Cher Horowitz
Rockstar December 2019

Finances

Cher Horowitz, on August 11, 2019 at 6:38 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 43
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My dad wasn’t transparent with my mom about finances. After they were married, she found out he was in loads of debt.

My FH only has student loans. My mom wants there to be no secrets between me and FH regarding money.

FH recently got a new teaching job, so I asked about his new salary. He refuses to tell me and says he won’t disclose his salary until after we marry. He thinks it isn’t my business to know now. I think this is really weird and dishonest. Am I overthinking this?

43 Comments

  • Peggy
    Master November 2019
    Peggy ·
    • Flag
    No I wouldn’t like this either. I think you should be able to negotiate finances and how can you plan a life if you don’t know what you’re working with. I’m a teacher though and usually teaching salaries are public information if you look on the website for his district.
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  • C
    Dedicated October 2019
    Caitlin ·
    • Flag
    That’s super weird. My FH and I have known each other’s salaries long before we got engaged. These are details you need to know if you’re planning a life together. I’m sure your FH is probably just uncomfortable discussing money, but it seems distrustful and I would probably read too far into it. It’s one of those things where when you don’t have answers, your mind fills in the gaps whether it’s true or not. You definitely need to sit down and have an open conversation about finances. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Dedicated July 2020
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    I agree that it's something you should be able to talk about at this point in your relationship. I wouldn't like that at all.
    • Reply
  • Tiffany
    Savvy March 2020
    Tiffany ·
    • Flag
    You are definitely not overthinking! Finances are the #1 cause for divorce! And if he is being secretive about where he stands financially now, what could he hide once you do get married?
    There should be no secrets! If a man ca hide something like that, then when y’all get married..you could find out that he’s in more debt than you think and you could end up being the only one who can financially support the marriage.
    But yeah, it’s your marriage & you should be the woman that he sees as his everything, and one who he can tell Anything to.
    • Reply
  • Shelly
    Dedicated May 2020
    Shelly ·
    • Flag
    Yeah that would upset me as well. I feel like if you are wanting to marry someone that shouldn't be something that is a secret. I mean it's common etiquette to not ask people how much they make but you guys are getting married. You will need to discuss finances, bills, etc to make sure you're on the same page or it can possibly lead to issues in the future.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar October 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    No you aren't. If you're going to be his wife you should discuss that kind of thing. I think your mom is 100% right.

    • Reply
  • Allie
    Rockstar August 2019
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    That is very weird to me. FH has no problem telling me about his finances. He was hesitant to tell me how much debt he was in at first. But we discuss our salaries. Nothing should be secret.

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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    Honesty and finances are the two biggest things nowadays that cause stress and lead to divorce. His actions are immature at best and suspicious at worst. I would reccomend putting your wedding on hold until you can work it out, marrying someone who keeps secrets, especially about money, is not healthy. I'm super sorry for you, it seems like your heart is in the right place here.
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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    • Flag
    I think it's odd that you asked and he won't tell you. I dont know exactly what my husband makes. However, all our pay stubs and tax records are in our filing cabinet. I have access to the information.
    • Reply
  • Rachel
    Super July 2019
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    This is a red flag, if you’re in a serious relationship with someone / engaged it’s definitely your business!
    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This I teach preschool. Only thought is maybe he embraced cause teachers make so little. But he should not be and I mean everyone knows teachers are not in it for the money.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    You do not have any right to see details of his current spending. But he should let you know his base salary . And things that affect it. Public schools often go up in steps for seniority after the first bump up for tenure, or further degrees, private schools may not. But range of salary if his new job he should tell you. And you should check, to see if he is hiding something, because that is strange, not telling you .
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    VIP October 2019
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    No I definitely think that's a bit weird. Have you guys done any marital counseling? I highly recommend financial peace University.. With Dave Ramsey.. You can Google it. His teachings do say to keep finances separate until after marriage but I would think your future husband would be willing to tell you that information which is why it's a bit strange 🤨
    • Reply
  • Katelyn
    Devoted October 2020
    Katelyn ·
    • Flag
    This is really strange. My fiancé and I know each other’s salaries and how much we make each paycheck. We discuss money before we spend any of it and prioritize things. This would put me on edge if my fiancé suddenly didn’t tell me what his salary was.
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    That’s odd my FH knows my salary & I know his hourly wage (he gets a descent amount of OT at times so his weekly salary can change by a few hundred dollars).
    • Reply
  • Ashley
    Dedicated April 2020
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    That is a red flag! I don't know how I would feel about marrying someone who wasn't transparent with me.
    • Reply
  • Farrah
    Devoted September 2019
    Farrah ·
    • Flag
    Your mom might be a little biased because it has happened to her before. I wouldn’t let that get to you or make yourself think you will go through the same thing just because she did. I do, however think it’s a little weird he won’t talk money with you. I would have had to been completely comfortable with my fiancé and I talking about anything and everything before I agreed to marry him.
    • Reply
  • Sara
    Devoted February 2020
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    I'm with everyone else.. It seems really weird. Being married shouldn't be a magic button push that allows you to see what's behind door number two. If you're engaged and getting married..that should be warrant enough to discuss finances. FH and I know what each other make and we work at the same place..where that kind of thing isn't really allowed. Granted, we're also looking to buy a house together..but still. It's not like you're asking him to join all of your finances or anything. Being aware of what you guys have to work with as you join your lives is pretty important.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    VIP February 2020
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you’re overthinking things! FH & I have been open to each other about our finances since before we were engaged. I think it’s definitely something important to talk about before getting married!
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Dedicated October 2020
    Danielle ·
    • Flag
    My FH and I met almost 6 years ago. After about half a year together I was basically living with him at his moms until we had enough money to get out on our own. I would say probably about a year and half the maximum, I knew what he made per hour, and what he payed in child support and he knew what I get from disability. The first year living together he was sensitive about some stuff like the family court papers, a tattoo that he has that no one knows means. Those things were more personal so I understood and eventually, he felt the need to hide nothing. About 2 years ago he told me what his tattoo meant and no one else knows. Money can be a huge stress when it comes to marriage and relationships. As someone who has been unable to work since 19 ( I worked so much from 16-19 I got the work credits for disability ) and because I don’t get much, money is extremely tight and we don’t get any help from his family. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about it. If you’re getting married there’s no need to hide anything until you’re married... that sounds controlling and alarming. You shouldn’t be walking into a marriage that has secrets and what not. I don’t think you are over reacting either because despite debt, you have the right to know how much there is and where it’s being allocated to because your bills are important and depend on that. Going into my marriage I know how much he makes, how much he has to pay for the kids, how much money he used for some of my medical expenses not covered by insurance, what he puts towards bills and his own personal bills, what goes towards rent and what is used for food down to what is used to for “hobbies” like video games or little stuff he wastes his money on. I know everything and he knows everything and it’s been a HUGE help in us both having a sense of security!!!
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