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Savvy September 2018

Firing my Moh??

Elizabeth , on January 30, 2018 at 2:21 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 54

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I picked my best friend to be my maid of honor, like we had been discussing for years now, she's the only person I could imagine filling that role. Right before I got engaged, she started dating her boyfriend, who's a manipulative, emotionally abusive alcoholic. Since then, she disappeared. She never responds to texts or calls, but when her and her bf fight I'm hiding in the bathroom at work, sitting on my phone during date night with my fiance, doing whatever I can to calm her down and try to make her see that she deserves better even though I know she'll get back with him. He made a scene and stormed out at our engagment party because he wasnt gettinh enough attention and she left an hour after it started to go be with him. A few weeks ago she blew up my phone with how I only hate her bf cause I can't "manipulate their relationship". All I have done is support her and try to help when she asks for it, meanwhile I send her photographers for an opinion and she can't even take the time to look through a few pictures. I never expected her to plan my wedding, but even just as my best friend, she shouldnt be acting like this, right? I feel like I've already made my decision but I guess I just want to know that I'm not being crazy.

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54 Comments

Latest activity by Jess, on January 30, 2018 at 9:23 PM

Super September 2019
An · on January 30, 2018 at 2:27 PM
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I would just be there for her and see how your relationship is closer to your wedding date. Don't ask her to help with anything planning-related, even if it is just looking at a few portfolios/photos. I'm really sorry you are going through this with her. It sounds like a really unfortunate situation. I would be there for her as much as you can without sacrificing your own happiness.
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Master April 2017
EM · on January 30, 2018 at 2:27 PM
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I would hope that rather than being concerned about your wedding, you would be a bit more concerned for your "best friend" and her health/safety in this relationship that clearly doesn't sound good for her at all. I don't understand what this has to do with your wedding.
If you do indeed decide to "fire" her, I'd be interested in what type of severance you are offering her.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on January 30, 2018 at 2:28 PM
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First of all, it is not your MOH, or any of your BMs, responsibility to help you pick a photographer. That's on you and FS.
It sounds like she's going through a hard time. Maybe instead of focusing on how it affects your wedding you should focus on how you can help your friend during this time.
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Expert April 2018
FutureMrsHill · on January 30, 2018 at 2:28 PM
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If she wants to step down, that's her choice. It's obvious, she doesn't see what you see when it comes to her relationship. But, I don't think you should fire her for that. My friends ask me about wedding planning here and there and that's fine. I don't expect them to do much, because its my wedding.
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Dedicated April 2018
Dillydilly · on January 30, 2018 at 2:31 PM
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What is it today with people wanting to "fire" their Maid of Honor?
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Expert May 2018
jerzgrlnmd · on January 30, 2018 at 2:33 PM
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That could be a friendship ending move.. also did you not see the post from today about this sort of thing? You cannot fire someone who is not working for you. Ask your SO for opinions. All your MOH has to do is be there on the correct day in the correct attire.
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Super May 2018
Jen · on January 30, 2018 at 2:36 PM
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I was thinking the same thing! Hopefully they are offering a good severance package.
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Savvy September 2018
Elizabeth · on January 30, 2018 at 2:37 PM
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What severance would she get? She hasn't put money toward anything at all, has not bought a dress, has not done anything to help or assist. She only talks to me when her and her SO are fighting. I don't know why I would offer her anything?
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Super January 2019
Sunshine · on January 30, 2018 at 2:37 PM
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I was just wondering the same thing....
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on January 30, 2018 at 2:38 PM
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Well if you have the ability to fire her you must have employed her. It’s nice to offer a severance package when you let employees go.
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Savvy September 2018
Elizabeth · on January 30, 2018 at 2:40 PM
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As I stated in the OP, it's not even about being a good maid of honor. She went from being my best friend to someone who only talks to me when she needs something and when I try to help her, she now attacks me and says I'm a horrible person. Would any of you want that person standing next to you at your wedding and giving a speech to your family?
