Fiance' won't travel - Your opinion appreciated!

Him calling you a spoiled brat and selfish is kind of a red flag, it seems very childish to react that way when the bigger conversation is about you two getting married. Does he have any underlying conditions where if he gets sick it could be life threatening? If not, most people with cases of COVID only have mild symptoms and are fine. Putting your life on hold because of this virus is not in anyone's best interest. However, if he's not comfortable with traveling then I'm not too sure what you can do. Some people are more scared of it than others, and there's really no talking sense into people who are fearful. It worries me he doesn't want to put the effort into being with you to plan your wedding. Like I said, some people are more fearful than others and this virus has almost debilitated those people, but in all honesty, if he has no underlying conditions he should be fine traveling.

Thanks, Missa. He does not. He's perfectly healthy. His stance is folks who were perfectly healthy didn't survive. I agree. He's not really making an effort to budge and it's frustrating. I've already reduced our wedding down to an elopement for now. Now, I'm waiting on him to get on a plane. He works from home as an engineer so he doesn't leave the house much; he orders everything online. He feels the country is moving too soon and we all need to be patient and observe.

Take your time and take a deep breath.


Respect his opinion—however name calling is never nice!
Work together to create a new plan, these times are crazy and we just have to adapt and craft a new game plan.

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Thanks, @Miss2Mrs2020

I'm trying to remain calm but I can feel my emotions are bubbling over because we're not moving fast enough. His attitude of 'being patient' is really starting to wear me thin. I will take a deep breath and relax and revisit this again later on down the line.

The name calling is not ok, at all. However, as someone who lives in one of the hardest hit states and personally knows several otherwise young and healthy people who have/had it, it is 100% not something to take lightly. He has every right to not want to put his health at risk. Yes, some people show no symptoms. However, plenty more have severe symptoms, even without underlying conditions. There's no telling which camp you'll be in. I'm otherwise young and healthy, and you honestly couldn't pay me enough to get near an airport right now. Many of us have put our lives on hold due to this virus. It sucks. You know what sucks more? Not being able to support your friend through her grief like you would like as she buries her father alone. Hearing the horror stories from your friend who is an ER doctor and barely has a moment to himself as he jumps from patient to patient. Not being able to go and hug your own father after he loses his best friend. Say he does hop on a plane, and given they are just one giant petri dish of disease, he contracts COVID and he isn't a mild case, how would you feel then? My heart aches for those who have had to put their weddings on hold, like my sister in law. I am also scared every day when my husband goes to work because he's an essential worker at a warehouse where people have contracted it. My heart aches the most for those who have had to bury their loved ones in isolation, and that number is way too high.

He shouldn’t be calling you names. Stress is high for everyone right now. I would try and be more understanding that he is not currently comfortable getting on a plane. I totally understand wanting him to be with you during all of this but he doesn’t feel comfortable. He’s right, people are still getting sick and I personally wouldn’t be flying (and going through airports, ew) unless it was absolutely essential right now. I’m sure he wants to be with you too but because he’s the one that can work remotely it’s all on him to be the one physically travelling. To me, that means he has the biggest say on when. Maybe you guys could decide on what the situation needs to look like for him to travel so you can both have the same expectations of the situation. Or a deadline in a few months to agree that he’ll drive is he isn’t comfortable flying?


I bet it’s super difficult not being together and not having a concrete idea of when that will happen. Once he does move you’ll get to have an entire life together, he’s trying to make that move safely.

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Wow, @Hannah

Your comment really does put it into perspective. The way you've written is exactly the way he explains it. He follows news reports and understands the seriousness. We all do. He's totally fearful of contracting it and not surviving and he feels the better way is be patient and wait for better practices to roll-out for travel. He also wants to see how airports are working to control the spread and he feels we don't have enough data at this time. I am an essential worker and must go in to work everyday. He feels I'm focused solely on getting married as opposed to recognizing the seriousness of the pandemic. I think I feel alone in this because my situation is unique in that we're long distance during the pandemic so we're no quarantining together. Thanks for commenting!

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Thanks, @Courtney

This helps calm my nerves. Driving would be 16 hours for him and he's always flown. I do feel he should put more effort into figuring out how he can drive. You're absolutely right; the pressure is on him to travel because he's a remote worker. I think a deadline should be created.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I absolutely cannot imagine how hard it must be to be separated from your fiance, and I get wanting to focus your attention on something positive like getting married and the extreme urge to be with the one you love. I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope that we can responsibly start re-opening, but a virus isn't something you can reason with. It won't listen to "hey dude, you're kinda messing up everyone's life right now." I have been stuck inside, only doing occasional grocery runs since March 13th. I hate not seeing my friends and family. But we all have to do what we can right now for the greater good. I really hope you can be reunited with your fiance soon. This whole situation sucks big time. I feel for you, 100%.

Everyone is reacting differently in these times. You both need to respect each other. I get that he CAN work remote/travel but that puts him at greater risk since it’s on him to do so. I would NOT get on a plane in May, so pushing him to do it when he’s anxious isn’t fair. You two need to work out a plan that’s comfortable to you both.

So sorry you are in this position. As a Manhattan resident and daughter, sister, friend to many NYC medical staff in the ER and ICU during this time. Also, having witnessed a number of people we know succumb to this virus, I strongly urge you to exercise some patience.


Marriage is a lifetime commitment, this pandemic will be a short blip in the timeline you will spend together. A few months of waiting or even a year, in the grand scheme of things is nothing compared to spending 40-50 years together.
If I were you, I’d look at the bigger picture and defer to your fiancés wishes. Only because if anything happens to him or even you, you will never be able to live with yourself. Given the uncertainty of this virus, it’s very hard to plan anything. The whole world is at a standstill and speculating on how things will turn out.
Personally, I would first let your fiancé know his tone and choice of words are hurtful and disrespectful and that you hope he is able to communicate his point without resorting to name calling. You understand times are stressful and you will forgive him, but in the future he should be more mindful. Then I would let him know, after really thinking through everything you agree he should wait and you will exercise patience because you love him and want nothing more than for him to be safe rather than risk infection.
One last thing, if you really want to get your way and make him come to you. After you let him know you are deferring to him timeline, make sure he truly feels the distance between you two and pull back a little. Let him feel that he won’t get full access to you if he continues to live separately from you. Not in a malicious way, but in a subtle matter of a fact way. Men don’t really feel compelled to take any risks unless they feel there is a risk in losing something they want. This strategy speaks volumes over demanding or ultimatums. So if you are used to FaceTime or communicating five times a day cut it down to once a day and at a time that works best for you. If you have a joint account where you can see each other’s spending habits, open a separate account and operate out of that account. If you sext cut that off for now. See if his attitude changes...
Hope this helps!

Has he ever travelled to your area before?

View Quoted Comment @ Sasha - This was beyond helpful! You calmed me as well. You're right; this is serious and I can see how I may appear selfish and erratic. Its hard when your plans are halted but a small moment in time doesn't compare to a lifetime together. He constantly reassures me we're not leaving each other ever and he's not leaving, ever. I think he can sense my impatient attitude. We are truly in love and this is testing us. Thank you so much for giving your honest opinion.

View Quoted Comment Yes; quite a few times. He has to fly bc it's a 16 hour drive. He's never driven such a long distance before.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing that. You're absolutely right. I shouldn't ask him to be unsafe right now. He feels very unsafe geeting on a plane.

View Quoted Comment That’s great! I’m happy you feel better and wish you best of luck.

I definitely agree calling you names is nasty but i think maybe having a middle ground like ok then how about you wait another 2 weeks and see if the cases do rise or not? i can see his valid concern regarding travel and the fear in it. but i do agree with you that if that's the case then he's gonna stretch out ever coming to you. but if he is more comfortable waiting two weeks i think i would just let him with the compromise being ok after two weeks then, come. because dragging it out longer doesn't help either

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Thanks, @Melle

That's exactly what worries me. He may not feel comfortable traveling until NEXT YEAR? This is the frustrating part because there's no end in sight and all I'm getting is "be patient and observe". I know he means well but compromise needs to happen. Beyond this conversation, we never fight. This is heartbreaking.

View Quoted Comment I know you miss him terribly right now (which may be heightened due to Covid), but he is the one who has to take on all the risk right now. And everyone’s different. My hubby has been a lot more anxious than me, but because he worries more we had enough toilet paper and food supplies early!

I get both sides to this. I'm going to be so stressed out next time I fly to my FH, that I likely won't go over as soon as things are open again. But at the same time, I want to hijack a plane and fly myself straight to his house because damn this is beyond long.

But at the same time, I will not risk jeopardizing his health for anything. He's a smoker, which means if he did contract it, he would most likely be at risk for serious complications as his lungs are already damaged.

My man is a chronic worrier by nature, but he has actually been more calm than me through this situation so far, which is interesting.

I've also noticed during this time that my urge to get married asap has gotten strong beyond belief. I think part of me feels like if people are going to act like this is the end of the world, then I want to be his wife before the end.

I'd decided some months before all this that if either of us got a life threatening illness, the first thing I would do is marry him. I'm not sure I can fully explain why, it's just something I'd made my mind up on.