Beginner September 2021

Fiancé told me he was depressed because I’m fat

AT, on August 15, 2021 at 5:26 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 3 42

I was 30 pounds lighter when I met my FH 3 years ago. I was also underweight and had an eating disorder helping keep my weight low.
I know 30 is a lot to gain. Part of it is new medicine, another part is me becoming sedentary over the pandemic, and I love dessert. I order it on the weekends but I still generally limit myself. I’ve become sedentary largely because of my work schedule as a lawyer. Working 50+ hours a week, planning this wedding entirely by myself in 8 months, and litigating a case for FH’s mom so we can keep the house we are currently living in. FH also gained about 20 pounds since we met, and I thought he still found me attractive, I really look like a normal weight just soft.
FH was acting quiet all week and going down to the bar more than usual, and finally spilled last night what was wrong. He told me he was depressed because I’ve gotten so big. He didn’t want to be around me because the way I look actively bums him out. He said that every time I ate cookie dough I was disrespecting him, because I didn’t care what he felt when he looked at me. He asked why he wasn’t good enough for me to try to be attractive.
My eating disordered brain just came flying back like a slap in the face. I told don’t worry I know how to lose it just give me some time. Now I can’t eat in front of him without crazy anxiety and every time I look at food I think about disrespecting him. I try and keep my chewing silent so he doesn’t hear me eating
And I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk down the aisle in a mermaid dress in front of all those people knowing I look like a fat cow and I’m actively depressing him. I feel sick every time I look at myself now and I’m supposed to be walking down the aisle in a month.
I don’t know what to do, I feel unbelievably lost and uncomfortable and alone. Someone please give me perspective!


Latest activity by Mary, on September 5, 2021 at 5:32 PM
  • G
    Savvy April 2022
    Gc ·
    • Flag
    I am so so sorry. This is truly awful behavior by your fiancé and to be honest I would consider it a major red flag. If this is a problem now, is this going to be a problem for the rest of your lives together? People change and bodies change. What does he expect in 30 years, or if you have a baby, etc? You should feel loved by your fiancé at all times regardless of your body. I would be really considering if this is truly who you believe is best to spend your whole life with. And again, I am so sorry he is behaving this way towards you.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    You need to leave this relationship. There are so many red flags. He knows you have a history of ED and that you were underweight when you met and he’s choosing to use your weight as an excuse for his own issues. Depression isn’t caused by the way someone else looks and the fact that he’d use something he knew would trigger you to defend his feelings is gross.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    You have done absolutely nothing wrong. As you said, you are now at a healthy weight. It takes a lot of strength and courage to reach this stage. As for your FH. This is unacceptable and irresponsible behavior on his part. Not only is he blaming you for how he feels, he has triggered a dangerous condition which is negatively effecting your mental and physical health. Ask yourself why he has so little respect for you. By all standards, you are an Intelligent, successful person and you deserve to be respected as such. Do not let this behavior slide. Stop planning this wedding (especially alone) and ask yourself the really hard questions.
    • Reply
  • Givemeallthepups
    Expert February 2020
    Givemeallthepups ·
    • Flag
    This sounds incredibly abusive. I would recommend therapy to help deal with your past disordered eating and him triggering that past. His behavior was 100% not normal and was completely unacceptable.
    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry, what?! As others have said, there are SO MANY red flags here. What he said is absolutely inappropriate, especially given your ED history. You are at a healthy weight, which is fantastic. Also, why have you been planning this wedding alone? It takes 2 people to get married, and he needs to play a part in the planning process. It sounds like you are doing SO much for this relationship and for him, and he has the nerve to say that you're disrespecting him by learning to have a healthy relationship with food? I know you said that the wedding is a month away, but I would strongly encourage you take a pause, maybe speak with a therapist, and really evaluate if this man is worthy of being in your life. I know you haven't shared every detail of your relationship, and I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities, but....there is very VERY little positive that can outweigh how utterly disrespectful, dangerous, and innapropiate his actions have been.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    Absolutely call this wedding off.

