Drama

We had a close relative who went through a similar "rebellious stage," as you've described your sister's behavior. Underlying everything else was a very serious case of major depression (made much worse by bullying & abuse that occurred outside the family home that the parents didn't know about for a long time). During that time, the young woman really wasn't someone to be easily "reasoned with," so I think I can understand your mom's response. Your sister (and mom) might be in the middle of an overwhelming crisis situation (or your sister might just be expressing her own personal sense of style...I can't possibly know). I completely understand your not wanting to possibly offend your new in-laws, but since this is your sister and you asked her to be your MOH, I think there's a fine line you might want to walk. At the very least, I agree with pp's that it's insulting to tell someone they need to change their appearance, and, it's possible, your sister is in a vulnerable state and pushing this issue might make things worse. I get it's your wedding, and for valid reasons, you'd prefer things be a certain way, but I'd also think carefully about how you proceed. If you haven't yet, I might try to have a calm conversation with your mom and see if you can better understand her thoughts on the situation. Really listen to her perceptions of why your sister is making the choices she is right now. Good luck to you; it sounds like you're in a tough spot.

My niece was going through some hard times and threaten to take her own life when she was angry with her parents. My sister was very scared and took her to the hospital a couple of times and told my niece that she can’t take a chance that she is bluffing. Luckily the doctors were able to work with my niece to determine that it was not a serious threat. The doctors encouraged them to get family therapy and their lives have changed greatly for the better.

I know it can easily seem to you that your sister is just being manipulative, but if she's threatening self-harm, there are some very serious things going on. In that case, I can better understand your mom's response; she may well feel like she is "walking on eggshells" with your sister, and that's a terrifying place to be. Please, please try to understand this is not likely a case of your sister being a brat. It sounds like she is being treated for a very serious -- and potentially life threatening -- mental illness. Mental illness can be very hard to understand for those who haven't dealt with it personally. There is an incredible organization, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that provides FREE resources and support for the families of people dealing with mental illness. If she's not yet aware, please tell your mom about it. In addition to online resources, they offer support groups for family members. Depending on your sister's diagnosis, she may well recover completely with good medical care or this may be a life-long issue for her. (Mental illnesses often first appear during the teen years, and finding the right medication is often a long trial and error to get it right.) I don't mean this to sound harsh, but try thinking about her current medical issue as being the same as something more conventional. If she had cancer and lost her hair due to chemo, you'd probably be very accepting of her being bald or wearing a head covering at your wedding. In many ways, her current appearance and behavior choices may well be an outcome of her medical condition. (Or, they honestly could be a reflection of her personal style choices....)

This sounds like an incredibly difficult time for your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck!