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Jasmine
Master August 2021

Ever Demote or Have a Moh/bridesmaid Step Down??

Jasmine, on September 12, 2020 at 11:14 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 54

My best friend from high school is my MoH and is seriously giving me regret, for the longest time now. From the beginning, she's been the least communicative with looking for dresses or anything wedding related and when I would ask her for her help with anything, I'd ask her later how things are going or if she found anything and without a care, she'd say she forgot. Me and a couple of my girls went to a shop today and felt like we FINALLY found a dress. I showed my MoH to see if she can go and try it on at a location closer to her.

Without hesitation she said she didn't want to. She's pretty top heavy but after I explained about alterations and adding cups and at least asking the stylist if she'd be able to make it work, she still refused to at least try. She still hasn't been very helpful with what she thinks she might feel more comfortable in so I feel like I've just been wasting time. I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone ever demoted someone or had someone in their wedding party stand down?? If so, what was your reason and how did it end??

54 Comments

Latest activity by Jasmine, on September 16, 2020 at 3:14 AM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    I’m sorry she’s being difficult and uninterested. Hopefully one of you can find a dress that she will feel comfortable in!
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Yes I did and I'm no longer friends with the person. Since she is your maid of honor, couldn't she wear something else? As for helping you plan, she isn't responsible for planning your wedding as that it up to the bride and groom to handle unless someone offers to help.
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    Yea, hopefully Smiley amazing

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Could you just pick a color and let your girls pick out whatever dress they’re comfortable and within that color?
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    If you do decide to demote her or remove her from the wedding party, be warned that it may end your friendship with her. Are the dresses the only thing that she is being unresponsive about? Maybe have a conversation with her about it, and setup a time where just you and her look at dresses, either online or in a store, and pay attention to what she says she likes/dislikes about each dress. That might help narrow down dress options. Hopefully you'll be able to find something she is comfortable in!
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    I've been planning alone the entire time so that's not an issue. Anyway, I'm all for her wearing something else. The designer is apparently the issue with her requirements. I still want my girls to wear the same designer, similar style to make sure the dye dot is the same. I don't care for most of the other dresses the designer has and she wants sleeves which isn't normal at all in this line.

    I told her they could make a matching shawl to help with covering her shoulders but now her biggest thing is wearing a bra. Like I said, she refuses to even go in and try to see if there's anything they can do. If not, no big deal but since she doesn't want to even do that, now I'm back at square one.

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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    That's literally what I've been doing. If they end up liking the same dress, I'm not against it. My MoH is literally the only one having an issue. I personally don't care for the style of any of the other dresses in the designer's line. She said she wanted something that covers her shoulders and I told her she could get a shawl but now the biggest problem is her wearing a bra. Now, we'll just have to move on to a different designer cause none of the other dresses really allow for her to wear her own bra if that's what she's really trying to do.

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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Since she is larger chested, I can definitely understand why she wants to wear a bra. My mom and mother-in-law are both larger chested women so they wanted dresses for our wedding that they could wear a bra with. My mom is also very self-conscious about her arms so she needed a dress that would cover a good part of her arms as well. I would firmly tell her she needs to pick a dress that is designed by x designer. As long as she is in the right color and designer then the style shouldn't matter even if you don't love it you still want her to be comfortable. If she doesn't want to comply, then she can attend your wedding as a guest.
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    Yea, I figured that much. She's going to be here next weekend which will be more helpful. Like she's told me and I tried to find solutions but now it's this whole bra issue. The designer isn't real popular with wearing bras and she hasn't actually showed me many photos to help narrow it down so yea, having her here next weekend will definitely help. I just hate that all this time has passed cause she's in CA. She would come here to where I am and then never tell me until it comes up in conversation that she never comes to see me (when she said she would) and whenever I would ask her, she's always busy so I'm just like Smiley amazing

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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    Yes, that's pretty much how she is and I totally get it. I just hate that she hasn't really helped in narrowing anything that she likes (most likely cause she didn't look). Luckily, she'll be here next weekend and we can try to nip this in the bud. You're right though, if we can't come to an agreement, then I'll just have to put my foot down because time is coming up fast!

