Excluded from wedding

How old are your children, and how old are the other children?

It really depends on the age of these other cousins whether I would say something.

It's really hard for people planning weddings to make decisions like this and I'm sure they didn't take it lightly. I'm assuming the other children invited are teenagers? If you are comparing your children to teenagers then I don't think you should say anything. It's different. However, if they are around the same age then yes that is odd.

What’s the age difference between your children and the older ones? My youngest cousin is 8 and is not invited to my wedding but all my other cousins, 16 and older, are. Even though the 16 year old is not an adult, an 8 year old and a 16-year old really differ in maturity level. Also, most children don’t enjoy weddings and as someone planning a wedding now, I’m not paying $36 for an 8 year old to eat (or not eat because they don’t like it.) Money is a very very valid reason to not invite someone to a wedding.

I agree with pp. Another thing I would like to add is that often just because someone is paying does not mean they are involved in any of the planning. Saying something to his parents will probably be pointless and just instigating. Maybe in a few months or so you can ask the bride and groom for their reasons and go from there but I wouldn't say anything right now.

My kids are 8 (almost 9), 12, and 14. The other cousins (who were invited) are 12, 15, and 16.

There will be 3 kids under the age of 6 coming because they are in the wedding. Beyond that, I don't know what other kids might be there, but clearly it's not a "no kids" wedding.

The 12 year old would have been the only member of her family not invited, so I suspect that had something to do with it. (Her sibling is 16). And the 15 year old also would have been the only member of her family not invited.

I get it, regarding the money, but as I said, the groom's parents are paying for the wedding and they are wealthy and truly, money is absolutely not a concern for them. My kids are not picky eaters - my 8 year old has a gourmet palate and literally will eat anything.

Respectfully, I don't necessarily agree that kids don't enjoy weddings. Some of my fondest memories at my own wedding were all my little nieces and nephews dancing (including the kid who grew up to be the groom at this upcoming wedding), my 9 year old nephew giving the best toast about our dog, and my 2 year old niece jumping into my arms after the ceremony because she was so overcome with joy.

My kids are handling the disappointment okay, but they would have absolutely loved to be part of this occasion. They adore weddings.

I guess my question to you all is, if this is a big family and everyone lives in the same town and all the cousins know each other well and money is no object and all the kids are well behaved and it's a destination wedding, etc. etc., then WHY exclude 1 family's kids? Why is it worth alienating and hurting one family over 3 seats?

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Personally, I wouldn't go...if it were me. Especially because it is a destination wedding. Beyond that though, I think you need to ask them that question, because maybe there is more to the decision than you are aware of. There are a lot of different factors that go into planning a wedding, and some decisions can be hard to make. BUT some of those decisions run the risk of people not being able to attend, like enforcing "no kids."

I wouldn't say anything. You're allowed to feel hurt but what are you hoping to accomplish by saying something after the fact? All you're going to do is cause unnecessary drama.

I really appreciate your advice. I'm trying to process this now so it's not weighing on my mind during the wedding and I can just relax and fully enjoy the wedding. I'm just trying to understand what would go into a decision like this because from my end, it just feels like they excluded us for no particular reason, and that hurts.

I mean how are defining kids? Are the other ones older than 16? If so people may count them as adults, the venue might have an age limit your kids don't meet. I think the situation is odd but overall would caution you against assuming they could afford the per plate cost and remind you of it's destination there's stricter rules on capacity count. Especially where this cousin doesn't have a strong relationship with your kids they likely figured they'd be bored at a wedding and didn't think anything else about not inviting them.
If you're prepared not to speak to this cousin again then go for the fight otherwise I'd just move on.

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Thanks Danielle. I strongly considered not going at all. In the end, I decided to go due to some travel logistics with another event. Also, when we booked everything, we thought it was really a "no kids" wedding. It was only a week before the wedding we learned that the rule was only being applied to our family. I don't want to cause inconvenience by cancelling last minute like this.

