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Just Said Yes August 2019

Drama with Maid of Honor

Jessica , on July 2, 2019 at 2:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 28

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So let me preface this by saying.... 6 of my 7 bridesmaids are incredible and have been so helpful throughout my wedding process. But as with big groups, there is one person who has not helped out at all, and has not shown up for the big moments, like my bridal shower. This person also happens to be my longest friend and MOH. Last Sunday was my Bridal Shower and my MOH did not come or inform me that she was not coming. When we had sent out invites to the shower, she had texted me in a panic stating that she would be out of town to celebrate her anniversary (which wasn’t for another 2 months which just boggled me). I just said ok and moved on. My family was not happy with her and my grandma ended up talking to her, without me knowing, to tell her how disappointed I was that she would not be attending. So that day she called me and told me she was going to try to be at the shower because it meant a lot to me. So the day of the shower comes around, and I have not heard from her. She never showed up or bothered to wish me luck or inform me that she really could not make it. Kind of embarrassing to not have my MOH at my shower.... Anyway, later that day, one of my bridesmaids noticed that my MOH has posted a picture of her eating lunch 10 mins down the road from my shower with her boyfriend during the shower time on Snapchat. I don’t have SC so she probably thought I wouldn’t notice. I’m really hurt by this. This has been my best friend since 9th grade and I would have thought she’d be honored to be my MOH but she has not acted like it. She did not want to plan my bachelorette party, and ultimately did give up those duties to my bridesmaids, and she’s been very upset that her boyfriend won’t be at the head table with us. It’s all caused me a tremendous amount of stress. I’m not a confrontational person so I am really struggling with this. I have 6 bridesmaids who cannot stand her because she isn’t helping, isn’t pulling her weight, and isn’t there for me. I have both sides of our family, and my groom, who are also pissed at her. I know someone is going to say something to her, despite me asking that they not, and i’m scared for the aftermath. My wedding is a month away and she’s already paid for her dress, so I feel like there’s no turning back now? I will add, I DO want her by my side because she is my best friend and I do love her, I just know that this is not who this is supposed to go.

What would you ladies do? Confront her or try to keep the peace until the big day???

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Latest activity by Stephanie, on July 4, 2019 at 3:43 AM

VIP September 2019
Trista · on July 2, 2019 at 2:48 PM
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I would just let this go. She doesn't HAVE to go to your bridal shower. There's nothing embarrassing about her not being there. The fact that your bridemaids showed up and that they planned you parties should be good enough. Neither myself (MOH) pr my best friends other bridesmaid went to her showers and she wasn't mad at us. All your wedding party is required to do is show up on the wedding day properly dressed and groomed. Anything else is a blessing.
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Master December 2019
Courtney · on July 2, 2019 at 2:48 PM
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It sounds like, even after your grandmother had spoken to her, that she's just not getting what it means to be a MOH. I would politely tell her that in spite of her recent actions she would be demoted to a bridesmaid and someone will be taking her place instead.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on July 2, 2019 at 2:49 PM
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The only thing I understand from her side is the head table thing, those bug me too. However, her behavior for the bach & shower is incredibly rude. I would just text her and literally straight up ask why she wasn't at the shower. And what her problem is. It doesn't have to be a "confrontation" but a discussion between two friends on why she would miss such an important day.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on July 2, 2019 at 2:50 PM
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Yes you need to have a conversation that expresses specific things she has done and how that makes her feel. Let her know you love her, want her to be a part of the wedding but be straight up and ask outright if it's too much for her right now. Ask if something is bothering her (something probably is) and what you guys can do together to make it better.

As for the other bridesmaids.. let them speak for themselves. Don't be the messenger, talk about your feelings and observations only. I don't recommend holding your peace.. this will all fester and that's no good for you or your relationship. I know a lot of women with bridesmaids here think they should be doing so many things for their wedding but not everyone pulls their weight. It's better to ask her what she is prepared to do or change your expectations.. she doesn't sound dependable so I would not depend on her.

