Don't want to change my last name

He can't force you to change it so tell him no and tell him it's the end of the conversation.

My coworker didn't even change hers til years later when she finally felt like it would be nice to aha. So it's not like you have to at all or now. I didn't take my husband's last name either.

I am right there with you!! I have had a hard time because we get to choose who takes what last name. My FW and I are torn. I’ve been leaning into taking her name because it represents a new and beautiful life, her family is so wonderful and I love her dearly. But the other side of me is stuck on the identity part and that id love her to take my name. I’m no help.. lol. Good luck!!

My FH doesn’t care, but this is something I’ve been debating myself. I’ve been using this name for 32 years now, my degree is under this name. I’ve published under this name. I know I definitely don’t want to hyphenate, we both have long last names already, but I feel conflicted. We do have two kids together who both have his name, and it does bother me that I don’t share the same name as my kids, which is why I’m really leaning toward taking his name. We have friends who both changed their names to something new, a kind of mash up of their last names (which we tried and sounds weird any way we combine our names lol). Since we would also have to change the kids names too if we went that route it just seems like too much work. Do you plan on having kids? Will it bother you not to share the same name? Just something to consider. You absolutely do not have to change your name!

I changed my last name when I got married because I think it's a beautiful way to honor us being a family unit. In no way did it take away from any of my accomplishments or make me feel like I've lost my identity. That said, everyone has their own opinions on this. If you don't want to change it, but your FH wants you to, would you consider changing your name legally but keeping your maiden name for professional purposes? This is very common nowadays. What I wouldn't do is just stomp your feet and tell him no as was previously suggested. It's a good time to start learning how to compromise, because the rest of your life will be full of compromises. This works both ways, of course. Your FH shouldn't just blow off your idea of each taking each other's names either. Good luck coming to a solution!

If he wants the same last name so badly, he can change to yours.

I think this is 100% your decision and his opinion shouldn't matter at all. This is not something you need to compromise on . It affects him in no way.

I did change my name and wish I wouldn't have.

It makes sense why you would want to keep your last name and it also makes sense why he would want you to take his. When you marry someone, you're two individuals becoming one. So yes you have these accomplishments unique to you from your past, but you'll also have accomplishments in the future that you make as one half of a whole person. Is it too difficult to put your ego aside to make your spouse happy? Is that not the whole point of marriage? This goes for both sides, not just you. After all, if you take his last name it will become YOUR name and vice versa. Maybe you could hyphenate it. In that case you can choose which name to use in certain situations. Legally you'll have both, but in business you could choose to only use yours. I have multiple family members who have built legacies on their maiden names, so they use a hyphen legally, but everything business related only has their maiden name on it. It wouldn't be a problem if he was totally ok with you not taking his name, but being that he isn't, it's probably best to think of a compromise that you can both agree on. When you marry someone, you're not losing your identity - you're evolving it.

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He actually did say he wanted to come up with a completely new last name because ours mashed up doesn't sound good at all. I did say the kids could have his last name, I guess since I don't have kids yet my desire to share a last name isn't there. I don't know how I would feel when we actually got to that point.

Suggest he change his name to yours or you each hyphen. If he says no then you know his reasoning is based in sexist ideals. You can try to educate him on that and the double standard he seems to be trying to hold you to, and based on how receptive he is take it from there. It would be (and has been) a deal breaker for me.

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Why do you wish you hadn't?

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Thank you! It's reassuring to hear the other side of it and that is a great suggestion!

View Quoted Comment You could always give the kids both of your last names, they don’t have to automatically default to his last name. That’s what H and I would do if we ever had kids 🙂

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I actually think he is on board for us doing away with both last names and creating a new one.

View Quoted Comment That works too!

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I hadn't really given it any thought at all when we went to apply for our marriage license and had to decide on the spot - i changed just because that's what most people do. Looking back there was just no real reason that I felt was compelling enough for me to do it. I kind of panicked and made a quick decision.

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My name is already hyphenated. I have both my parents last name (they are married but it took years before my mom completely decided to drop her last name and now i'm the last one with her last name. Oddly enough she didn't give it to my sister). I loved the last sentence, evolving. Its something I will think hard on.

This is a tough one these days, simply because it’s no longer a given, and really, anything goes.

I took my husband’s last name, but then again, I had been divorced for 10 years before him and was still walking around with my first husbands name, so in fairness, it wouldn’t really be right NOT to change it, and going back to my maiden name at the time of this marriage seemed just as weird.

I didn’t change it after my divorce simply because of what a big, fat hassle it is and at the time didn’t see myself ever getting remarried, so just stayed w/ it out of convenience. Now, a month after my wedding, I’m going through the big fat hassle with an enormous smile on my face. I love sharing his name. I am a bit older than most here, have always held professional level positions, have earned degrees, and as an adult have lived and created professional reputations in 3 different areas of the country. No matter my last name, I’m still that person. My LinkedIn profile now has my brand new last name and former contacts and colleagues from every stage of my life have reached out to say congrats. They will all still know who I am.

You make your decision for whatever reason is best for you....I have no interest in trying to sway you one way or the other, but I did want to say that I’m not sure it’s “outdated” necessarily, since many people (off all ages & backgrounds) still do it, it’s just no longer “expected”, which is a pretty cool thing in my opinion. Good luck!!

It's totally up to you, don't let him pressure you if you want to keep your last name. My FH and I are established in our careers and are both keeping our individual last names. And I honestly just find the expectation that women in hetero relationships will change their last name to their husband's to be outdated and patriarchal!

I completely agree with you! I’m keeping my last name because it is unique. I do feel like always taking a man’s name is outdated. My fiancé is not happy about it either, but I brought up the point...how would he like it if he was automatically expected to take my name? He did not like that. But, the point was made. If you have your own accomplishments and feel like you have your own identity in your name, keep it without regrets. If kids are a plan in the future, it does get a little confusing, but nothing unmanageable.

View Quoted Comment Interesting! If you’re able to go to her, maybe your mom would be a good person to give you some advice. If anything, I say you should do what you want and who knows- maybe you’ll get to the point where you’re itching to change your name, or maybe you guys won’t even notice you have different last names and things will be just fine. Luckily we don’t have to make a decision on that right away!