fh & i have different ideas when it comes to inviting people

I wouldn't worry about numbers not being proportional. I have a way bigger extended family than my husband, so my guest list invite side was much bigger. We invited 225 and had 125 attend (lots were out of state and several couples came without their kids so we anticipated a lot of no's).

That was us when we started with our guest list. I got to 160 and he was only at 8 when it came to just close family members. I have a huge family and his is very small. We wanted a very intimate wedding so I only invited my immediate family, parents, grandparents, siblings and a couple cousins and aunts/uncles and excluded all friends. Since he had very little family, he invited all of his family plus all of his co-workers and friends. He was fine with just having his family and allowing me to have extra but that wasn't ok. It is his wedding too and he should have just as much support as me. We ended up with 65 wedding guests.

Have you started looking into your budget breakdown yet? Once I realized how much this would all cost, it was VERY easy for me to trim the guest list.
A wedding is not a family reunion or a diplomatic affair where you have to appease everyone. I'd start with asking yourself if you'd feel comfortable spending $100 on one specific guest and then decide if they're on or off the list.
Guest sides don't have to be proportionate, btw.Never invite people to the ceremony but not the reception. That'a telling someone, Thanks for coming, but you don't get to stick around for the rest of the party!

That's us too. One of my FH's side is not invited due to previous family issues. I haven't even met them. Everyone that I'm inviting is from out of town, and I'm sure they will not all come.

I'm sure your FH would not want you to match his numbers. It's his decision to only invite so many people, just like it's your decision to invite your family. I would sit down with your parents and go through everyone in your family that SHOULD be invited, take a look at the numbers, go over it with your FH, and if there's room to invite more then do it! If not, don't sweat it. You're inviting the people that should be there. And just remember the people that are meant to be there will be there.

Our numbers are also very lopsided. I come from a large family (both parents are one of 5) and our guest list is 70% me. That being said, I would just have a conversation with your FH about what he thinks. It shouldn't need to be even, but I will say for us, it's influenced who gets cut. He only has 35 in his family total while mine could easily be over 120. If we have to decide to cut people, it's my side that gets the trim.

You'll find a way to work it out. If you both are paying for it, it makes it easier. But it doesn't mean your parents or his parents won't try to influence the decision. I was semi guilted by my mom to invite some of my cousins that I haven't talked to in forever just to keep family peace. Now if they all come, it will put us over the limit for one tent at our venue. The difference is a few thousand dollars. I wish I had stuck to my guns and only invited people I actually wanted to be there. It would have saved me from the stress I'm feeling right now.

For us, it was important to think of everyone as “our guests” and not hers or mine. No one came to our wedding just to see one of us, they all came to support us both in making this big step. You’re also right that it would be extremely rude to invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception.

We were in such a similar situation! Overall, the two of us have big extended families, but I was feeling a little self conscious when it came to friends...aside from his groomsmen and their SO's, he only had about 5 people he wanted to invite, where I had maybe 30+ including spouses! My husband didn't seem bothered by it at all! I think the best thing to do is put together a complete guest list, and then see where the numbers fall. We ended up inviting about 160-170 people and had 110-115 attend! The way we broke it down was dedicate 50 invites to my parents, 50 to his parents, and 50 for us/our friends. We worked with our parents when considering extended family members and this gave them the leeway to invite a few of their friends as well!

I agree with your statement that it may confuse guests to only be invited to the ceremony and not reception if they are on the same day and/or in the same location...this may be incorrect on my part but typically when I get a wedding invitation I assume it is both the ceremony and reception.

I also have a large family (both parents have 3 siblings), and my fiance has no extended family (mother was an only child, father isn't in touch with his siblings), so we're off-balanced as well. I'm inviting all of my aunts and uncles, but I'm not inviting any cousins who haven't been a part of my life. My family is very spread out, so a lot of my extended family can't come regardless of the invite, so that's leaving more room for friends. (We invited 115 people and ended up having to increase the invite list because we want around 90 people and a lot of people said they couldn't come after we sent out save the dates).

