This is a matter of, do I want someone who talks and thinks so low of me when all I've done is be there for her, to be giving a speech to my entire wedding?

View Quoted Comment But the thing Is she goes MIA anytime she gets a bf. He's exceptionally shitty and she's been with guys like him before which makes it harder for her to not blame herself, but even when she's dated decent guys, she still disappears from my life. So I've been through this with her before. I accepted that she was never responding. And I know he's manipulating her to think this way, but I don't care who put the thoughts in her head. Those aren't thoughts that your best friend should have about you. They're not thoughts you want in the head of the person giving a speech at your wedding. And everyone can call me selfish for this but he already ruined my engagment party, and then she left right after to console him cause he was upset he didnt know anybody there. I don't want him ruining my wedding too. Cause I know she will choose him over me and she will leave again.

View Quoted Comment In response to the edit primarily, earlier that night she made me ditch my fiance for a "girls night" and when she told me her ex (at the time) was in the area, I made it clear that I am not comfortable being around him, so she told me she was 100% done with him and wanted nothing to do with him. Meanwhile she was texting him to come to the bar we were at where he caused problems with me, then she acted all pissed at him, but invited him back to her place where he was waiting for us when we got back. If she would have just told me, I never would've even gone there but she lied to me and forced me into this situation. I started to type this out on the OP but I thought it was unecesary and rant-ey

Look, sounds like you don't wanna be friends with her. Then don't be friends with her. You don't need internet strangers to validate your decision.

Unless you are feeling guilty about dumping a friend when she probably needs you most...

I think your problem will solve on its own. Your friend's problem won't necessarily be fixed, but yours will.

Since her BF has been physically aggressive toward you, you can 100% not invite him to the wedding, even if he is your MoH's SO. People that hit other people don't have to be invited anywhere. Attitude is one thing, but hitting someone and throwing elbows is a different situation.

If he doesn't show, there is a good chance she won't. Problem solved.

OR, it may just be what she needs to see that you want HER there, but you won't tolerate that behavior toward yourself or your friends so he isn't invited. It's a long shot, but you never know what little things trigger and person to "get her belly full" and leave an abusive relationship. Maybe she gets the guts to go without him to the wedding and you get a chance to really talk to her and maybe share some love with her.

Who knows.

View Quoted Comment I came here cause I didn't want to tell other friends the situation and potentially sway how they look at her based off of our situation. And my fiance doesn't want to see me get hurt so I know his advice. I just wanted more perspectives but instead everyone's just upset I used the word "fire".