Dress code debate--weigh in

I don't think the couple should specify at all. I used to be in the "on the website" crowd, but recent experiences have changed my mind.

First, I think few people know what dress codes actually mean. The "black tie" discourse on this website is a great example. I also had a friend host a "formal" event because they didn't want people coming in jeans--well there are other codes between jeans-casual and formal.

Second, I think couples are tempted to make their dress code more formal than their event for good pictures or to feel like they are having a higher end event than they can afford. My friends who required black tie attire and didn't host a black tie wedding told me "the pictures will look so cool." Same deal with the port-a-pottie gown wedding.

In my experience, older guests completely ignore the dress code and wear what is appropriate based on the venue and other signals (formality of the invite, what friends are wearing, time of day). However, as a young person and wedding website stalker, I see a dress code and feel obliged to follow it. Hence how I ended up in a port-a-pottie in a gown and 4 inch heels.

I think if couples just trusted their guests to dress themselves they would be pleasantly surprised with the results and guests would be happier as well.

I agree with everything you wrote ****%. Adults can dress themselves and don't need someone telling them what is appropriate or not based on their "vision". If you have a fancy wedding, have fancy invitations and an evening reception. If you have a casual wedding, have casual invitations and an BBQ vibe. People get it.

The only exception should be a truly black/white tie event (but really this is super weird unless it's very common in your circle) or if the venue requires something specific (covered shoulders in church, or men in jackets at the restaurant/club). Then it should be indicated as a note on the bottom of the invitation "Jackets required for men at the Polo Club" "Knees and shoulders must be covered for all guests at St. Paul's"

I won't be specifying on the invite, since I won't be having anything close to black/white tie. My guests can dress how they want, I'm not expecting people to come in jeans and a t-shirt

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Port-a-pottie? My goodness that's awful.

Maybe this is a region thing. Every wedding in the last 5 years I've attended has specified a dress code on the invite. I've had no complaints and everyone abided by the bride and groom's request. I definitely plan on having my preffered attire on my invites as well. My family in TX usually does not understand that weddings can be on the more formal side of events and requires a wardrobe outside of jeans and gaudy rhinestones (these have been worn at other family weddings with formal invitations but no dress code) and I would prefer they do not wear those. If they DO wear these to mine, I will overlook it, but at least I tried to persuade something I'd love at my wedding. It really has nothing to do with pictures looking nice as I'm not big on wedding photography myself, but it is nice to know that other took the time out to fancy themselves up for an event we have spent tons of time planning for them and ourselves to enjoy. I'm not asking for ballgowns and tuxedos, but I am asking to venture out from your usual everyday wear.

I used to think it was rude to specify a dress code, but my own wedding has changed my mind on that.

I had multiple people call us and ask what to wear - one of them called my MIL, who called my DH, *two days before the wedding* when we were neck deep in getting stuff together. We had people ask what to wear to the rehearsal dinner. I always assumed "It's a wedding, people know how to dress themselves" but apparently that isn't the case. On one hand I'm glad they were mindful enough to ask, but on the other hand, when you keep getting the same question over and over, it's easier/better to just put it somewhere (like the website).

BTW, we had one guest who (half?) jokingly asked if he could wear a Hawaiian shirt to the wedding. He didn't, but his wife wore a t shirt and I think leggings...? Similarly, my SIL and BIL specified "please no denim" in their dress code. You wouldn't think people would wear jeans to an evening wedding, but people surprise you.

I'd be annoyed about your black tie port-a-potty wedding experience too, but in general I prefer to be overdressed rather than underdressed. I don't assume everyone feels that way but I'd rather my guests err on the side of overdressed too. If a guest (or many) were dressed casually, I'd feel like they were saying my wedding was cheap/not worth dressing up for.

In today’s society, I don’t see anything wrong with placing one small line on the invitation stating the suggested attire (ie, Black tie, white tie, formal, semi-formal, cocktail, casual, etc.). I don’t think this was necessary in past generations because weddings were a bit more “cookie cutter” those days. The formality was basically the same for most all weddings, so everyone knew how to dress for them. Nowadays, however, weddings have become completely different affairs! They range from super casual backyard barbecues to beach weddings, garden ceremonies, traditional church weddings, cocktail affairs, to super formal estate/mansion/ballroom events... and everything you can think of in between! Some people have their weddings on a mountaintop, we are very specific is hire would be needed. Others choose to have themed weddings where guests are encouraged to participate in dressing to theme. There are just SO many options for weddings today, and many guests truly appreciate the guidance on wardrobe. I think including this information on the invitation, or even a details card, is very helpful and courteous to your guests.

*where very specific attire would be needed

I don’t think the couple should specify specifically. I think it’s fair to put “cocktail” or “black tie” on your wedding website. But telling guests specifically that they have to wear a certain color (I’ve been to a wedding like that) or that they have to wear a formal gown is not the couples place. Adults can dress themselves.

