Family Issues Right Before Wedding

I'm sorry you have to deal with this so close to the big day! It sounds as if she is almost mad that you didn't make a scene and tell her how much you needed her! I can't really say I know how you feel, but I I'm definitely sympathizing with you! Since you said she is somewhat of a narcissist, I think you moving closer after the wedding is over may bring some issues. The wedding isn't about her, your newlywed life won't be about her either, so she may feel like it's still not about her. I truly hope everything works out for you!!

So this is classic narcissistic emotional manipulation and abuse. She might be feeling guilty and embarrassed but her actions of yelling at you are a manipulation into making YOU feel like it's your fault and you're the bad guy. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY! I repeat, YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY.

I personally don't think it's worth relocation closer to someone who you now know will be emotionally abusive and manipulative for the rest of their life. She's a narcissist, that's what they do.

I personally am not experience this, but one of my best friends was in a relationship with a guy who was a narcissist. And it takes a loooong time to catch the red flags, but once you do, it's apparent emotional abuse and manipulation. All the subtle and not so subtle digs and arguments snowball into a living burning hellhole that can feel like an impossible feat to get out from.

I would highly suggest getting some personal counseling or therapy for you to help deal with your mother's actions. How to respond, how to build barriers, and rules, and how to extract yourself from situations that aren't comfortable. And to help you recognize her behavior for exactly what it is, emotional abuse. She's not "fragile and defensive" she's a narcissist.

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It's tough because my dad was an abuser, and my ex partner was an abuser, so I sympathize for her past trauma. I guess I expect someone who had previously been abused to not have those qualities, too. I need to set boundaries, I really do, and I really need to go back to therapy. I've discussed her a lot in previous therapy sessions, but my issues were always focused on the men who caused me harm. It's hard to lump her into that category too.

Thank you so much for your words. It's always really good to get out of my own head and the guilt that I experience to see that my feelings are valid and I'm not just a monster.

Is your mom the only reason you would be moving? If so, don't move!

I second counseling for you. Please, also read the book Boundaries. It will help, I promise. I'm so sorry that your mom is this type of person. Ultimately, you might need to cut her out of your life or have minimal contact with her. She's abusive and that's never OK.

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It's a combination of her, and my grandmother, and all of my family lives there. But throughout all of this I'm remembering exactly why I left at 17 and haven't had any thoughts or regret about moving back. I thought that maybe we were all in a good enough spot that we could reunite, but unfortunately old habit don't seem to have changed. It breaks my heart to come to terms with the possibility that my family will never be "normal" and I have to keep the distance.

Oh honey! I'm so sorry! But I get it! Am going through something a bit similar. My fiance and I are also getting married in about 3.5 weeks (May 6). I'm in my 40s, don't have parents anymore so my oldest son (27) and my only grandchild were going to walk me down the aisle. This was one of the highlights for me. Unfortunately, some drama happened a couple weeks ago between his wife and my 14 year old son, see Emma's up stopped to go along with what actually happened making me somehow look to be the problem in this (I was out to dinner when everything took place), and she turned my son against me and all the of them took off to Arizona, no longer even entertaining the idea of being at the wedding. I'm beyond broken!!! Though it had nothing to do with getting things paid for, it had everything to do with integrity of a family member. I hope you get everything figured out, doll. And if you really don't see it wise to relocate don't! My son and his family lived with me for free the last three months, too total advantage and now, somehow I'm barred from my grandson. Being around negative, ungrateful people is definitely not ideal, regardless of who they are, in my opinion. Congrats on your wedding! Focus on that, yourself, and that man of yours. It'll be tough, but you're gonna have a wonderful day!

My mother is sort of like this in some things. She would never call me a monster, but she is the only person on the planet that can throw me into a blind rage and full-on panic attack because of how she behaves. So I get it. And I agree with COWS (I may have giggled a little at your name I love it). What she's doing is emotional abuse. She's not "fragile" she wants everything to be about her and doesn't like when that's not the case- and that's not okay to you.

I am not a confrontational person, but I've had to confront my own mother and stand my ground during this process a few times and I actually HAVE seen some results.

I would get her in person, somewhere public, and tell her that how she's treating you is not okay. You didn't expect her to pay, so when she backed out you understood. It's more than generous that she paid for your dress and you're appreciative, but that doesn't excuse the way she's speaking to you. And if she wants to stay the "f out of fing everything" maybe you'll find someone else to walk you down the aisle- or walk alone.

I understand how hard this is. It's especially hard when someone is emotionally abusive and manipulative because you feel guilty as all heck and that's exactly what they want. Stand your ground, understand this is YOUR wedding and you are doing what you want. Even if it was a big huge thing, it's not her place to judge you for it. You do this once and you do it the way you want to.

Please don't let her ruin your day, OP. And we are always here to help!