    This is no way for ANYONE to treat you.
    What will he think you look like if you get pregnant?? (I'm 34 weeks, and that is when one ACTUALLY looks like a cow, because one has a PINEAPPLE sized fetus inside.)
    Dump his butt, tell him it's because he's an immature hypocrite with no concern for your or his health.
    And then get a good therapist, because I'm sure he's done other awful things.
    I'm so sorry.
    • Reply
  • Gabby
    Devoted October 2021
    Gabby ·
    • Flag
    Oh honey I am so sad for you. Honestly do not put yourself through this. He revealed his true self to you so now I feel like the choice should be clear. A true life partner would never ever ever say that to you. I would never look at my partner the same if he said that to me. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum very overweight and my fiance would constantly be worried I'm not eating enough because I want to lose weight. He should want you to be healthy and whatever way you choose. Bodies change as we get older, endure stress, have children etc.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Aalia, how dare he!? I’m so angry for you!! First of all, his depression has nothing to do with you or your size. Certainly my happiness level is not determined whatsoever by my husband’s weight and vice versa. Tell him you can lose 100 plus pounds immediately and dump him!! For the record, your profile picture is beautiful!!! You are the whole package: beautiful, you’re an intelligent lawyer, clearly hardworking, and kind enough to help his mom out - geez what the heck more does he want?! Pardon my bluntness, but tell him if he wants to feel happier to get his butt out of drinking in bars, lose his own weight and finish the wedding planning himself as you have carried the ball alone for 8 months! He needs you WAY MORE then you need him sister! I’m sorry for my bluntness during what must be a fragile time, but you are strong and don’t let anyone manipulate you otherwise ❤️❤️❤️
    • Reply
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    1. Leave this abusive relationship
    2. Get in therapy to help you cope with your eating disorder, learn how to identify red flags in relationships, and help you process

    He's not coming from a place of concern. He's being controlling and guilting you. This man wants you at an unhealthy weight when he's gained weight himself. He is triggering your eating disorder and probably knows it.
    This is not a normal or healthy relationship. Do you want him talking to your daughters like this?
    If you were underweight 30 lb ago, then you're normal weight now.
    • Reply
  • Kiyome
    Devoted December 2022
    Kiyome ·
    • Flag
    Wow I am so sorry for what you are going through. Having gained weight after having an eating disorder myself, I know how hard it is just to feel like you are doing the right thing for your health and happiness. I can't imagine having a partner who only cares about himself and completely disregards and abuses you and the progress you have made! I would 1000% end this relationship and talk to a therapist. You are amazing and don't deserve someone who treats you any less❤
    • Reply
  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This absolutely 💯
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Master November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    You deserve better.

    • Reply
  • S
    Sammy ·
    • Flag
    I have a tingling he cheated, that's why he's been avoiding you and he actively picked something that would make you spiral to attack you with do you have no mental energy to look at him.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Beginner September 2023
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    If something as normal as eating in front of your fiancé gives you anxiety, you really need to leave. He should support your weight gain since having issues with an eating disorder. He disrespected you. I know it is so hard to leave when you thought they were who you would spend forever with but you only get to live once and i know no one wants you to be miserable, having an eating disorder, or feel uncomfortable in your relationship. what is he going to say after you guys have kids? if he can’t look at you, don’t even give him the option anymore. demand better for yourself! I honestly wasn’t able to read your whole post before i got upset for you. you deserve so much better. please don’t marry a man who makes you feel this way. Any guy would be so lucky to have you and appreciate you the way you are and the way your body changes.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this
    • Reply
  • Aurora
    Beginner October 2022
    Aurora ·
    • Flag
    30 pounds isn't even that much if you were starting out underweight. I think there are really a lot of red flags and I wouldn't marry someone who claims to be depressed for a few extra pounds. I'm assuming you didn't go from fit to severely overweight or obese. I feel for you, no woman should feel that way.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Dedicated February 2023
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    A good man does not demean or diminish you. A good man does not reduce your self esteem. They love you the way you are. They love you for who you are. The fact he brings this up sounds like he wants to make you feel small. Is he trying to step on you to elevate himself because of his own low self esteem? Is he a selfish short term thinker who is looking for an easy way out?

