Daisha
Just Said Yes September 2018

Fiance Called Off Our Wedding

Daisha, on September 10, 2018 at 8:23 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 136
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Hey everybody. First off, I’ll go ahead and apologize if this post is rather lengthy. I have a lot on my heart and I appreciate any and all guidance.

So my fiancé and I have been together about 3 years now. A year ago, he proposed and we have been planning our wedding for September 30th, 2018. I might also add that we are 9 years apart (He is 34 and I’m 25) We met and immediately fell in love and knew we wanted to get married. He even tried getting married 2 months after we got engaged, but I couldn’t afford it that fast (my family wasn’t helping financially with the wedding). As soon as we got engaged, I ended up moving in with him (I know, I should have waited especially after all this mess).

Before I get into all the details, I want to point out that he can be a very good man. He is probably the hardest worker I know and dedicated to whatever he sets his mind to. Up until I went on the road with him, he treated me like a princess. He literally was the best guy I had ever met in my entire life. He treated me like I was gold and went out of his way to do things for me I probably didn't deserve. He's a very emotional man and will open up to me about his heart and is not afraid to shed a tear and tell me how he feels about me. I have never had that type of man in my life and I found comfort in that. I truly love him with everything I have and accept him for who he is...good and bad.

Here’s a little backstory on our life : he is a professional athlete and we are on the road 300 days out of the year. I own a furniture business and was able to set up a drop shipping service where I could start traveling with him in order to support his dream. While we were on the road the last few months, things started to get harder. We are in a truck or trailer 99% of the time, so if you have a problem it’s not like you can run away. Anyway, my fiancé is a very detailed, extroverted Type A man. I, on the other hand, fly by the seat of my pants and have a laid back and introverted personality. While being stuck in a pickup and trailer the last few months, he started getting extremely critical with me talking about me wearing too much makeup, how he’s “better than me” at this or that, how I am too messy, how I shouldn’t ever want to drink alcohol, how I cuss too much (I say a cuss word every now and then, maybe that is wrong.), how my clothes are too tight, how I had been with men before him (obviously???), how I had a terrible upbringing (his parents were extremely strict and “perfect” and my mom was laid back and my dad wasn’t around). Regardless, my upbringing was not something I could change even if I wanted to. He would hurt my feelings about multiple things and I would initially ignore it. Then it got to the point where he would upset me so bad I would just not talk at all. So while I was trying to withdraw and deal with my emotions, he would say I wasn’t communicating and would start to nag me about that! Once it got to this point, I lost it and sometimes would lose my temper with him. I won’t lie, I immaturely called him a cuss word or two out of anger. I honestly felt like I was being backed into a corner on a daily basis and no matter what I did, it was never good enough. For instance, if I cussed at him or did something wrong he would either take my ring, threaten us getting married or a few times he even kicked me out of his house. I really started withdrawing and felt that I couldn’t open up to him because he felt like an enemy to me for whatever reason. I do feel that being on the road like we were was not healthy and I should have never gave up my life to do that just for his dreams and goals. As I mentioned earlier, my fiancé is 9 years older and since I’ve been around him so much I’ve felt like he treats me somewhat like a child. If I don’t pick up a certain way or say something right I feel like I get in trouble. Maybe my perspective is wrong and since we have been together 24/7 I am just being ridiculous. I truly feel that he’s always on my case about something. And if he doesn’t have something of the present, he will go to my past and talk about my previous relationships. I am so laid back, his previous relationships never even cross my mind. So it really amazes me how he is able to pick fights about these topics. Regardless, I try to help him feel better and do all I can to make things right. BTW…I realize this is only one side of the story and I’m sure he has a list of things to say about me and my ways so I’m by no means trying to bash him. These are just some of the things that have gone on leading up to all of this drama…….