I'm personally team "list the dress code on the wedding website" - as a guest, I like having some direction on how I should dress, and I can't imagine the majority of our guests cyber-stalking our venue just to figure out what to wear. BUT I do think guests can take dress codes with a grain of salt - if black tie is requested but it's an afternoon event at a venue that is obviously not black tie appropriate, then I'd dress a bit more casually (not jeans and a t-shirt casual, but maybe a nice cocktail dress instead of a floor-length satin gown).

I don't mind having "dress codes" on websites/info cards, but I don't like it when the dress code doesn't match the event. "Black tie" is being requested like it's the new semi formal. Black Tie/White Tie have such strict formal standards of hosts and guests.

I don’t think I’d be offended by it (unless it requested black tie attire and wasn’t a black tie event) but I still think it’s a little out of place on an invite. I think it can be helpful on a website and say this only because of the amount of people who asked us what they should be wearing ahead of our wedding. I did learn that people are looking for some guidance. Still I don’t love telling adults how to dress and really think that they should be capable of figuring it out on their own. So I guess some guidance is helpful. Specific outfit requests however are out of place unless you are specifically hosting a theme party

At this point, i just don’t know. I won’t on mine because most of the people invited are older and know the deal. It was something older generations were forced to learn, for good or ill. Great Grandma usually knows how to dress for a wedding, even if she has to wear sturdy shoes at her age. There will be some who will ask though, and I’ll just tell them church clothes/dinner with the boss, and hope they get it.
But society - at least the places I’ve lived - has gotten more casual. I wouldn’t have dreamed of going to an office job in jeans when I started working in the 90s, and today there is an outcry in many industries about any sort of expected dress code. ( Not to mention a lot academic work proporting that dress codes and etiquette itself is classist, which is a fascinating topic and tends to go off the rails!)
It is interesting though that for every person who complains they can’t wear leggings to their job as a bank teller, there is another who is pulling hair that their groom wants to wear his ripped camo at the altar and it’s just frustrating all around. I am of the opinion that a wedding is a special occasion and people should want to put in and effort and look their best.

I think it's definitely a know-your-crowd thing. I might put something on our website, but I'm not worried about anyone being under or over dressed.


That being said, guest attire is personally soemthing that I just don't care all that much about. Like others have said, adults can dress themselves. If they want to wear jeans to a ballroom wedding, it's definitely not going to affect my day at all. They're the ones who will have to deal with looking/feeling out of place.

For those saying "but people asked" - the answer is "Most people will probably be in a cocktail dress or slacks but whatever you're comfortable in is great!" or "I want people in nicer clothes!" - why? I truly don't understand why you care one bit what someone else wears to your wedding. If they look out of place it doesn't reflect on you in the slightest. Maybe they don't care that they're the only one in jeans. I just don't get it.

To be clear, I'm not necessarily offended at all by a stated dress code - it's just unnecessary and can seem overly demanding, imo. People are going to wear what they want to wear.

I'm torn on this one. I guess I would have to say, know your crowd and your priorities.

I definitely have loved ones who would show up to a formal evening reception in jeans and a casual button-down. I know because they literally did exactly this at my formal evening wedding reception that was held at a historic museum. Nothing about our wedding, from invitations to location to timing, suggested that jeans were an acceptable attire choice.

But, I live in Florida, where people go into fine dining establishments in flip flops.

But honestly, I also didn't really care. I have photos of in-laws at my wedding in jeans. Whatever. I can truly say it didn't affect me in any way.

I also agree that if a guest doesn't dress appropriately, they will be the ones uncomfortable (or not, if they just are totally cool with being underdressed).

But, to the other point, I don't think there is anything wrong with specifying a dress code.

So, I guess I am firmly in the "do whatever you like" category here. I wouldn't be offended to be told a dress code, and I don't think it's rude or wrong. I wouldn't personally do it, because I know firsthand exactly how much I cared (0), but if it makes a couple feel better, I don't see the harm.

As a guest, I prefer to know the dress code. I put it on my website as courtesy to guests (more so females). I don't want them to question a cocktail vs formal dress. I have been there debating what to wear and have felt like I chose wrong in the past.

I like to know the attire - I think website is the right place. I’ve never had “false advertising “ with dress code. I appreciate a heads up.

I don’t see anything wrong with adding it on your wedding website! We just have a “dress code?” FAQ with “cocktail attire, please!”. Simple and to the point. I prefer having a note, both as a guest and a bride. As a guest, I appreciate knowing I’m going to fit in. As a bride, I appreciate knowing my more casual relatives won’t show up in jeans, haha!

In my experience most ignore the website.

We are putting it on the details card that goes with the invitation.