Etiquette Question: Gifts & Invitations

I do not think you are wrong in your feelings. I honestly felt the same way as I read through your post. It appears as though they are only trying to collect as much money as possible, which was their intent behind the engagement party. I completely understand that some couples may not need as much home goods gifts, I am one of them, but asking for money only to help may for the honeymoon is rude.. if they can't afford the honeymoon then they shouldn't go. Having a honeymoon fund however, to contribute to specific adventures/excursions is different, IMO. There are much more tactful ways to say you're not invited rather than talk about the expense. I think your gift was thoughtful and honestly, a bit funny given the financial comments they are making.

I don't expect gifts from anyone I don't invite to my wedding. We did however register on one of those honeymoon sites, which we gave very detailed items such as admission to castles, activities we will be doing, and certain experiences we can only do there (we are going to Ireland). We've been together for a few years so we have all the household things. Most family like it and are excited that they can be apart of our experiences. We will be taking photos and sending them in our thank you notes. But, I do understand if some are not particularly pleased with what we are doing. I am also one of those who doesn't hold expectations to people, especially when it comes to gifts. If someone called me up and said, "I'd rather give you this, it's what I get everybody for weddings, or I think this is more meaningful" I will be just as pleased.

I would have been happy with the financial book, especially with how the invite was written, it seems like a practical gift.

Umm they’re invite was beyond poor etiquette, I’d say it’s downright rude! Sounds like they were hosting a fundraiser party for themselves. Jeez... you did nothing wrong here. I would’ve turned down the invitation and probably not talked to them for a long time lol

You did nothing wrong.

The request was rude AND it's incredibly rude to invite people pre-wedding parties (engagement, shower, bachelorett, etc) who are not actually invited to the wedding. If your friends say anything to you about it, I definitely wouldn't be afraid to politely point out the above and how you felt put off.

You are not wrong, I would find that extremely rude. This made the "engagement party" seem like a cash grab, which is what is was. This would be like hosting a house warming party and demanding that guests bring enough money for mortgage payments. The gift you and your husband gave was perfect, they'll need that guide to help them. If they can't afford a honeymoon, they shouldn't solicit family and friends in such a rude way to go on one. If your friends are offended, they honestly have no right to be.

(I will point out that this situation is way different than honeymoon registries, which is the polite way to ask for donations to the honeymoon fund)

I think it's insane to ask for cash after telling people they aren't invited to your wedding. What you did was perfectly fine.

You should have never been invited to the engagement party if you weren't going to be invited to the wedding! And why on earth would they number one request gifts at all (very poor taste), number two tell guests to bring cash to fund their wedding (they're not invited to) and honeymoon, and number three expect gifts from people that won't be attending the wedding? This was a cash grab and incredibly horrible of the couple. Your friend's daughter is the one who should be ashamed of her behavior and feel incredibly bad for her etiquette. You did nothing wrong and went above and beyond what I think a normal person would have done. If I were your friend i would be embarrassed for how their child acted. (Also I'm 28 and a millennial and trust me, this is NOT common.)

I cringed while reading your post. I think the fact you gave them anything is more than generous. They broke several etiquette rules. You broke none. 1. You are only supposed to invite individuals who will be invited to the wedding to the pre-wedding events. 2. You are not supposed to throw your own gift-giving event. 3. It is rude to put gift requests directly on the invitation. That's why registry links are usually a separate piece or paper/card. 4. You do not demand cash. Even a registry is a suggestion, like "hey, you don't have to get us anything, but if you would like to, here are things we would like for our home." That was a straight up demand.

I think the book on finances is a wonderful engagement party gift for a couple just starting out. And considering they decided to get married when they need to fundraise they're 1st year's rent, they clearly need financial planning help.

Thanks for the thoughts on this. The couple is young and I had heard that asking for cash gifts was something couples were doing so we weren’t sure how to feel. I just wondered if we were old fashioned by thinking it was impolite to ask for cash in an invitation, especially as we weren’t invited to the wedding. Her mom did mention to her daughter that she should leave the asking for money out of the invite, but her advice was disregarded. The irony is, we usually give cash gifts plus a little personal touch to every couple for their weddings anyway. . Thanks again!

In general you're only invited to the events if you're invited to the wedding. So they missed the mark on ettiquite right off the bat.
While it's not unheard of to request cash gifts saying cash gifts only is known to be greedy and inappropriate.
People don't want to attend or pay for events if they're not invited to the wedding itself.
I'm having a small family only wedding and likely not having any parties for that exact reason. You either have a big wedding with all the parties or you stick to your budget and suck it up, my opinion anyway. To me requesting rent money is embarrassing for your wedding gift, I would have been horrified reading that. It shows they're immature and can't handle their finances, honestly the book is likely the best gift to get them.

The etiquette is perfectly clear, but these people are not paying any attention to it whatsoever.

This is horrible! so you are invited to the engagement party but not the wedding?? Someone needs to throw an etiquette book at this girl and her fiance. This is in very poor taste and she probably wont have alot of people attending her wedding if she writes things like that on her invites

This girl was way out of line. Requesting cash for their rent payments? That seems insane to me.

Also, when I graduated high school my aunt got me a book on financial management that I actually found very helpful, so I think that's a thoughtful gift, not an offensive one.

Oh man, they broke etiquette in a big way. First, they shouldn't have announced to anybody that they're not going to be invited to the wedding, and they should not have invited anyone to an engagement party (or any other pre-wedding event) if they're not also invited to the wedding. Second, and more importantly, they should not have requested presents, and definitely should not have asked for - let alone demanded - cash. Seriously, incredibly rude.

Engagement parties are not traditionally gift giving parties. . . Soliciting gifts like this is simply rude. Specifying they want cash, more rude. Neither hosts of the wedding ( which may include parents) nor the couple should ever, at any stage of the engagement, wedding , or honeymoon, suggest anyone at all give gifts. Most especially not in any invitation. If Miss Manners gave awards for outstanding and unacceptably rude beha ior, this would be a qualified entry . It is a shame your budget did not extend to an etiquette book. Not just a wedding one,but a general one, with a chapter on weddings, and chapters on all kinds of polite social behavior. Save this couple from creating bad feelings wherever they are, socially and at work. They obviously were raised with no manners.