Finances

This is not okay. You should be very open with your finances if you plan on getting married. I would have a very serious conversation with your FH about this and let him know that keeping things like this from one another is not appropriate. If he continues to refuse to share this information, I would either rethink a marriage or strongly consider a prenup.

I'm going to echo what others have said about this behavior being a bit suspicious. I think it's good advice that your mom gave because being honest and transparent in all aspects, especially money is crucial. I hope that you'll be able to have a productive conversation with him about this issue and everything works out.

The talk about finances should definitely happen before the wedding, since it is a leading cause for divorce. You are trying to plan your life together afterall! I would be worried if he isn't upfront about this topic. Is he generally uncomfortable when talking about money?

If he is going to marry you, he should understand what kind of honesty that requires.

Wouldn't a viable response be... if you can't be honest with me, I will not marry you?

Yeah, no. Giant red flag. I would want to know why he’s being secretive.

My FH and I are super transparent and know what each one of us makes. We don’t share bank accounts but still know each other’s incomes.

You're definitely not overreacting. Finances are a major aspect of every relationship, especially a marriage. There should be no secrets regarding this matter. I find it odd that he doesn't think you should know until after you're married. I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him because this is your FH and you need to be open and honest about everything, whether it is uncomfortable or not. Additionally, these things matter for major life decisions such as purchasing a home, buying a car, savings plans, etc. It is imperative that you're both on the same page.

No you need to be worried. You are going to get married. You should know his spending habits and what he spends money on (because if he’s irresponsible or in massive amounts of debt you need to know before you get married). It is a very big deal if you don’t spend money the same way as he can put you in debt and ruin your credit. If he’s not willing to share that stuff with you then I would be very worried!!!

I think your mom is right. you should be able to talk about anything with your partner especially financials. you cant start a life together with secrets. you wanna be open and honest with each other or honestly theirs no point. good luck with everything hun

That's a tough one. I would want to know but if it were him asking me that question my mom would say that's not your husband yet, you don't have to tell him that. She also says the right hand never lets the left hand know what it's doing. So maybe his family has told him the same things

While it's definitely important to know when merging two lives, I don't think is as dramatic as some others make it seem. I think its unhelpful for others to compare their situation to yours because money is so personal and means different things to us all. Has he told you his reasoning for this? Are you confident that once married he will be more open? Without trying to find out a specific number, it may be helpful to discuss each of your philosophies when it comes to money, how you each got to think that way and how each of you thinks the finances and transparency surrounding income will or should change after your wedding. If it continues to be an issue or after talking in your own you think couples counseling can help, then there is that, but this doesn't have to be fatal and we all have issues with our relationships. Not one is perfect. As a side note for everyone reading, I worked as a financial customer service rep for retirement accounts for 4 years and I was always shocked at how little one spouse knew about the accounts after the death of or divorce from the other spouse because the other *handled the money." No one plans on those situations happening, but they do and knowledge is power.

Um no. You’re feelings are logical. If you have plans to marry him then his salary is your business.

Yikes I would not be okay with this at all. My fh and I both have some credit card debt as well as student loans and we have been completely open with each other about it and our plans to pay it off after the wedding. In addition to that teacher salaries are public knowledge. Google the district and find the collective bargaining agreement. 😃

HUGE RED FLAG. I could not marry someone who would not disclose his salary.
Without knowing each other's income, how else are you going to figure out how to divide expenses? How are you handling finances now?
I don't need to know how my boyfriend spends every penny or how much exactly he makes, but I have a general idea of his debt, what it's for, how much he makes, and he's open about his spending. Money is a very basic thing that needs to be discussed before and during marriage. Why does he need to wait for marriage? Is he afraid you're going to leave him if you think he's not making enough? Is he embarrassed because he took a pay cut?You're ENGAGED, not dating. This is absolutely jaw dropping. Do not put down a single deposit for any vendors until you get to the bottom of this. Maybe you need a prenup. His insistence is either super immature or shady. Hopefully just the former!

Your definitely not overthinking, debt is very important to me as well and having an open relationship when it comes to finances because in all honesty that is the number 1 fail of marriages. In my opinion I would think something is up if he didnt disclose that and would get to the bottom of it before taking that step, for your own piece of mind. Maybe share accounts.. but im not married yet so i may be talking out my ass

I would be worried. That's ridiculous that he won't disclosure it until after marriage. Finances are the top stressor in most marriages and to have one refuse to talk about theirs is recipe for long term major problems. As far as you know his student loans are the only debt he has. Maybe there is more? If he's not talking now how can you be sure he will be willing to talk finances out after the wedding?

You're engaged. It is your business.

I agree that honesty is very important. Maybe you should tell him your parents' story and explain to him why it makes you feel uncomfortable to not know what his finances are like.

My story is different, although seeing the other comments on here, not a very popular one. I still don't know my husband's salaries. If I ever knew, then I forgot. I know that he has two jobs: a full time and a part time job. I know that he works a lot. I know that he took me on knowing that my only income comes from SSDI and that when I do work, it will never be full time. He pays the rent for both of us and steps in financially when I need it. He never asks me to chip in for bills. I only continue to pay for the things I paid for before I moved in with him. We aren't broke, but he'll tell me if something costs too much. Whenever I got a new job, I would tell him my salary and I'm pretty sure I've asked him about his, but I don't think he felt comfortable telling me before we were married. So I let it go.

I think you guys should be upfront about your finances. This is one of the top causes of divorce! Also being able to budget will help know how you can spend. It’s not like you are spending his money before the wedding. It helps you both be able to budget better. I know what my fiancé makes but that doesn’t mean I’m going around spending his money.

View Quoted Comment I'm in this same boat. I don't know exactly what my husband makes but it's not a secret. He pays the mortgage and all our bills. I only pay my personal bills. He knows what I make because he's a CPA and he does my taxes. 🤣

I don’t think you’re overthinking it. I also find it odd that he won’t share this with you. Some people are uncomfortable discussing money but as an engaged couple about to get married this is something that should be discussed first hand not afterwards.