I wonder if it would be bad for her to consider being just a bridesmaid and let someone else who has more energy and interest be the MOH? Just a thought.. there is no easy way to go about this. A lot of friendships are tested in these situations. GL
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Super April 2020
Emily · on July 2, 2019 at 2:50 PM
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I'm not confrontational either and honestly, if were me, I'd keep the peace until the day of. You can't change the past. BUT I'm not sure if that's the right call either, I just hate those kind of situations so I do my best to avoid it.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 2, 2019 at 2:51 PM
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I would let it go. You had the opportunity to express your feelings about her attending your shower when she told you she couldn’t and you didn’t. Instead your family tried to intervene (which to me is your family and bridesmaids trying to cause drama not your MOH). If you demote or remove her, be prepared that it’ll be the end of your friendship and you’ll need to reimburse her for any costs she’s incurred for your wedding.
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Dedicated October 2019
Stephanie · on July 2, 2019 at 3:09 PM
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I'm sorry hon but her lack of action to help on your big day says it all. If it was me I would tell her that she no longer has to worry about MOH duties as she clearly doesn't want the position. Best friends do not act like this. I would have a serious talk with her to find out what the actual problem is. You may have to let a toxic relationship go. Sorry you have to deal with this
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Devoted November 2021
Stephanie · on July 2, 2019 at 3:12 PM
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To me this seems so shady. I cannot fathom my best friend ghosting me on the day of my bridal shower to have lunch 10 min away. Also, I get not wanting to be confrontational but this is your best friend so you should be able to talk to her. Just ask her if everything is ok. If this is not typical behavior for her then I would think something was up. I don't understand not being able to talk to you best friend. Just communicate with her in a non confrontational accusatory way. Also your family needs to back off, why does your grandma even know about this. You can't be sharing how upset you are with everyone but her and then ask no one to say anything.
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Dedicated October 2019
Yana · on July 2, 2019 at 3:22 PM
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You definitely need to speak to her yourself and tell her how you truly feel. It's confusing that you say she's your best friend but meanwhile she hasn't been there for you... Maybe she is taking it out on you because her boyfriend wont be at the head table with you ( Is there a reason he is not going to be there? Maybe he feels upset that he is excluded and she's acting this way to make him feel better?)
Either way if she is your best friend and you've known her for years you should 100% talk to her about how her actions made you feel. You never know if she has something going on that she's hiding from you in order to not upset you and make her issues the topic of discussion because these events are about you.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on July 2, 2019 at 3:47 PM
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Unless you have no interest in being friend with this girl again (which it seems you do by your last paragraph) I would not take this advice. "Demoting" someone (I hate that terminology, being in a BP is an honor not a job) is 100% a friendship ending move.
I'd honestly just let it all go. Grandma probably shouldn't have said anything to the MOH but what's done is done. Like PP, there is nothing embarrassing about a MOH not being able to attend a bridal shower. People have lives outside of your wedding.
Just try to enjoy the rest of planning and be happy that you have someone that you can say you truly love next to you as your BM. That is so special.
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Lady · on July 2, 2019 at 3:49 PM
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It's not required that your bridesmaids attend anything or plan anything for you. She told you when she got the invite that she couldn't' make it. It's unfortunate, but she already had plans. You and your family should not have bothered her about it further. She is not under any obligation to plan your bach - you get one of someone offers to throw it for you - which your other BM's obviously chose to do. Her life doesn't stop just because you are getting married.
It's fine to be disappointed that she couldn't attend, but this is not worthy of "confrontation" or overreaction on your part. She's not doing anything wrong.
Also, it's pretty rude to not seat couples together at your wedding. Sweetheart tables or king's tables (bridal party AND their families/dates) exist for this reason.
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Super July 2018
Brittany · on July 2, 2019 at 3:58 PM
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Honestly before I got engaged I lost a best friend because she'd constant turn down plans with me because she was doing something with her boyfriend or she'd cancel on me because of her boyfriend. It was always ridiculous things too like he needs me to bring home pet food so I can't hang out ...that's not going to take all day. I understand wanting to spend time with your special someone but when you can't make ANY time for friends especially during an exciting time for them that's where I draw the line. It was hard letting go of this friendship but I ended up building WAY better friendships with others because of it, and I had a bridal party full of true friends.
I don't believe that bridal parties need to "pull their weight" or have "duties" but they do need to put in their part of maintaining the friendship. Talk to her and tell her that you are hurt that as your best friend she decided having lunch with her boyfriend down the road was more important than your shower, and see how that goes. If things don't change and she won't even spend time with you when its not wedding related then the friendship might have run its course unfortunately.
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Savvy September 2019
Steph · on July 2, 2019 at 6:52 PM
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I’m in a similar boat, except my bridal party only consists of two people and the flakey one happens to be my cousin. I know everyone on these forums say bridal party members only need to buy a dress and show up on the day of. Honestly, until I got engaged and started reading these discussions I didn’t know that this was a thing. maybe I was raised differently or where I’m from it’s different, but if that were the case I’d have been booted from the wedding. Even when it was the brides parents throwing the shower, they included me in the planning. But I digress.

i know I don’t have the guts to confront my cousin about her behaviors thus far, but I also know my family has a flair for dramatics and I already know she’s going to do something on the wedding day to make something or everything about her. We can all tell you what we’d do, but we don’t know your friend only you do. I’d confront her, but gently maybe and just let her know how it felt for you and work on the relationship.

as for the table, I don’t know how long her and her bf have been together so maybe he is in it for the long haul, but we deliberately changed our seating arrangement to avoid having randoms at our head table. Good luck!
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Expert September 2019
Rachel · on July 2, 2019 at 8:39 PM
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I don't know.... I know you can't un-ask a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor.

That being said, my ladies PLANNED my shower so to me, it's just so bizarre that she wouldn't even come to yours, and yet was ten minutes down the road.

How long have she and this guy been together? It sounds like a "ditch everyone and everything for this dude and then make big drama when it ends crazily" sort of situation..... but then, I of course don't know her. It's just really what it looks like to me.
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Dedicated June 2021
User2574599655703 · on July 2, 2019 at 9:26 PM
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Ignore her for the rest of the time and have zero expectations of her other than walking in a line in a pretty dress.
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Expert November 2020
Cheryl · on July 3, 2019 at 4:06 AM
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I agree with this. And also, the etiquette is usually that the MOH plans and pays for the shower with the other bridesmaids. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was the MOH for my best friend since 9th grade and I planned and paid for her shower by myself and I was really irritated, so I understand the hurt of your other maids too. I like the idea of you having a chat with her to see what the real issue is. I get that she won't be able to sit with her boyfriend but it's your day, traditional and is only likely to be for about an hour or so. Then people will be up and mingling/partying. I don't recommend just letting it go because it'll build up over time and you don't want to be dealing with these issues on your big day. Perhaps try being vulnerable, telling you love her and that you need her to be with you on this, try to create a space for her to talk without being accusatory. Tell her how you feel. After that, you may want to talk to your other maids. Hear them out, tell them you talked to her, though it's not necessary maybe tell them your reasoning for keeping her in, don't give details of the conversation you had with your MOH and move on. I'm sorry this is so long. Hope things improve.
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Expert November 2020
Cheryl · on July 3, 2019 at 4:23 AM
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I strongly disagree that it's rude to have a traditional head table. Sweetheart and King/Queen tables are a recent trend. The bride and groom are free to have what they want. You're eating for an hour. If you can't sit at the singles table for an hour and make small talk or sit quietly you have issues with your social skills. If you have 7 bride side, 7 groom side and you and groom that's 16 people. Sometimes it's not practical. Plus, in my opinion that no one cares about, sweetheart tables are creepy. You're like dolls on a shelf and everyone googles over you. Clinks glasses the whole time. You have ppl harassing you when you're trying to eat your 100 dollar prime rib. It's just you and the groom so you can't politely direct the convo away from you by getting someone else involved as you could if you were sitting with people. No thanks.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on July 3, 2019 at 7:09 AM
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Truth hurts?

I think Judith brought up some points that OP may want to consider. There are so many, because of their involvement in the issue, don't realize how self-absorbed they sound or that their expectations are not aligned with the other persons' (or reality for that matter). It's clear this friend does not care as much for the wedding or even OP as much OP thinks she should. OP didn't really acknowledge how everything that has happened may have pushed away OP. That's concerning. It's so important to be realistic and consider all angles of our behaviour as well as our willingness to admit where we are justified and wrong.
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 3, 2019 at 8:12 AM
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I think that the way you people treated your MOH was more than a little gossipy, judgemental, and hurtful. . . . Also, your statement that it is MOH role to plan shower and such, is NOT conventional etiquette as you say. Look in an actual etiquette or social manners book Any single individual or small group of people who are very close friends or family of the bride may volunteers teer to throw a shower. And it mY be a combination, one aunt working with one school friend not in the wedding, and 1 BM, with 4 BM and the MOH not doing or attending any, though invited, is fine. Because the MOH is usually one of the bride's oldest and closest friends, it is very common for her to volunteer. But not her job. And because BM are close friends, any one may volunteer. So often bridesmaids do showers. But it is always something each person must want and volunteer to do. And awful for others to be presumptuous and expect someone to do it if for any reason in the world they do not want to. . . . Also in an etiquette book, you will find, except for supplying names and info to contact people, brides need er ever can ask or tell others to give or attend a shower, same as no honoree in any kind of party being involved in the invitation process. Also in an etiquette book, any invitation for any party outside of weddings, or any shower, or wedding related one, someone who chooses not to attend need only say so. They never need to say why, and the hostess ( or heaven forbid, the honoree, never ever questions why, or judges them based on their not coming . The hostess or honoree are expected to have the good manners to assume that whatever the reason is, it is important to that person, and thus fine that they cannot attend. . . Why that # of BM could not pull off a shower without pushing someone who did not choose to do it? Or should track one of their group on social media to find what she was doing, is all stuff any etiquette book will tell you is out of line . . .So if my previous post seemed judgemental, perhaps it was the sheer number of totally not polite ( by standard etiquette) things you all did. I feel sorry your MOH was probably made to feel bullied, by you, BM, and grandma.
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Expert November 2020
Cheryl · on July 3, 2019 at 8:25 AM
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I agree that Judith brought up some ok things and I definitely think some brides are over the top, but I dont think wanting your MOH to participate in and be at your shower is too much to ask. If this thread were about missing a group try on party or not accompanying the bride for every trial or gown fitting is rediculous. People are busy.
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Drama with Maid of Honor

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