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Hmmmm... Maybe have an in person conversation about what is going on with the dress and her lack of response. Tell her you want to get the dress taken care of and work with her but you've noticed she doesn't seem to want to discuss it and ask if she's OK. I mean somehow I would move but firmly stress that you need her to make a decision and place an order soon. I agree her actions can be frustrating but demoting her would be a friendship ending move.
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    Yea. We'll see. She's coming next weekend so hopefully we can nip this in the bud but its just been so much leading up to this that's been so bothersome. Thanks for your response.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Oh I bet. If she's being hesitant just tell her you love her but you need the dress finalized by x, y, z date. I mean I wouldn't demote her but let her denote herself. Mentally be ready that if she doesn't do her part then she can sit as a guest bc you asking her to choose her dress isn't bad bc that's the bare minimum to do. Funny as a Bridesmaid I never thought you had a choice to question dresses lol.
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    Honestly! I get it but it's like you can't say you won't be comfortable in a dress without first trying it on (which she won't) and second without being inclusive and sending photos of what you're thinking. I don't mind different styles but I still need something to go on.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I would straight up all her why she's being hesitant in the dress prices and that it's worrying you. I feel if you're best friends you can be open with out there being a fight.
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    Thank you!
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    A suggestion, if it might help: post the designer and styles , color you are looking at. Someone here may have seen another dress line that carries very similiar things. ..........,........... I know that about a third of the time that I have been MOH, either the bride has wanted the MOH in a coordinate of the dress, rather than the same dress, that BM wear. Or something has happened, maternity, dress damaged in shipping, illness with drastic weight change- and the easiest accommodation has been a new and different dress. Many makers make material available ( by the yard) or sell already made sleeves easily snapped or sewn in place. She has to be willing to make the effort to look, bottom line, or you need to tell her, have the dress, walk with us. Don't have the dress on wedding day, no.
    Not by some arbitrary date, the wedding. Done that way, you are more likely to preserve the friendship. You sound as though you are willing to at least look. A look of brides deliberately choosing for MOH to look different, means is a gown is a different color or style but nice with the others, it looks as though it were meant to be that way. Next spring a friend and I will be MOH wearing dresse sold as MOB or evening gowns, while BM will wear Bridesmaids dresses by the same designer. We are doing them because we both already own the expensive dresses, and BM are teens whose budget is $150-250, not the $400 of ours. Ours are more structured, and at 38 and 39, full figured women who were both still nursing when we chose the dresses, the style difference is appropriate next to 17-20 y o. But the colors are accent shades of one another, and together we will look coordinated, but each well dressed for our bodies. See if someone here can point you to a dress, or an illusion jacket, that will look great with those the others have chosen.
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  • Sabrina
    Dedicated September 2020
    Sabrina ·
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    I'm there with you, I've done everything myself. My mom lives on the other side of the country and it makes it difficult. My MoH is no longer coming to the wedding since she is pregnant and her husband lost his job and refuses to get another one. Like other commenters, you should have a honest conversation with her. Maybe she is worried about COVID and not saying anything or maybe she's been negatively impacted financially and is insecure. I'm just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. A GF of mine got married last year and her MoH was doing what yours is and they are no longer friends. Some people get jealous (I hate that word and thinking people are that way) but your Wedding could be bringing up how she feels about marriage.


    Remember this is your day, a day that is all about you! Oh and your husband. In my house it's my day and it works for us just like it's my closet lol
    Best of luck and there's nothing wrong with needing to demote her or even saying if you can't/won't wear a dress I pick out then I unfortunately won't want you standing up there with me.
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  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
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    I would do anything necessary to help this blow over without being a pushover. If you picked only strapless dress options for women with big chests, I think you need to take a beat and think about if that's really the best option, for your girls or the photos. I come from a family of bigger women and nobody will wear sleeveless or strapless dresses, come hell or high water. They won't even try them on. I wouldn't ever force the issue because for some of them I know it would end in tears about insecurity.


    You chose your MOH because she is yout best friend presumably. I would do anything to preserve that friendship and not have it end over a wedding. You'll want her love and support during the marriage. Keep your eye on the prize
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  • Jasmine
    Master August 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    I totally understand that. I dont mind them being in different styles or just my moh being in a different style but the entire designer line that we've looked at isn't very accommodating toward bra wearers which is why we're starting the search over. She'd end up being in a totally different designer so since she'll now be coming this weekend, we're gonna search every day she's here if we have to.
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