Fiancé told me he was depressed because I’m fat

I am so sorry your going through this I have a lot to say first off you don't need to lose weight you are beautiful, the fact that he says that makes me so angry for you , I would leave his behind because you deserve better, please know that you are beautiful and if your fiance can't see your beauty then maybe he doesn't deserve you

I don't have anything to add to all of the great advice already posted, but I did want to offer a virtual hug. You are worth so much more than what this relationship is providing you. Please, please reach out to your inner circle of friends and family to help you cancel this wedding and protect yourself.

Pardon my French, but ...He is NOT the one, my friend. I've been in bad relationships and was too young and stupid to see the signs that I was not the one for them.

If you're hearing things like this BEFORE marriage, things will get worse AFTER marriage. Please don't get married to this guy yet. If you REALLY love him and like his company/you mesh well together, wait another year or 2 to see if anything else that "bothers him" arises. You do not deserve to feel like you're "disrespecting" him just by eating COOKIE DOUGH!!! I have gained wait in our relationship and my husband annoyingly will grab my chunks and say lovey dovey things like "You're thicker than a snicker" or "MINE!" He knows I'm gaining weight and instead of making me feel bad, he's STILL making me feel beautiful (even though I don't feel it! lol). Point is: if you're depressing this guy over a little weight, KNOWING the things you're going through, he is not the one. The man for you will make you feel amazing at all times, good and the bad, ups and downs, happy or sad.

This guy is already making you feel bad about yourself, which is the worst. This is an early sign of abuse and manipulation. Please do yourself a favor and rethink your relationship. There is someone out there that will be your world and you will be EVERYTHING to him. I agree with someone previous who mentioned that you won't always be attractive at every point. My husband could gain a ton more weight and I wouldn't DREAM of making him feel bad about it because I love that man to DEATH and he is my DREAMBOAT!

You need to think about what he is actually saying to you and what it means. My wish is for you to make a clean break, state your purpose for leaving, and just move on. Someone like that will just weasel their way into convincing you to stay.

I will leave you with this final note. I had 2 girls with my ex of 11 years. When I made the decision to leave, he said that I would never find anyone else, and that "NO ONE will want you with that stomach after having my kids".

I am happily remarried with the most amazing man who is the complete OPPOSITE of everything I went through with my ex. I had no idea that such happiness existed and we created our own beautiful son who just turned 4. Go, my child. The grass is luscious green on the other side.

Your FH is so so so wrong. He either has insecurity issues or control issues or is just a horrible human being.

YOU don't owe your body to ANYONE. If your FH is not attracted to you because you gained weight, then he's not attracted to YOU. Attraction is more than skin deep, more than the shape or size of your body. If he was concerned about you gaining weight because he was worried about your health and he genuinely cared about and for you, he would have approached this in an entirely different way. He would NEVER even suggest that you are no longer attractive to him or that his mental health is somehow your responsibility. Knowing you have struggled with disordered eating and then suggesting that you nourishing your body is an act of disrespect towards him is cowardly, insensitive, and cruel.

Eating disorders, depression, and anxiety are all real mental illnesses, often with complex causes. One does not "become depressed" because their partner gains some weight, and claiming such is so blatantly disrespectful towards those who struggle with mental illness, including yourself.

In college, I dated a guy who was naturally tall and skinny and I, being naturally quite muscular and solid even when very lean, developed some seriously disordered eating and exercise patterns that persisted for the majority of our 3 year relationship. Only after that relationship ended did I realize how often the pressure I felt from him to be skinner, perform or look a certain way, etc was a result of HIS insecurities. He wanted me to "look the part" of the slim girlfriend because it made him feel better and fit the image he wanted to project to the world, and he wanted control over various aspects of our relationship to make him feel more like a "man" and secure in his own being. He leveraged my desire to make him happy in ways that made me feel guilty, ashamed, and insecure, and in ways that specifically targeted past trauma I endured. It was disgusting and demoralizing, and also very subtle, which is why I didn't realize it until years in. That relationship taught me a lot about what I did and did not desire in future relationships and from future partners.

I married a guy who has never said a single critical thing about my body in 5+ years. When I am critical of myself, he tells me I'm beautiful. Both of our weights have fluctuated since we have been together (mine by close to 30lbs) but if our partner feels okay and is healthy, it really is not of any concern. I love him as much as I ever have. And he loves me every day, without fail. Having that in someone else has taught me to be a lot more compassionate with myself. My hubby is never going to model men's swimwear (except maybe for Chubbies) and realizing it made zero difference in how I felt about him, my desire for him or my attraction to me made me realize I'm worthy of love even if I have 11 lines and cellulite. If your FH can't adore you and be attracted to you because you put on some weight, then his love for you is superficial and not sincere.

I am so sorry you have had to endure such mistreatment from the person you planned to marry. I would seriously re-evaluate your relationship with this man. His behavior is manipulative, emotionally abusive, and intolerable. You deserve better.

Also, I don't know if you were planning on having kids, but 30 pounds is about what a woman with an average BMI puts on during pregnancy. So better to find out your FH is obsessed with your appearance now, then to be in a position where your body is expanding because it's making miracles happen, and hubby is all like "well I don't find you attractive anymore because you've gained weight because you are carrying my baby." I know I probably will hate my body at points during and after pregnancy, but I'm 100% sure my husband will still tell me I'm sexy and beautiful even when I'm stretched and swollen. Find yourself a man who loves ALL of you, at your worst and at your best.

None of what he said to you is ok or acceptable. I second all of the comments to leave this relationship now. I am so sorry he said those things. I know it's hard to leave, but I guarantee you a lifetime of that will be much harder. No matter how much time or money you have invested so far, it is worth it to leave it all and walk away. I promise.

Do not marry this person.

I am grateful for each one of your perspectives - painful to read but eye-opening. Thank you truly. I have my own therapist already, but I set up weekly intensive premarital counseling sessions which are meant to foster brutal honesty and help decide whether marriage is the right choice for either of us. I do not have it in me to immediately call off the wedding without trying - but I will make a decision with a clear head and my eyes wide open. Thank you again for being such an incredible community.

Whoa! Okay this is a lot to take in..
In my opinion I would consider this as a red flag because he mentioned how he is DEPRESSED based on your weight GAIN. And for him to point out how certain things you eat disrespects him? This seems shallow and controlling. And for him to be giving you anxiety over this? Unacceptable. You will constantly live in fear if he continues to keep this type of mindset. Overtime he will destroy your confidence if you do not keep the ideal weight he WANTS. And overtime you will will either have to constantly hide and lie about eating desserts that you love so much, or not eat them at all because you will revert to him thinking about you getting "bigger". I'm sorry this is happening to you, but from what I just read he disrespected YOU. I am wishing you the best. Just know that you don't need his validation to prove your WORTH on who you are. You ARE beautiful no matter what. If he can't SEE that then he will only hurt you more in the long run

He is CANCLED! I would call off the wedding and move on

I vote you tell him that you're depressed because he's an asshole.

Please consider this a blessing that he showed his true colors BEFORE you married him and leave his disrespectful a** now. I know the thought of leaving is tough. You deserve SO much better for yourself. THIS IS ABUSE! Think of your future and your future children. Your sons will grow up to treat women the way your partner treats you. Your daughters will grow up to choose a man who treats them the way your partner treats you. Please choose a partner who treats you the way you would want your children to be treated by their partner.

I support you and this 100%. Best of luck!