Family Drama - Stressing out

When I talk to my sister I see that this is her choice and I want her to be happy and I support and love her. When I talk to my mom (My family is strong catholic), she thinks my sister is making a decision based on the people she hangs out with and that she may regret this later in life when its too late. I had a phone call with my mom yesterday and my mom was upset about it and flat out asked me to pray that my sister stops, or God puts a roadblock in her life. Obviously I can't control my sister or my parents, but the way they are handling everything is to talk to me and not each other. I want my family to stay together, but they are also putting me in the middle of this and not talking to each other. A very selfish part of me wishes she was brave enough to come out, or she would have waited to transition, and that causes alot of guilt (Please don't comment about this, I know its a selfish thought, but its also hurtful to anticipate a huge drama scene at my wedding). So, in the middle of a holiday season that is looking to be stressful and dramatic, I am at a huge loss.

A wedding is of such minimal importance compared to the transition of genders based on how someone feels inside. One is a party the other is a life change that they KNOW their parents don't support. You need to be there for your sister.

Please support your sister. Your wedding is minor compared to this for her. I would encourage you to help try to make your parents more accepting.

I don't think it's selfish that you wish she would come out or that she had waited. This is a tough situation and there are a lot of emotions to deal with. ACTING on those wishes would make you selfish. But just because you think them, but still support your sister, says you are experiencing normal emotions and acting like a not-selfish adult.

As hard as it is, you may need to tell you parents that you'd rather not talk about it. Kinda like when my parents divorced. I was older, thankfully, and told both parents flat-out: You can say what you want about Mom/Dad to your friends when I'm not here. Otherwise, unless it's nice, don't talk about him/her when I'm here.

You can always be there for support and to listen, but if they try to put you in the middle, for your sake, you need to put your foot down. For their sake, too. How can they ever expect to come to terms with your sister's choice and continue a relationship with her (I assume she still uses "her", yes? Sorry if I'm wrong!) without a mediator because they placed you in the middle.

No, I would simply tell them that "I support my sister and love her no matter what. And I love and support my parents no matter what. But I cannot and will not be placed in the middle. This is something you need to figure out between yourselves."

And pity on the fool who tries to start something at my wedding over it! Or even out of it! It's not hurting their life, so let her live as she wishes. I'd make sure they knew I had better things to do than worry about something that wasn't causing harm to my sister or anyone around her.

It's clear that your sister is doing what is right for her and she had to attend counseling before starting hormones. I'm sorry your parents are having a hard time. I'm sure that your sister feels she doesn't have support. I can also see how you feel stuck in the middle. Everyone will need to adjust. I hope for you and your FH this will not cause an issue at your wedding.

You need to first and foremost be there for your sibling, who you need to use the correct pronouns for. He is a man.

Second, try to help your parents understand. And you should also be your siblings advocate at this difficult time for them. Can you imagine making such an announcement and then your parents judge you? Put yourself in his shoes.

With that being said, your wedding is important, but not nearly as important as a literal life changing, gender changing moment. Be fully supportive and don't draw attention to him at your wedding because of his transition. Make it a normal thing.

@Kylee, are you strong in your faith/religion? If you are, go to God and ask for peace and guidance.

I don't understand this because I've never been in this situation, but I can only imagine the stress that you must be under - as well as your sibling and your parents. It is tough for all of them. It might be very helpful for all of you to attend support groups as you all learn how to deal with and process what's going on. It could also be helpful for you to put up the boundaries with your parents - it's not your job to take on what they're asking you to take on. Be firm yet loving with them. You clearly care about them, but if they need to talk directly to your sibling or to a counselor. You don't need to be the go-between for them.

As you all start to work through all of this, you'll have time to process and deal with how it might affect your wedding. Is your wedding top priority? No, certainly not. But I understand that this transition will affect things, so once y'all have had more time to process everything, you guys can work together to see what needs to change.

I'll throw my hat in the ring. I had a friend recently come out as trans and she waited until after my wedding to tell me and start hormone therapy. It killed me that she felt the need to keep herself closeted even longer. When she told me, I used her correct pronouns and lent an ear when she needs it.

I think you need to look at this from a different perspective. It is not a phase and by stating that shows you are not someone your brother can trust. It is certainly an adjustment, you will mess up pronouns, but this is not about you. Statistically trans people are more likely to attempt suicide or be hurt by a transphobic person. What your brother needs support, he will guide you through his transition. This is not family drama, this is your brother's life.

I recommend you start educating yourself. Here is a helpful book: https://www.amazon.com/Warrior-Princess-Journey-Coming-Transgender-ebook/dp/B00D5CXCLY

GLAAD is also a great resource. https://www.glaad.org/

ETA: This week is actually Trans Awareness Week. I hope you can come around and stop calling him by the wrong pronouns.

Piggybacking on PP's, consciously using incorrect pro-nouns is incredibly rude and hurtful to trans people. So start by using he and him when referring to your sibling. You can't control your parents feelings and reactions towards this situation, but as someone in the LGBT community I can tell you that this is harder and more stressful than probably anything you have ever experienced. Don't worry about how this is affecting your wedding, worry about your siblings well being. Countless transgender people commit suicide daily. Be someone that helps your sibling to know that he is worthy of life and love so that he is able to live his truth.

I agree, she didn't decide shes transgender. Please support her in any way you can. This is much bigger deal than a party.

Just wanted to say OPs sibling might still go by sister even if they start using male pronouns. My friend's father transitioned and she still calls her Dad even though she uses female pronouns.

Aside from that, talk to your sibling about their experiences and what they are going through. Ask what you can do to help or to further understand the process. But also tell both parties that you don't want to be put in the middle.

