Family Drama - Stressing out

@amandaB I get it!! Even in being supportive I've said one thing for the last 25 years. I don't want to slip up but I can't promise I won't.

Thank you so much for all the positive comments. It means a lot to me.

It is unfair for your family to put you in the middle. And you have every right to shut that down. Tell your brother that while you are there to support him, you are not there to mediate his relationship with your parents. Tell your parents the same thing. Give them some resources for families of trans people and suggest they go to therapy to work through everything but stop being a sounding board for them. If either of them try to talk to you about the relationship, tell them that you love and support them but for your own mental health you cannot be in the middle anymore.

Sending you more hugs OP. Planning a wedding is stressful without trying to navigate this level of family drama, I can't imagine the stress of planning a wedding and dealing with this all at the same time. Sending you hugs for compassion, strength, and guidance!

One day, 18 years ago, I called my mother and told her I was in love with a woman. She yelled, cried, screamed, and threatened to pull me out of college and send me out of the country. We hung up and she called my younger sister to ask if she knew.

You know what my sister did? She hung up on my mother and called me immediately to ask if I was okay. She was nothing but supportive and never worried about what it was doing to my parents because my parents were wrong.

Your parents are wrong, just like mine were. My mother swore it was a phase, that I'd grow out of it, that it was just college and nothing more. She couldn't have been more wrong. She even kept it from my father and told me that if my father ever found out, he'd have a heart attack and die and it would be all my fault. After her reaction, I was too ashamed to tell my friends so I went through school telling people about my "boyfriend" and only my sister knew the truth.

Your sister needs you. This is a make-or-break moment. She is telling you that she is not comfortable in her own skin, that she is not who she was born to be, and that she is willing to take scary ass hormones and have multiple risky surgeries just so, for the first time in her life, she can feel good about herself and feel normal. Show her that you love her unconditionally and will support her and support what's right. Show her that you won't turn your back on her when the rest of the world threatens to. She needs to hear it and know it.

That girl I fell in love with 18 years ago? We finally got married this year. My sister was my maid of honor. My parents walked me down the aisle and my father recorded my ceremony on his cell phone.

You aren't being SELFISH you are having normal feelings that anyone on this site would be having. (Although being on this site tends to make one perfect). No one wants drama at their wedding and anyone on here that says different or that they would feel differently is a Liar. Saying that HIS change is anymore important that your wedding is also not true. Each person has things that are important to them and are a priority. Right now be there for your entire family and keep planning your dream wedding.

MsMay you may want to refrain from calling us liars just because we'd have a different reaction than you obviously would. Some of us have been there, done that, and we know quite well how we'd react to someone going through the incredibly painful experience the OP's sister is going through. Check your assumptions at the door. Please and thank you.

Please support your sibling. Don't just try, please do. And stand up for her in front of your parents, because she needs to know someone is on her side. She is very brave to go through something like this!

I am trying so hard to be supportive. After I posted this I let him know that I was hurt and angry that my parents were treating him like this. At the heart of all my anxiety and hurt I think the worst part is that at the end of the day my parents are convinced it's a phase or whatever they are thinking. I am here for him. If all the rest of my family walks out the door I will still be here at the end of it ready to stand up to whoever. I wish I could say I could throw my wedding out the backdoor of my thoughts and know everything will be perfect and happy. I also wish I could say that some small part of me hopes everything goes okay. But I am human and I am selfish. Life is not perfect. It's hard, it's ugly and it's messy. To all the positive posts and support it means so much to me and that's what I was looking for.

@elizabeth, I hope I can be half the supportive sister that yours was for you. Parents are not always right and it takes a lot to be able to walk away from them when they are wrong.

This is not exactly the same situation but the support is real. My sister came our as a lesbian when she was around 15 to her friends. She didn't want to tell the family because both mother and fathers side are both super religious. Also a cousin of ours came out that he was gay and the family practically disowned him. When I heard about it i called him, even though we were close and I told him, I'm here for you. This family sucks donkey balls and will be dicks. When my sister finally told me, my reaction was, "And? I don't care if you live aliens as long as you are happy and they treat you right I don't care who you love!" I had to be there for her because she is my sister. Our father tried calling me to vent about my sister and "her way of life and I told him I support her and if you don't agree that s your problem and hung up on him. Thus man actually had the nerve to call my mother (my sister and I have different mothers) and try to vent to her and her reaction was, " she's your daughter, one of two that you have. You already messes you the relationship you have with your older daughter (me) are you talking going to mess this one up too Just because she is not 'll ing the way you think she should be living?" He then spews some crap about how it's not the way God intended and my mother cut him off and said but it still happened and thus is who she is if you can't accept her then leave me alone. She hung up on him too. Needless to say her mother was not accepting either, so now the only family my sister had was me and our cousin. I have her back 100%. Because I was so supportive against our family and others I was the one who had the honor of walking her down the aisle three years ago, to her awesome wife. Your support is so important to your siblings process. You need to be there and be prepared for the possibility that your parents will not be accepting and that you may no longer have a relationship with your parents. I have not spoken to my father for almost 4 years now as the day he did not show up to my sister's wedding was the last straw for me. Yes, be positive, I always love positivity but you need to be ready for the possibility that your parents will not be able to accept your brother for who he is. OP I hope everything works out for you and your brother and that you all can have a Great loving relationship.