Sadly, the groom's parents (and the groom) were among those family members we were closer to, but now, after this, it changes how I view them and our relationship. I can't help but think they don't think our kids "matter" in the family. Seriously, this is very painful for me.

I intend to keep my feelings private (with only my husband), but it's still eating me up inside. Talking about it here is helping me to resolve it for myself, so hopefully it won't weigh so heavily on me at the wedding.

So seriously, please keep the advice coming. The more I hear that my perspective is not the same as everyone else's "Truth" the more I can come to grips with my emotions and can go to this wedding with an open heart. Thanks, everyone.

I know this isn’t fun for anyone but I am inviting some kids and then others not. Simply because I don’t want a bunch of children there and it does change the guest count. I wouldn’t take it personally as it’s not that serious. I also definitely wouldn’t ask why they weren’t invited. If someone asked me that I would tell them the truth and say I didn’t want them there because..... it’s not necessary drama and it also doesn’t change anything.

You can use it as a vacation and skip the wedding. I would probably not invite a wedding that my kids weren't invited to. I know everyone does it for their reason but weddings to me are family events and kids are an equal part of a family. If you really want to go there isn't any reason to say anything after because it won't change anything.

OP, did you ask if they could come originally? My cousin had a “no kids” wedding, but somehow there were 15 kids there because parents asked and the bride/groom caved and allowed it. It really could be that you were right in respecting their wishes but the other families didn’t.

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This is such a good point!

My cousins wedding is like this.She says it’s because they didn’t account for kids in their original guest list so that could be it in your situation too. Honestly idk how she forgot about everyone’s kids but whatever. Lol if it bugs you this much I wouldn’t wait until after the wedding to talk to someone about it. As much as you try seeing other kids there and not having yours there is going to put a damper on the whole thing I think. So I’d tell someone how you feel before. I’d also make sure your kids have the BEST day/night so they don’t feel like they’re missing anything. Like maybe the don’t go to the wedding but they get to go to a theme park or something super cool.

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True true. And maybe they wanted 16 and over but that other family obviously has younger kids so they might've thrown a fit and said the younger ones have to come too.

Depending on the destination, there may be a very strict head count. I know my friends wedding in Costa Rica was a hard stop at 25. Anyone over that would have been an insane "fine". If they had a strict max number due to the venue or whatever, they may have just tried to find the people who would care least if they there there - a.k.a. younger kids - vs. and aunt or older cousin who might have a better understanding of the event... I know I thought a wedding was a boring church thing followed by a big party after when I was young. I also don't think its fair to say money isn't an issue... just because her parents are well off and paying doesn't mean the bride and groom weren't given a budget to stick to. My parents are paying for my wedding as well and are very well off, but I still had a number I was given and out of respect for them and that this is money THEY worked hard for all their lives, I am not willing to spend that entire budget. IDK, I guess as a bride going through these decisions myself, sometimes its trying to make the best out of a crap situation. I would certainly hope none of my guests felt my decisions were made in malice and would hope to be given the benefit of the doubt. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% aware not all brides are sugar and gumdrops, but I typically like to believe most people just trying to do the best they can.

This is hurtful and I'm sorry. Sometimes the people making the rules just don't get it. They honestly could not be aware your family is singled out. They may change their mind once you're there. Have a great time as a family since this is only part of the trip.

I’d be hurt too, if my kids were the only ones not invited. This is why you invite in circles. If some cousins were invited, then they all should have been. If you really wanted to go there, when the bride and groom make their rounds, you could say you were surprised to see kids there as you were told it was kid free, and see what their response is. But keep it upbeat “I’m having such a wonderful time watching all the kids dancing and playing together, but I’m a bit surprised! Didn’t the invitation say kid free?” Or you could just let it go and enjoy the rest of your vacation with your kids. No matter what you choose to do, I don’t see how your relationship with the bride and groom will ever be the same without a valid reason from them.