On our way to an event, he started criticizing me and I immediately shut down. I realize this isn’t the mature thing to do, but being on the road, I had no “me” time and my personality couldn't handle the criticism. Without saying another word, he called his mom (he’s a BIG momma’s boy…that’s a whole other discussion) and told her to not send out the invites , that he was calling off the wedding! This happened 1.5 months before the wedding!! He even went into details with her why he was doing all of this while I just sat in the passenger’s seat bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t believe he would call his mother of all people and embarrass me that way. I was in complete shock and could barely look or speak to him. He immediately booked a flight for me and sent me home. I have to say. That was by far one of the hardest days of my life. To be so heartbroken and in shock, yet have to travel and somewhat function…I just have no words for how I felt that day. To top it off, as soon as I arrived home I got a text from his mom saying “Make sure to shut down all of the registries. I don’t want people sending gifts, so make sure to do that ASAP. “ Of all the things she could say to me, thats ALL she had to say???? I couldn’t believe it. I cried all night long. She went from talking to me daily about the wedding to immediately treating me like I was nothing to her and she didn’t care about my feelings. Anyway, a few days went by and he started bugging me like crazy. He decided he DID want to get married and had to send me our invitations out of the trailer. I started getting excited again and told my family, vendors, and bridal party it was back on. Within a few more days, once again he decided he wanted to cancel it. Side Note : Do you know what it’s like canceling a wedding , only to put it back on, only to cancel it all over again ? The poor vendors thought I had mental issues and my bridal party quit taking me seriously.

It’s been 3.5 weeks since he flew me home, and it has been extremely difficult. Every day I feel a different emotion. Some days I’m busy and can be somewhat nice to him while other days I am so angry with him I can’t think straight. He tells me he just wants to postpone the wedding and work on our issues, but I can’t even get past him calling it off in the first place. I realize there are times to call off weddings to get things right, but I honestly felt I didn’t do anything bad enough to deserve to get our wedding called off. When it’s brought up, he reminds me why I deserved to have it called off and what I did wrong, never looking at himself in the mirror. I feel that he almost did it as a way to discipline me. It’s absolutely terrible. After spending time with my family and friends the past few weeks, let’s just say they aren’t in love with him like they once were. They have all told me to run as fast as I can and move on, but I do really care for and love him with all of my heart. It’s not just something I can move on from overnight. This may be wrong, but to me, despite all his flaws that I don’t like, nothing he did was bad enough that I would ever even CONSIDER calling off our wedding. I accepted him for him, good and bad. I just feel that he didn’t do the same for me. I know I am not perfect, but in my heart I do not feel that I deserved this. I am a strong person, but this has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I might also add : a couple days ago I got 3 texts from his mom stating that “all the gifts need to be returned to ______ & ______ immediately. They want their gifts back. It needs to happen quick.” I immediately texted her and explained that I tried to return them and couldn’t get a refund and I was going to be shipping them so that way they could keep them or gift them to somebody else. I also said I’m sorry, this has been extremely hard on me and I promise I would never expect to keep the gifts. Nothing was ever taken out of the box ( there was a $25 gift and a $99 gift, we only had received 2 up until this point). After I opened up and told her how hard it had been, SHE NEVER EVEN REPLIED. Anyways...enough with the ex future mother-in-law....

I am so lost on what I should do. He will be back in week and I have already started packing my things so I won’t be here when he gets home. Am I supposed to be the bigger person and let the postponed wedding go ? Or do I have the right to feel upset and confused ? Has anybody ever gone through something similar to this ?? I have so many questions.....I have never been so lost, embarrassed, sad or angry in my entire life. I am all ears and will gladly accept any and all advice. I’m so sorry for the long post, I am just so extremely heartbroken. Smiley cry

136 Comments

  • Denise
    Devoted May 2019
    Denise ·
    • Flag
    Yes, you have every right to be upset and confused. If I were you though, I’d be upset and confused while I was running like the wind away from this situation.
    • Reply
  • Kristina
    Master August 2018
    Kristina ·
    • Flag

    You know what you need to do?

    Without trying to sound harsh: DROP. HIM.

    Yes, this is only one side of the story, but the fact that he called off the wedding TWICE AND did a complete 180 with his personality is a HUGE red flag. Huge. He sounds manipulative, judgmental, and possessive, which are all warning signs of future mental and physical abuse. What he's putting you through currently is abuse.

    I know it's hard, when you love someone so much and then your image of them is shattered. It will be VERY hard, but I promise, the best thing for you to do is walk away. Tell him you're done. Block his number, block him on everything. And surround yourself with friends and family to make it easier.

    Please, please walk away. You'll find someone else who treats you like a princess and doesn't criticize you for everything you do later on.

    Good luck! We're all here for you!