And that's supposed to stay she made up stories to go along with what actually happened ... Lol. Sorry

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Dont do it, do not move! It sounds like we have the same mom, but she is still married to my dad and my dad just stays out of it, thus she thinks she's right about everything. My shower is next week and all of a sudden she wants to be lovey dovey after cussing me out because I wouldn't allow her to make the wedding or any prior event about my sisters 22nd bday (the day AFTER) the wedding. She wants a cake, birthday song, speech, in her honor. I told her absolutely not. She engaged my fiancé in this drama and he politely told her no, and she went off. More than anything I am dissapointed/hurt that she would try to get between me and my FI, but there is no reasoning with her so I just need to get through this, as I refuse to discuss anything with her. She will at this point, just be a guest at the wedding she has no clue what the dress to the flowers to the venue looks like, and I'm not sharing.

Protect your heart girl!

So I had something similar happen with my sister a few months back. FH and I were signing for our house we bought and she just ripped into me just before I was supposed to go sign. I had asked her to be my BM a few times (once over the phone, once in person, once via text) and she denied it all three times. Fast forward a couple months and she texted me saying she was upset I never asked her to be a BM, so I gather some screenshots from my mom and sister in law (brothers wife) of them agreeing I did ask her (they were there) and she said no and my sister LOST IT on me. She said she wasn’t going to the wedding, threw anything and everything she thought would hurt me in my face, told me never to speak to her or her daughter again. And she shunned me for MONTHS. Wouldn’t return my calls/texts, blocked me on all social media- and for what? I made sure I didn’t put her down in any way, even though I could’ve and she was surely not worried about not putting me down. I maintained the upmost respect about her decisions and it made her 10x more mad. She was mad that I wasn’t getting mad or worked up. It was Unbelievable! It was only about a month ago that she finally talked to me and I didn’t say a word about what happened. I just welcomed her with open arms..

Here is what I learned during this time frame-

1. weddings bring out the best in some people, and the absolute worst in others. You don’t get to chose how others treat you and it is not always fair how or why they decide to treat you that way.
2. There’s a lot that goes on in other people’s lives while we, as brides, are “busy wedding planning” and it’s not always communicated to us. It’s not our fault that we don’t know but at the same time, the people who are blowing up are often triggered by something- even if it’s NOT something you did. For some, it’s just their nature to start drama and it’s unfortunate but when you’re life is going good, people will try to bring you down. But sometimes they don’t even realize that about themselves.
3. You basically have two choices, fight back or let it go and welcome her, grudge free, if/when she reaches out to you. I could’ve unloaded months worth of hurt on my sister when she texted me for the first time, I could’ve kept it all up made her feel how she made me feel but the truth is, I want my sister to be there on my big day. That means more to me than anything and if you feel the same about your mom then you might need to sweep this under the rug until after your big day.

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FH and I went through couples counseling a few months ago because we have a lot of pressure and stuff to deal with from our families, and we wanted to enter our marriage with the confidence that we can communicate and handle the stress that we can't control. We also learned that we are 100% responsible for our feelings, and that we need to express how we feel instead of shame and blame others. So, I've been practicing that relentlessly because name calling doesn't get anybody anywhere, and often just leaves me feeling guilty and unfulfilled. So I don't do it. I could very easily use name calling with my mom, like you could with your sister, and sometimes I really really want to. Then I'm thankful for a supportive FH and friends, and this community because I need a safe place to discuss my feelings.

Wedding really do bring out the worst or the best. It's hard to see those sides of people. I try to stay sensitive and not demanding, and check-in with my close ones probably more than I should for my own mental health. I'm trying not to be codependent, and really trying to set boundaries.

I'm definitely going to brush this under the rug until the wedding, but I don't know if she's going to shun me and not even come, or if she's just going to pretend like it never happened. Either way, I'm just going to try and let the day go by without any drama, and hopefully between now and then she can calm down and not turn this into something that she'll regret.

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I totally understand the initial ingrained reaction to sympathize with her. However, she's no longer in an abusive relationship, and it does not excuse her actions towards you. It's hard because it's your own mother. This person that is supposed to be loving, caring, supportive and nurturing, and she's basically acting like the complete opposite, and it's easy to make excuses for her. Don't make excuses for her, she's a grown up just like you, her actions are her own, and you are NOT a monster.

I am so sorry! Please do not let it get to you. I am still 6 months away from mine and I am having the opposite problem as you. My mother keeps telling everyone EVERYTHING about my wedding. She is even telling people wrong information. She is also getting mad at me because I do not want to do what she wants. I am going through the same money situation. She keeps telling me she will pay for things on top of the $5K she already promised and I not seen anything. Take a deep breath. I think weddings stress moms out as much as brides.

I just came across this post and wanted to say thank you to everyone who gave advice and empathy towards Alice. This is so much like what I’ve been going through. And I know I’m really really late on this thread but these comments are incredibly helpful still so thank you all.