Do I include my brother's wife as a bridesmaid??? HELP!

This is really helpful to hear ppl's opinions. By brother thinks SIL will be very hurt, but his words "she'll get over it." He's of the opinion that I should do what I want on my day, although he also expresses that him being a groomsman makes things more complicated and potentially hurtful for SIL. SIL has very few friends in general and I believe she does want to be a bridesmaid. I think she feels closer to me than I do to her. And yes, my mother oozes drama and is a wellspring for guilting and shaming ppl.

I DID choose include my FSIL as a bridesmaid in my wedding. I am close with her but not as close as the rest of the bridesmaids - and why would I be? i have known them for 10+ years and only known her really for 4. However, I love her and she is going to be in my life forever now and I honestly felt like I would regret it if I didn't have her there. If you don't have that feeling, then you don't have to include her.

On the flip side, my mother made her SIL her maid of honor due to family pressure and they got divorced a few years later and my mother has probably seen her twice in the last 30 years.

If you had never met her or never interact with her, I wouldn’t include her. Otherwise, and this is probably an UO, I would. I know people say it should only be your nearest and dearest, but honestly, do you really think you’re still going to be super close with your high school BFF in 30 years? Probably not, but chances are, your brother’s wife will still be around. ETA a word

My brothers wife isn't in my wedding because she is nothing to me. He is, but he is also my brother.

I decided to include both of my brothers' wives and my DH sister as bridesmaids. Do I have closer friends? Yes, but I love my sister in laws and they will be around my whole life. I had six on my side and my DH had four on his side. That being said, I don't think anyone should ask people to be bridemaids out of obligation. I did it because of my relationship with them. Don't let people guilt you into asking. There were plenty of people who I didn't ask and I was in their wedding. I think including her by having her do a reading would be an option.

I read your most recent post and it sounds like your SIL will be genuinely hurt if you don't include her. Obviously you have the right to choose your bridal party, but consider whether this is a battle worth having. Uneven wedding parties are becoming more common, so I wouldn't let that be a factor.

Unless you specifically don't get along with her (vs just not being close), I'd include her as a BM with the understanding that she may participate less than the other girls.

I cannot deal with that pressure of being forced to include.. Hence why I am going Italy style- I get a MOH only, hubs gets a BM and thats it. Last I heard it was our day..

You shouldn't be pressured to ask anyone to be in your wedding. Has she said anything about being in the wedding? I personally don't think it's that big of a deal if you don't ask her

I have 3 brothers, all in the BP. I was in all 3 of their weddings. Although I love my SILs so much, they understand I have lifelong friends/other people in my life that will be in the wedding. (Although all their kids will be in it too) no irreparable damage. They understand and still love me/want to help with the wedding.

Can she still help you get ready that morning?? She can still hang out but not be in the party.

Do you hate your SIL so much you cant put her as a bridesmaid? Whats the big deal between 6 and 5 besides having uneven numbers (which you seem to have anyways). If you only have one SIL and she respected you enough to ask you to be in her wedding, why cant you respect her enough to be in yours? Sure, if you arent close, she may not want to participate in as many events as everyone else (which is perfectly fine since none of these are required), but she is going to be your sister, and something like this is not worth fighting about.

I agree with Sos0033, chances are you are going to be interacting with her in 30 years, which might not be the case with some of your current friends.

Weddings are about love, family, and friends, so what are you worried about? What warrants "HELP"? Listen to your own words:

1. " I've really struggled with the decision and do want to include my SIL in the day (was going to ask her to do a reading)..."

2. "..it feels really weird to have 6/4 bridesmaids to groomsmen."

3. " I just don't want to cause a huge rift in my family. I should mention that I was a BM in her wedding to my brother 10 years ago."

Here are a few simple answers:

1. You're struggling and want to include her in the day...maybe as a reader. Just ask her to be a BM. A consolation prize is obvious. Remember, this is a private family wedding, not a head of state affair. Just do it.

2. Uneven sides stopped being an issue 15 years ago. An extra individual on either side means absolutely nothing negative. Nothing.

3. You were a BM in her wedding...so return the sentiment unless you despise her. That's kind of the way it works.

Geez, this is such an easy fix. It's nowhere near as monumental as you're making it sound.

You shouldn't be pressured to include anyone. It's your choice.

That being said, can you not make you SIL a groomslady for your FH? Bonus points- it will even the sides out. (Not that it's a big deal if they are uneven...)

Ummm.... no you do not have to include her. It doesn't matter if you were in their wedding, or if your brother is in yours. If she isn't one of you best friends that you couldn't imagine your wedding without, then don't include her as a BM. Find something else for her to do.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. My SIL was a BM in my wedding and now I'm not in hers. I feel really hurt since I've known her 16years! We're very close! I'm trying not to take it personally, but she has her other brother's wife as her Matron of Honor. I feel so left out. But it is her her wedding, just like it is yours. You can't please everyone. Even though I'm not in the wedding, I know she still loves me and wants me to be there. She just can't have everyone. Plus, she is SUPER picky and wants it to be even on both sides. My sister didn't include her hubby brother's wife in their wedding, and they were friends for 10 years!

If I were your SIL and I knew I wasn't included, threw a fit, and then begrudgingly became a part of the party, I would be too embarrassed to actually take part. It would be a pity invitation and everyone would know it wasn't an intentional decision. I'm normally never one to say "it's your day do what you want" but I think the one thing you get to be selfish about is your most loved that you're honored to stand next to during the ceremony. If you don't want her as a bm, don't have her as one.

I wasn’t in my brother’s wedding (my sis and I did readings). I wasn’t in my husband’s sister’s wedding. My brother’s wife wasn’t in my wedding, nor was my husband’s sister (bro and his wife led the prayers, husband’s sis did a reading). You don’t have to include her.

I'm not including my sister in laws. I was in both their weddings, but only because they married my brother. They are 7 and 11 years older than me, and I'm pretty sure both don't care. One told me she would be 'old' by the time I got married so don't worry about including her. I am including my nieces and nephews though

I don't think it's a big deal if you don't include her, has she expressed any interest? I also don't think uneven numbers matter

This is so odd to me. I can't imagine my mother or brother caring who was/wasn't in the wedding. My brother isn't married or in the BP. He'll be walking my mother down the aisle though. If he was married, my SIL still wouldn't be a BM.

I’m in agreement. Pick your battles. You’ll have to interact with these people for the rest of your married life- is it worth making your life harder?

I would definitely include her if I was in your shoes but I'm really sensitive to people feeling hurt or left out and it would bother me more to think I might have upset someone than it would to have an uneven bridal party. I actually do have an uneven bridal party and despite being the type to usually prefer order and symmetry, it doesn't bother me at all. You're obviously not obligated to include anyone you don't want but you're family and see her regularly so you might want to keep that in mind. Can your FH maybe add someone on his side to close the gap a little bit?