Elopement followed by wedding ceremony and reception

We actually plan on doing this so that I can register for state boards with my married name and not have to worry about it afterwards.

My sister did this and he left her with debt, the car payment, took all of “their” money and is living with another girl in the United States and they have a child now. I would personally vote no, this is not a good idea.

Marriages are public record, so even if you don’t tell anyone, don’t be surprised if someone finds out and tells everyone they know. You really think you can keep being married a secret for four years?

View Quoted Comment Are you suggesting this because he’s Mexican or because we’re eloping? We’ve been together for three years. It’s only been long distance for the last year it’s not like I’ve never met the guy.

View Quoted Comment I do actually, I don’t personally have any spies in the family and none of my friends (in their 20’s) enjoy spending their time trawling San Diegan marriage records from home in the UK. I don’t see how the news would travel across the world if we don’t tell people?

Four years is a LONG time to pull this off for. How will you not be able to call him "husband" in mixed company. I know for me, I would blurt it out accidentally.

Why not just explain the situation to extended family and friends, then have a vow renewal n 4 years time?

View Quoted Comment I think keeping a secret for four years is just likely to get out. You’re going to tell your parents. It could be an accident, but they might say something.

View Quoted Comment Because we weren’t really intending to call each other husband and wife when it really is just for the convenience for the time being. Most people give me weird enough looks when I say ‘fiancé’ anyway so tend to refer to him as my partner

Just tell people, it'll save everyone a lot of hurt.

View Quoted Comment If it does get out, it does, I’m more worried about the etiquette part of whether we can still call it a wedding in 2021 cause it will be our wedding. Not a vow renewal

I see your reasoning, and a lot of people who want to do something like this have similar reasoning. Please hear me out- it can and likely will go so badly. People will find out or something will happen that forces the fact out. Then you may be dealing with even less people who want to attend your celebration, with more drama and hurt to show for it.

This may sound harsh, but I would be hurt that someone I cared about felt they had to lie to me for four entire years just to ensure I'd attend their celebration. I'd feel like my love and support for that person was questioned.

View Quoted Comment A wedding, by definition, is when a marriage ceremony takes place. That’s going to happen when you get married this year. Four years from now, on your wedding anniversary, you’ll be having a vow renewal, because you’ll already have spent four years as a married couple.

1: no, your “wedding” in 2021 will not be your wedding, it will be a glorified vow renewal.

2: don’t do this. Just don’t. It’s rude to all of your guests, and it will definitely get out.

View Quoted Comment

It will not be a wedding. The wedding is the thing that legally binds you as husband and wife, even if you don't call each other that. It's the ceremony. The reception or party is not the wedding.

You can call it a vow renewal, a celebration of marriage, an anniversary party etc.

Or you can call it a wedding and do as you please but I think your instinct is right about some guests being upset/ mad they they have to travel for a "wedding" that isn't really such, should they find out.

View Quoted Comment I do see your point, and the not hurting people is the thing I’m concerned about.
When I was 12 I was flower girl for one of my aunts. She had married her South African partner while they were studying to ensure he could stay in the country when they graduated. They had told my mum because she was their witness, and the parents, but no one else and it didn’t get out for their five year long ‘engagement’ and then finally they had a wedding, called it a wedding, and nobody was upset about it.
I could see it turning sour but also know that most of my friends wouldn’t care, it’s only the more conservative distant members of the family- mainly who I haven’t seen for five years but still feel obliged to invite

You’re all very serious on here and I don’t know why.
i think you also all didn’t noticed or ignored my statement that the marriage we would have in Mexico is SYMBOLIC. It’s a wedding ceremony and reception but unless we go through extra $1000’s, blood tests, x-rays and translation of documents, it won’t be legal in Mexico or in the UK. So we HAVE to get married before the destination wedding anyway. Why is 4 years too far in advance? And why is everyone who has destination weddings in Mexico not put through this when they ask questions?

You know it’s not. You’ve clearly said you don’t want to tell people because you fear they wouldn’t travel if they knew it wasn’t your real wedding. Guess what? People are 1000% more interested in celebrating with people who don’t lie to them. People are DEFINITELY not interested in spending money to travel to be deceived. Someone will find out, everyone will find out, and things will go awry. Invariably. Someone’s feelings will be very hurt. Someone whose feelings wouldn’t have been if you’d just been open. People who won’t travel for a vow removal probably wouldn’t have anyway. People who want to celebrate with you will be happy to do so even if it’s a few years down the road.

Im not saying don’t elope now and have a symbolic ceremony a few years down the road— in fact, go for it! That sounds like a lovely plan. Just, be honest with them.

I have a military cousin who recently eloped or married quickly/suddenly in a teeny, parents-only affair, shortly after they got engaged so she could live on base with him/get benefits/whatever. They plan to have the official reception (properly “vow renewal” but the big to-do they didn’t get) sometime down the road when he’s back from deployment. Am I excited to celebrate with them then? Heck yeah! I don’t care that they’re legally married, I want to get a chance to celebrate with them!
Would I care if they were married now but keeping their marriage a secret and then invited me to their “wedding” ....ummmm absolutely ! No one likes being lied to. People who happily would have traveled knowing you were already technically married are WAY less inclined to travel once they find out you failed to tell them.

View Quoted Comment ALL people on this forum are told they should disclose to their guests that they were married beforehand. It’s also much different when you get married two days before going to Mexico compared to being married for four years and pretending not to be.

I think you’re undermining the complexity a marriage really brings. It’s not just an avenue to let you live in the same country as your boyfriend. If you divorce, it’s not just on paper either. Plus, it sounds like you already made up your mind and are not willing to listen to other’s advice. I don’t really know why you posted this. Best of luck.

View Quoted Comment We’re actually very serious about it and if we could would have the whole wedding now. But finances won’t allow that.
I hadn’t made my mind up but felt attacked instantly by everyone telling me it was a horrible thing to do when I know so many people who have done it- I was conflicted, hence the post. But everyone’s anger at it upset me and made me defensive.