I disagree with many of the PPs... We always talk about self-care, and OP this may be a great time to go to a therapist to help you understand your own feelings. There is nothing selfish about being confused and upset about a major transition in your life (yes, your sibling's transition is bigger and more confusing, but that doesn't negate your own feelings). And there isn't anything inherently selfish in being concerned about how it will affect your wedding day. And even if your parents come around to the idea by then, other family members will probably be confused and it will become a highlight of your wedding.

Definitely you should support your sibling, but you are allowed to have your own emotions regarding this transition, and you may want to change your wedding plans based on it. I'm not sure how far along in the wedding planning stages you are at this point, but eloping may be a good option for you, or having a smaller wedding than you originally envisioned (only inviting the people that are closest to you that you know will love and support your brother and you). Also, your wedding is in a year, so by that time, a lot of the novelty of it will hopefully have worn off, and the shock impact will be less. So give yourself sometime before making any big decisions.

And I say again, go talk to a counselor to help guide you in dealing with your own emotions and help you with interacting with your brother in a new way, and in dealing with and supporting your parents. I have a few trans friends, and after awhile I've forgotten that I had ever known them as a different gender, because the gender they are now is real and authentic.

Good luck OP.

Do we know that their sibling asked to use male pronouns? I had a friend come out and did not want to change pronouns right away. it's wonderful you're all so supportive, but it may not be black and white for the person transitioning. My sister is agender. They prefer they/them/their pronouns, but they are still my sister by choice (parents daughter, niece etc). Caitlin Jenner is still called Dad by her kids. You cannot make the rules for the person transitioning.

Recommend your parents seek therapy. Your sister didn't "decide" to be trans. That's not how this works.

I appreciate the difficulty of being in the middle. But your sibling needs your support. In dealing with your parents, I would tell them I was unwilling to listen to their complaints about it anymore. "If you want to talk to someone about how you feel about all of this, I recommend a professional therapist/support group. But you are putting ME in a position I am uncomfortable with, and i need you to stop. I have enough on my plate with my upcoming wedding"

I apoligize to everyone for the wrong pronouns. My "brother" as I have it, hasn't quite decided how to be referred to yet, as he hasn't settled on a name. As far as being supportive, I did let him know that I was here for him, we have had many many discussions about all of this, and I did ask he be patient with me, as I may slip up now and then and use the wrong pronouns. Also, please don't get the wrong idea from my original post. My anxiety isn't that my brother is becoming the person that he was meant to be. My struggle is just that he is having such a hard time coming around to my parents, and that also my parents are trying so hard to keep it under wraps.

I know he is struggling with the idea that mom is really pressuring him to not put anything on social media, but at the same time he wants to announce. He is seeing a counselor right now, as well as a doctor who is guiding him through the process of transition. When it comes to praying for my brother, I encourage him (and myself to pray for peace and guidance).

The hurtful drama that I am anticipating is that somebody may choose to single out my brother and make mean/rude or hurtful comments to him when this is not the time of the place. My FH's family is aware of everything that is going on with him and are SO super supportive of everything. I just wish my parents were able to come around and not treat it the way they do. My mom has made comments that she believes my "sister" (her words) Is dead and they don't have an opportunity to mourn her. I find this so hurtful and cruel to him, and I know why he is having such a hard time coming out. I know so many of his friends and our family will be more supportive but at the same time, I know my mom doesn't want people coming to her to gossip about him instead of going to him when they don't care about his life, they just want to know.

My wedding to me has never been about having a "party". It is a celebration of love, and of our love of life. I know he is so worried about this, and I am worried because I don't think this should be a concern of his. He has so much more to worry about then if he is ruining a day or not. My relationship with my siblings means more to me, and my whole attitude about life, is that stuff/days, and things are replaceable people are not.

This is a huge emotional change for all of us in our family, and my family's negativity, cruelness, and rudeness is making it harder than it has to be for all of us. I appreciate everybody's feedback and comments. And if anybody has suggestions about support groups I am all for it.

"The hurtful drama that I am anticipating is that somebody may choose to single out my brother and make mean/rude or hurtful comments to him when this is not the time of the place." This comment hit me. It is great that you dont want your sibling to be singled out, but there is NEVER a "time/place" for that. I dont deal with bigotry from anyone, not even my family. I would straight up tell my parents that if they cant be respectful at my wedding they arent welcome.

To all the people dogging on you for not using the right pronouns, remember that it takes TIME to get into the swing of totally changing everything you know about your sister now brother. I went through a similar situation, but it was my cousin who was very close to me. So as far as this pronoun situation, explain to your now brother that you are very sorry if you use the wrong pronouns, its just an adjustment. As far as your wedding I do understand the concern. Unfortunately family complications tend to come out when they all get together and your wedding might be the first time some of your family is seeing your sister as your brother. I do not think it's a selfish thing to think by any means, it just means you care enough to want everybody to accept and love your brother and want everybody happy celebrating your special day.

@OP my dad has transitioned, and it has taken me a long time to everything (pronouns, explanations, etc) right. It won't happen right away.

Also, I get the wedding stress. Every step of the wedding planning process has been a less than smooth trying to explain everything (to needing an extra room to get ready and how my dad would like get eyelashes, etc).

My mom still struggles with everything with my dad and makes so many conversations awkward. She accepts but will always resent. Others in my family are so unaccepting. Family gatherings require extra patience to make sure no one gets into a fight or leaves.

What I am trying to say is that life may always be this stressful, and you just need to be ready to handle it. I'm beyond grateful for my FH for his respect of my father. Just remember that you love that person no matter what!!

@ashleyB - I agree there is NEVER a place for biogotry or bullying but since he hasn't came out yet and this will be the first time seeing a lot of people and family members since starting his transition, that will be the time or place that some people choose. I cannot announce it for him. That is not my job but woe to the f$!:&;er that decides to start something.