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry you’re going through this. If I were you, I would put as much distance between me and him that I possibly could. You say he hasn’t done anything bad enough, but he has. He’s psychologically abusing you and manipulating you every time he has taken away your ring, threatened to cancel the wedding, called his mom, etc. This behavior is not ok and marriage won’t make it better. I wouldn’t even consider marrying him.
    • Reply
  • Tess
    Dedicated October 2019
    Tess ·
    • Flag
    Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this- I can not imagine the amount of emotions you are feelings and how isolating this may be for you.

    You have ave every right to feel confused and sad and lost! However, I would be running away from this person ASAP. You’re right to say that you’re not just going to get over this over night and I think he did a lot of emotional damage to you that should get addressed. I am a huge advocate for therapy because we all need an unbiased person in our lives who can help us sort our emotions and provide support!

    I have the same same age difference as you (he’s 35 and I’m 26) and I have never felt anything other than his equal when we fight. If you feel like he’s disciplining you, he probably is and has power struggle issues. You seem like such a strong, kind hearted person and if someone is going to go as low as attacking your past and your family, he obviously has some underlying issues.

    Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish we could all help more. Feel free to message me if you need an unbiased person in your life!
    • Reply
  • Bailey
    Super March 2019
    Bailey ·
    • Flag
    First of all I am so sorry you are going through this so close to what was supposed to be your wedding.

    Second, you need to RUN far away from this man and never speak to him or his family again. He is absolutely not the right person for you. You say he hasn’t done anything super bad, but he is emotionally/ physchologically abusing you, and that is BAD.

    You should be the bigger person, but by canceling the wedding, moving out, and not talking to him again. You have every right to be confused, heartbroken, and anything else you are feeling. Your life just got flipped upside down. But please, don’t stay in this relationship, because it will just get worse from here.
    • Reply
  • Summerbride77
    VIP July 2019
    Summerbride77 ·
    • Flag
    ”I know I am not perfect, but in my heart I do not feel that I deserved this.” that's 10000% you don’t deserve this. It's gonna hurt like hell, but to echo everyone else, it's time to leave him behind.
    • Reply
  • E
    Just Said Yes September 2018
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag
    You have every reason to be upset and confused. You don't deserve to be treated like that at all, I know you care deeply for him but you should leave and not go back.
    • Reply
  • Victoria
    VIP October 2018
    Victoria ·
    • Flag
    He's showing you his true colors and you most definitely deserve to know that before you get married. Finish packing and go.

    You have every right to be upset and confused, but once you work through it all you'll realize he wasn't the man for you. You are beautiful and I promise that you will find a man who treats you like you should be treated. I haven't gone through a breakup of an engagement, but I have gone through a long-term relationship breakup and it's not fun. Lean on your friends and family as much as you can and you'll find yourself feeling better in time. And drop this guy. He doesn't deserve you.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. H
    Master September 2019
    Mrs. H ·
    • Flag

    Gosh girl, my heart absolutely breaks for you...

    I am so sorry you've been on an emotional rollercoaster for so long. Two sides to the story or not, a lot of what you described is emotional and verbal abuse, and you deserve SO much better.

    I agree with PPs: as difficult as it is/will be, you need to find a way to distance yourself from him and this and move on.

    Best of luck to you, girl! Try and keep your chin up. Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • Tammy
    Super October 2018
    Tammy ·
    • Flag

    I am so sorry you are going thru this. And it's very difficult I'm sure but I agree with your family and PP that you need to get out of this situation it is not a good place to be.


    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner December 2018
    molly ·
    • Flag
    Run. Run away girl. He is doing you a big favor by showing you his true colors. Abusive men ( and this is emotional abuse) do not get better after marriage. They get more comfortable and worse. You felt backed into a corner sitting in a truck? Imagine married. Or worse, have several of his children that have to watch their mommy be treated like that. His transparency is GOOD. Because you know now before it is more complicated. RUN. Pray for his heart, and that whatever caused this ugliness for him to be healed of, and run!
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    If you’re looking for a sign to run, these comments are all that sign.

    He seems to be holding the wedding over your head as a way to manipulate you. It’s like a parent telling their child “no dessert if you don’t behave well today!” but instead of a cookie he’s threatening to take away his love and commitment to you! I don’t know much about him as a person obviously so I can’t speak for how he behaves normally, but THIS is incredibly manipulative, and THIS alone is a reason to get out NOW. If you wait for him to get home, he will probably convince you to stay. That’s what manipulative, controlling people do. They keep you wrapped around their finger, they keep you asking for more.

