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Dedicated July 2019

Elopement followed by wedding ceremony and reception

Rhiannon, on May 16, 2018 at 6:04 PM

Hi
My FH and I have decided to elope in June. We need to do this because we’re currently long distance (my being British and him Mexican) we met at university but he finished his degree so is no longer on a student visa and has had to go to California to work. We plan to legally get married in California when I go to visit him after this semester ends, but to not tell anyone and in four years time get ‘married’ in Mexico on the date we had set and announced. The wedding packages we’ve found in Mexico are symbolic ceremonies anyway, so we would have to be legally married before the wedding itself anyway. But I’ve read people getting angry about being deceived with a fake wedding?
We were planning on only telling our parents and our witness is one of his friends/cowworkers. We would rather not tell everyone because we’re both young, and because it’s a destination wedding in 2021, we know that most people we invite won’t come because of the costs and time but wouldn’t want to make it fewer by having people think it’s not a real wedding. Because it will be our wedding, and the only one I’ll get. Our courthouse civil ceremony in June is just to get it on paper so that we can actually live in the same country.
Do you think this is okay?

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52 Comments

Master July 2018
Cuoghi · on May 16, 2018 at 10:23 PM
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Have you looked into getting married in the US? It took my English friend over a year for the paperwork to come in.
July 1993
WED18 · on May 16, 2018 at 10:33 PM
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I can't imagine anything good coming from a plan that starts out with a lie.
Super January 2019
PalmTrees · on May 17, 2018 at 1:33 AM
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I’d do the wedding in California, make it legal, and then let everyone know you eloped. Then in 4 years do a vow renewal big ceremony in Mexico like you planned. (A lot of people who get married in Mexico as a destination wedding actually do get legally married first as last time I checked Mexico still requires blood tests and a whole bunch of hassle.) This way you can still do everything you wanted yet no one is being deceived. And to be honest, before I started looking at wedding forums I had no idea why anyone would be upset or mad that a couple was already married at their wedding but had kept it a secret. Until I read a looot of posts on it and now I understand that side of it. It took reading quite a few posts, but after awhile when you see many, many of the same answers, you have to concede that this will also be true for people you know. And people make really good points about why it’s deceptive and why they care. If you do a google search on it you’ll find a ton of threads from different forums where people explain it if you’re interested. Besides all that I just don’t see the point in lying about it.
Super June 2018
NinjaBride · on May 17, 2018 at 1:38 AM
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I personally wouldn’t want to live with the secret. It just seems deceitful even if that’s not your intention. If one of my friends chose to do this I would hope they would just tell me. I would be just as happy to celebrate with them on their vow renewal.
VIP June 2018
Marcellab · on May 17, 2018 at 1:55 AM
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I didnt read all the comments but I wanted to give you a few examples of what I've seen with people in my life.

My cousins got married at the courthouse about a year before he had a ceremony. I didnt know but pretty much everyone else did. It was no big deal and people travelled really long distances to be at the wedding.

One of my really good friends was helping her friend plan her ceremony. About a week before the wedding she told my friend she'd forgotten to get an officiant. My friend scrambled to help her find one in a panic and didnt understand why her friend was so casual. Until that friend told her it could be anyone they had already gotten married and it was a secret. She was 'wanted the gifts'. It got around. Half her guests didnt show up because they felt lied.

Neither one directly applied to your situation but I wanted to share as food for thought.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
Dedicated May 2018
Alexis · on May 17, 2018 at 2:42 AM
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I am okay with your plan except for the lying. Even if you don’t have people that will “spy on you” so to speak or you have had your aunt have the same issue, everyone’s stories are different. That means what happened to your aunt won’t necessarily happen to you. Maybe holding off the official court meeting a little, by a few years and letting people know people wouldn’t care. But this far away it isn’t fair to your family that should know that you lie to them. I too have had a long distance relationship in my engagement and it worked out perfectly. But in the end, people who love you will go to the destination no matter what (of course if they can afford it).
VIP June 2018
Lindsey · on May 17, 2018 at 3:32 AM
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As a future spouse to an immigrant i understand your stress, but what will getting married in June do for you that cannot wait untill 2021?
Savvy September 2017
Sarabear · on May 17, 2018 at 5:16 PM
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I would also like to point out that other couples who have destination weddings in Mexico or elsewhere also have to sign all the paperwork and get married the week before or whatever to make it legal in the states. The difference is they don’t pretend like they didn’t do it and lie to their guests to make sure people will still come. If people ask the couple, they’re usually upfront with them about what had to be done to make it legal.
If I was close enough with a couple to know they *had* to get married on paper for some reason, I would never miss a destination vow renewal based just because it wasn’t actually a wedding. I would be royally PO’d if I knew the couple knowingly lied to me JUST so I would come to their wedding, spend a LOT of money on a destination wedding, and give them a gift.
We literally wouldn’t be friends when I inevitably found out the truth. Not interested in being friends with people who look me in the eye and are dishonest (i.e.: we go on a double date and you guys tell H and I how excited you are to have a destination wedding in 2021 and you’re just over being engaged when you’re actually married the whole time).
I agree with PPs that you are setting yourself up for a disaster should you choose to lie to literally every person in your lives besides your parents.
Devoted October 2018
Brittany · on May 17, 2018 at 10:23 PM
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It's a FOUR YEAR difference. Maybe if it was a couple days before then ok not a big deal but to wait four years and not tell the "guests" that you are already married because you fear they won't come is a little ridiculous. If people don't come then oh well they won't come but also don't not mention you are legally married and it will only be a ceremony like a vow renewal.
Expert October 2018
ArwenToHisAragorn · on May 18, 2018 at 12:55 PM
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I'll just say this: I know a girl who got married 6 months before her wedding to spite her in-laws, then still requested a bachelorette party, shower, and never told anyone that she was already married. The news got out and that girl has basically been shunned from both families.
I can't see this ending well; if you choose to do it that's up to you, but please take our opinions into consideration when we say we're trying to help you do what's going to hurt the least in the long-run for you and your FH. I'm sure some people will not be able to brush past it or shake it off and will be very hurt.
Expert May 2018
J · on May 18, 2018 at 1:57 PM
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Also, if it was a real wedding you would need to have your officiant and witnesses sign your marriage license, someone might notice that you never did that at this fake wedding you are planning and start asking questions.

Another thing to think about is will you parents really be able to keep this secret from all your relatives? I very am close to my sister and wouldn’t be willing hide someone like that from her. You will be asking a lot from them to keep that secret.

Dedicated July 2019
Rhiannon · on May 18, 2018 at 2:02 PM
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To everyone commenting about gifts, we’re not asking for any. All of my family is in South Africa or Australia and all of his are in Mexico. So wherever we do it will be destination for most of them we chose Mexico because my family can afford to travel and his can’t.
We’ve decided to still elope in June, announce it, and pull our symbolic ceremony and reception to July next year. Thanks for everyone’s comments but it’s enough now 😅