It is sad that when some people reply to OP they say wedding is a "party". Dang, OP never said she wanted to focus on partying. Marriage is a big commitment. The ceremony is obviously important than a party. Don't cheapen marriage to a party in your posts. That's all.

I can't imagine the stress of coming out to family and then not having them be supportive. Your brother needs you now more than ever. Focus on being there for him and supportive. Ask what he needs and what would help. Focus less on how this will effect your wedding.

I just want to add to what everyone has said that I do understand how you're feeling and do not think you should feel guilty for being upset. My impression is that you're concerned about your family not getting along in general, not just at your wedding. It sounds like you're in the middle of being support for your sibling and listening to your parents complaints and frustration. That's a tough situation to be in. Have you tried talking with your parents about how their reaction is making you feel? I know it sounds so simple but I just recommend talking through this with them so they may consider how their feelings are affecting both their children.

So basically you are the go between because they all have opinions on how the other is feeling but doesn't want to talk or isn't brave enough to talk to each other at the moment.

Looks like you're going to have to set up an intervention. Get everyone together and have a good ole fashion family meeting and lay all the cards on the table. You both live far away but its going to have to happen.

You're not being selfish. You're human. Weddings are stressful enough and for this to happen is a bunch of added stress.

At some point they are going to have to talk to each other and at some point even though its killing your parents (understandably) they have to realize that they can't control your sister and let her live the way she believes she should.

Your job is to love them all unconditionally.

Good luck

@Alana is right. It may just be that you have to force a conversation.

People fear what they do not understand. Simple.

While I do have many gay and lesbian friends, I do not have a trans friend. And if I did, the first thing I would want to do, besides hug them, is to talk. I have no clue at what point someone wants to change pronouns. Is it after they "come out"? Is it after he or she changed her name? (And really, that is all the decision of the person transitioning.) I don't think it's rude to ask these questions. It shows you care enough to want that person to be comfortable. And contrary to the people on both sides of the political rift dividing our country (just read the comment section on any news article), most people aren't "easily triggered, politically correct snowflakes on a warpath." Your sister/brother isn't going to freak out if you call him a her or vice versa, depending on what pronoun is chosen. You are human. If he/him/his is the chosen pronoun, you've grow up using her and sister. So if you say "hey sis" three years from now, it's ok. You didn't mean it to be hurtful, and it won't be perceived as such.

So maybe you getting it all out there, talking about the uncomfortable stuff, will help your parents. Because again, fear and lack of understanding is most often the root cause of bigotry and hate. The more they know, the easier it will be to accept it.

The reality of it all ia this. No one can say that her parents are wrong. No one say that her sister is wrong. Everyone is entitled to have the feelings that they wish to have. For those coming at the OP the wrong way saying that she is using the wrong pronoun and is rude and disrespectful for doing so....I disagree with you. I dont think the OP is incorrect its just what she's used to. Its hard to change when youre used to doing something a certain way for ever and a day.

OP be supportive of your family. Let them know they need to come to a happy medium and discuss it. And if they can't come to an agreement which should be live your life the way you see fit...then we may have to love from afar....

But to come hard at the OP for her thoughts and to go hard at the parents for their feelings is wrong.

One of my very good friends is trans & I absolutely love her. She's a normal person, she is who SHE IS. She will be at our wedding, & me being extremely protective of her, is ready to ask people to leave the wedding if they have an issue with it or are rude to her about it, no matter who they think they are. They are amazing people that deserve love & kindness. I'm not a big fighter, but you BET I will get violent if I have to if someone was being rude to my friend for being trans. The only thing I would be able to recommend is stand up to your parents, let them know that you won't tolerate any bigotry. I'm very nervous about people saying rude things to her at my wedding but I've never had a problem telling people what about things like this so I'm prepared. I hope your wedding is amazing & I hope your brother has an easy transition & an amazing life being who they really are, in the inside & out.

I'm with you Meghan (well, aside from getting violent). I am a very outspoken ally for the LGBTQA community and I would cut someone out of my life for saying anything derogatory to my friend.

OP, thanks for your update, sounds like you're stuck in the middle but I cannot emphasize reading up on trans language and how you can be a helpful supporter.