    You said it yourself, you are a strong person. And right now, the strongest thing you can do is walk away. Good luck and please stay safe!!!
    • Reply
  • JustKidding
    VIP April 2018
    JustKidding ·
    • Flag

    I stopped reading when he started putting you down. He is abusive. Run away. Far away and don't look back.

    • Reply
  • Btbride
    Super August 2019
    Btbride ·
    • Flag
    I didn’t even have to finish reading this to know he’s a worthless, abusive piece of garbage. He did you the biggest favor of your life by calling off the wedding. Run far, run fast, and cut him all the way out of your life.
    • Reply
  • Chrystal
    Super May 2019
    Chrystal ·
    • Flag
    I’m really sorry this happened to you but RUN far away. Your fiancé is a narcissist and he finally showed his true colors.
    • Reply
  • Amarriedmann
    Expert June 2019
    Amarriedmann ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this 100%!!! This is mental and emotional abuse - which CAN be precursors to physical. Even my hubby read your post and half way through, said “She needs to get out of there. I’ve never known a guy who behaved like this that did not get worse” Please consider the fact that your spouse should always be your biggest advocate and protector. This is established before you get married. Just like you can’t change your past, he can’t get brownie points for his. It doesn’t matter why he stopped giving you the princess treatment. It just matters that he’s now made himself into your source of anguish and pain. AND he’s gaslighting you about it. “If you have to convince someone that you’re the one, then they aren’t.”

    Be grateful that you have the support of your family, cling to them and get therapy. Read your post and think of how many times you backpedaled, made excuses for him and chastised yourself. These are clear signs that you are in an emotionally abusive situation. Would you do ANY of those things to him? Why is it ok the other way around? I’m sure he’s not all bad but if making you feel bad is the center of your interactions, you need to cut him loose. Daisha, I know you feel invested in this and you can’t get time back. BUT you also don’t want to waste another 5 yrs of your life only to come to the same conclusion. You are 25, that’s a WHOLE lot more life to live! “Don’t cling to a mistake only because you’ve spent a lot of time making it”

    Also, the huge mama’s boy issue will also plague your relationship - even IF you two went to counseling and worked things out (which is the only plausible stay-together method I see) The fact that he would call her, bash you and then set in motion her being hurtful and spiteful to you is CRUEL. It’s easy to see why he behaves this way - he has an ally who has probably endorsed bad behavior of his all his life. Please. Let them BOTH go. You don’t “deserve” this. I wish you the very best!!! Hugs 🤗
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Savvy June 2018
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    So sorry to hear about this. I hope you are taking each and every post into consideration. You really do need to stay as far away as possible from this man, but only you can control that. It will be extremely hard but he is showing his character now because there is no way he could have hid it! It’s great that you are seeing it before u take any vows because then it could get worse and you may feel “stuck”. Please get out while you can and realize that you deserve so much better!!!! It will be hard but every day it will get easier!
    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Dedicated April 2019
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    Honey, you need to leave him for good. Leave his house. Block his number. Dont go somewhere where he can find you. Tell all your friends and family to ghost him too. This is abuse. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to do what's best for you and that means leaving someone you love to be happy.
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Super July 2019
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag
    As every PP has said, this is emotional abuse. I know it's going to be hard, but you should leave him and never look back. There is no excuse for the behavior you have described. You deserve better.
    • Reply
  • Swtnss238
    VIP May 2019
    Swtnss238 ·
    • Flag
    SWEETHEART!!!! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!! Now im coming to u as an older wiser woman that has gone through plenty behind a man. He absolutely has done something bad enough to not only call off the wedding but to never speak to him again in life. This is NOT what a husband does. Yes this hurts but how much more will it hurt if u do marry him and bring Babies into this. Yes he is using the wedding as discipline, completely agree and the way u counter act that is TO NOT GIVE A GOOD GOSH DARN(was hard to keep that G rated). Baby Girl pack ur ISH and go be happy. Do u Honey!!! He needs to realize what it means to loose u. He needs to realize THAT U DONT NEED HIM, cause u don't. The fact that his Mother is on board with him treating u this way is appauling. Please please, understand, u r worth so much more than this.
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