I don't have a lot of friends, so most of the friends who are getting invited are friends of the both of us, which helps to even out the numbers.

Don't feel guilty about not inviting family members who aren't a part of your life, especially if it means you have to leave out people who are an active part of your life.

At the end of the day, this is two families coming together, so your family will become his family and vice versa. If they are an important part of your life, they are going to become an important part of his life as well.

My FH and I both come from larger extended families. But because we both have different issues within our families some of the guest list was cut down. For instance my dad is the youngest of 6, but he doesn't speak with 1 of his brothers and 1 of his sisters so they aren't invited. I don't even think they know I'm engaged. My FH has it where he is inviting his grandpa from his mom's side and a cousin from his mom's side; but that's it because after his mom passed away that side of the family has little to do with my FH or his sister. FH and I also have close knit circles of friends where most of our friends are in our wedding parties. I'm also inviting all my co-workers but he is inviting none of his.

I wouldn't worry about it. My family is bigger than my fiance's and I can't leave any of them out. They are all aunts, uncles, first cousins, and grandparents; all people who need to be there. I also have more close friends than my fiance. So, my friend list is even larger than his. Our wedding is somewhat small as well. 150.

My family is huge (over 200) and his family is small(11).


We invited all 11 of his and then 100 of mine. Just because our venue has a 150 limit and had close friends we wanted to be there.
I didn’t invite all of my family. I invited my great grandmas on both sides, all of their kids in both sides(so grandparents siblings and their kids), aunts/uncles and immediate cousins.

This is the same for me and my FH, he's from a ginormous family and I'm from a petite one. We plan to weed some of his out by excluding kids who make up about half his count.

I wouldn't worry. I don't. My husband's family is huge and tight and I'm from another country and though I have lived here for 11 years I'll only have my parents, my godmother, and 2 closest friends and their spouses. Whereas my husband will be at over 50. I know my parents are always overwhelmed cuz of the language barrier and also his fam is a large Italian one so u can imagine how loud it is.... Lol but I love every single thing about it

I love this thread, and thank you so much for starting this discussion. Believe it or not, both fiance and I have huge families but you wouldn't think it by looking at our guest list. We invited 128 guests and out of that number, only 20 are his fam or friends. It was bothering him a lot at first. The reason why it's this way is because a lot of his family members are extremely toxic. I conveyed to him that my family isn't coming only for me. They are coming to support us as a unit. Sometimes, he wishes we had a smaller, much more intimate event. I don't blame him to be honest, but at the same time he knows I tried to trim my guest list a lot. It would have hurt a lot of my family members to be left out. We compromised as much as possible. My family completely overtakes the list by over 100 people. It's crazy. But honestly, it is what it is. We didn't want it to be this way but we did expect it to be. It's not our job to try to fix people's issues with one another, or bring family together as our wedding isn't a reunion. His toxic fam are going to have to live and deal with missing their first nephew getting married. That's on them. I would say don't worry but try to compromise and see if you both can think of a fair solution in this matter. You could possibly take out family members that you don't speak to often but.. is that what you really want to do? Would your fiance feel good about you doing that? It's all about communication. I really hope everything works out for you.

Im in the same boat. I have a small family-i am inviting 30 family members. Fh has a large family with alot divorced people who are remarried and have new spouses and step kids. Our guest list is 160, we are hoping that we have about 130-140

I'd only worry about numbers not being proportional if it bothers you or him, or if your families are contributing in ways that don't seem fair with the numbers being so different.

My family is really small and I would feel super overwhelmed if the person I was marrying wanted to invite their big, extended family, especially if doing so meant that we were spending a lot more than I wanted or needed to have a bigger or different venue or ceremony than what I wanted. Perhaps you should think about what type of event you want to have and then which guests would most contribute to that event. Also, if you explain to your family members why you are having a smaller wedding and that you can't invite everyone, they'll likely understand.

Thank you all for your words!! You've all been so helpful!