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Master January 2019
FutureMrsKC · on January 30, 2018 at 2:40 PM
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Woah, heavy stuff. One of my bridesmaids is currently debating/going through a divorce with the man she married 4 months ago. She's having the hardest time of her life and I could send her ideas, or even tell her I changed my venue, but if it's not a pressing issue you should leave her alone. If he's as abusive and terrible as you say she is probably going through a hard enough time and doesn't need you texting about your wedding. In fact it might even make her feel worse that all you care about is your wedding than asking how she's doing. Listen to her, talk to her, do not bring up yourself or your wedding. Your FH should be the one helping you make the decisions anyhow.
ETA: Actually talk to her about how you feel too, about how she's distant and seems distracted and how your friendship has changed. This doesn't have to be done in an attacking way at all. Do not "fire" her, but if she wants to step down she can have that option as well.
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Master April 2017
EM · on January 30, 2018 at 2:40 PM
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Ha.
Clearly you missed my meaning entirely.
The point is that she isn't your employee, you aren't paying her, so you therefore cannot "fire" her.
Oy vey with these posts today.
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Super August 2018
AugustBride · on January 30, 2018 at 2:42 PM
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Right now you need to be there for her as much as possible. If you're worried she isn't going to go to your wedding that's another thing. Talk to her
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Savvy September 2018
Elizabeth · on January 30, 2018 at 2:42 PM
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Thank you for actually reading the post and responding to it accordingly instead of acting like I'm complaining that she's not planning my whole wedding.
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Beginner April 2018
BrideofLockwood · on January 30, 2018 at 2:42 PM
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It sounds like this is a bigger issue than just the wedding. I could be wrong, but the way she is acting and the way you are handling it makes it seem like there is more to the story. I understand the frustration around a barely there MOH especially when you are best friends and want her input. Can you have a calm sit down conversation with her and try to come from a loving place? Tell her you are worried about her in this relationship, but you support her 100% in her decisions whether that is to stay with him or not. Then mention how important your wedding is to you and that you've had this idea in your mind of how it was going to go and being able to go to her for advice and you aren't feeling that. Try to remain calm before you talk to her and remember why she is your best friend. It sounds like she is in a tough spot right now - try to be supportive while also letting her know you want her involvement. I'm sorry - situations like this are never easy, but try to think about her and how much you love her and let her know that. I bet she'll come around.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on January 30, 2018 at 2:44 PM
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She probably "attacks you" because you are vocal about not approving of her relationship. She probably wants an ear without the judgement.
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Master March 2017
BlueHenBride · on January 30, 2018 at 2:46 PM
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Your best friend is in the middle of an abusive relationship, and you're upset she isn't able to help you choose a wedding photographer? You're more concerned with choosing a wedding photographer than trying to help your friend?

If you fire your best friend frim being your MOH, that will hurt her. That will be no different than firing her from being your best friend. That's what this guy she's dating wants; he wants to alienate her from her friends and family. If you drop her as your MOH, you're making his job as an abusive boyfriend a whole lot easier.

It's not a MOH's job to help plan your wedding. It's your job and your FS' job. If she offers to help with something, great. But she doesn't have to and to drop her because she didn't respond to your request to look at a photographer for you, that's silly. Especially considering the seriousness of her involvement with an abusive person, that's really insignificant.
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VIP September 2018
Happy Hedgie · on January 30, 2018 at 2:48 PM
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I was thinking the same thing. Must be something in the water, that or early effects of the full moon. The super blue blood moon is tomorrow after all.
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on January 30, 2018 at 2:50 PM
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You say she’s not being a best friend to you, but you aren’t being a best friend to her either. Telling her she deserves better and shouldn’t be with him while she’s in the middle of this relationship isn’t what she needs. As someone who spent years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I can tell you that the people who told me that felt like they were attacking me and my choice of who I love. It wasn’t until I chose to leave that relationship (6.5 years, marriage, and a baby later) that I realized what they had all been saying.

If you “fire” her, expect to lose her as a friend.
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