    This, to me, is not a relationship you should be staying in because I don’t see enough love. Love is acceptance, appreciation and gratitude. Love is not diminishing and demeaning.

    I suggest you set a standard and say: “I love you and I care about you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept me. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me for who I am. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who looks at me and says, ‘I’m not attracted to her’. If you need to go fix this, go fix it. This is not my problem to fix. If you’re not going to fix this, this is the end of our relationship”.

    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
    • Flag

    Run. Run fast. Run far. He just showed you the kind of person he is - someone who is willing to *trigger an eating disorder* so that he can feel superior. This is not unusual in abusive relationships - many people in abusive relationships are told they're fat or they've gained weight because it's a control issue.

    • Reply
  • Candace
    Devoted March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    Run. Do not feel pressured to explain yourself either. Just call the whole thing off and tell him to go f himself. Your entire life, your future, future children, your sanity, and your health is at stake here.

    And find a therapist for yourself soon. You will need some support maintaining your mental state through this.
    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    I'm going to say something first that is probably going to piss some people off, but it's important to the rest of my point, so I encourage you to read it. My comment will also be very long, but read it all.

    It's okay for your FH to have preferences. We all do. It's also okay, and in fact normal, for you to not always fit that preference. I'll give an example out of my own 20+ year-strong relationship: I, personally, like my husband a little softer. He prefers himself about 10 pounds lighter than I like. He fluctuates between what I like and what he likes. He does not always fit my preference. It's normal.

    It's also completely normal to not always find your partner attractive, or for them to not always find you attractive.

    Because here's the reality: you're not always going to be attractive. Neither will your partner. There is no way, when you live with another person, to find them attractive all the time. There will be the time after they got the bad tacos that they spend the entire night on the toilet and you need an atomic bomb to clear the bathroom after. There will be the time you get your wisdom teeth removed, and he has to clean a mix of mashed potatoes and bloody saliva off your chin because your face is so numb you don't realize you've drooled everywhere (been there). There will be the time that you've just given birth and are basically wearing diapers.

    Now, the reason I said all of that is: absolutely none of that is ever a reason for your partner to make you feel bad about yourself. Ever. Your partner doesn't always have to be attracted to you - but they do always have to respect you.

    Every part of what he has said and done is manipulative. Giving you the silent treatment, going to the bar more than usual (both "punishments,") asking you why he "isn't good enough" for you to be attractive for him. These are by-the-book manipulation tactics. Manipulation is not love or respect.

    He is not depressed because of your weight, and quite frankly, that is an insult to everyone who has ever experienced real depression. Your dad dies, you are depressed. You have a chemical imbalance, you are depressed. Your future wife gains a few pounds? You are not depressed.

    You eating cookie dough is "disrespecting" him? Let's talk about disrespect. Disrespect is telling your future wife she's fat. Disrespect is telling your future wife, who you know has a mental condition surrounding food, that you don't want to be around her because she gained a few pounds. Disrespect is making your future wife feel like she can't eat in front of you.

    I'm also going to say this: I think he used this language on purpose, for an even more insidious reason. He knows you have bad mental associations with food. He knew that making it a moral issue ("disrespect") would trigger those bad associations and make you do something drastic.

    Anxiety is a response to stressful stimuli. Anxiety is your body's way of telling you, "we're in a bad situation." You are in a bad situation.

    I am so sorry you are in this position, and I know that with your condition it may be difficult for you to accept this, but your eating habits are not the problem here. Get away from what triggered you: your fiancé.

    • Reply

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