Guest list dilemma

My FH and I were starting to have major guest list issues, we wanted something small and then you start adding family, extended family, friends you want their, plus ones. Finally we capped it at 50 including us, split right down the middle we got 24 invites each and had to deal with it. I had no problem sacrificing extended family so I could invite my best friends that I really wanted there, versus having family just because they're family. He has a larger family and so he only has 5 friends attending.

This is really something you need to settle on with FH. If you're at 50, and that's mostly family with absolutely no one you can cut, then hopefully after a conversation he will be willing to forego some former coworkers. However, you do have to be prepared that he wants to have an equal say in who gets invited.

Are all your guests getting a plus one? We're not giving single family members plus ones because they will have tons of people at the wedding they'll know. In fact, we're not giving any single guest that will know multiple people at the wedding a plus one. If someone is in a relationship, we will include them by name on the invitation. I'd rather invite more people I know than have a random come.

This is why I think the "we're capping the list at XX, you get half, I get half" method of inviting people isn't fair. IMO, it's much more equitable to invite in "circles": immediate family, aunts/uncles, first cousins, close friends, work friends, etc. Whatever you guys end up deciding on, and stick with it, within reason. If you're not close with your work friends but he is, for example, then that's fine if he wants to invite his but you don't want to invite yours. Is your 80 max a hard line due to budget, or ideal venue, or something else?

You know your family dynamic better than anyone, but I would get lots of shit about inviting some cousins but not others. It might not be like that in your family. And in terms of etiquette, there is nothing wrong with inviting some cousins and not others (as long as you're not splitting up family units, like inviting one 12-year-old cousin but not her 10-year-old sister, for example). But whether or not that would cause problems with your family is another story.

ETA: another good rule is if you haven't spoken with them or hung out with them in the past year, they don't get an invite. That should get rid of a lot of "friends" that you guys don't really see anymore.

Invite your cousins, but don't let them have a plus one or if you're not close and don't think they'll be offended, then don't invite them. I know you might not know his coworkers, but it's his wedding also and you want to make sure he is happy and surrounded by people he wants too.

You have a max guest list- it doesn't matter if you have 1/3 and he has 2/3. Do what makes sense- doesn't have to be 50/50. That's just to difficult.

Someone nailed it- social circles.

Lori is so smart <3

You and your FH will have to figure out a way to make this work. It might mean compromising some of your more distant family (cousins you don't speak to often) or him sacrificing the former coworkers. Try to come up with a general standard, like not inviting anyone you don't speak to at least once a month, and see how that affects both of your sides.

ETA: Also Lori's advice because she's great at explaining inviting in circles. Sometimes it's easier to just cut a whole circle to be honest.

Google guest list flow chart. There are lots of great ones that will help you cut your list. I know some people invite in groups (ie. all 1st cousins) but since we were limiting ourselves to 60 max I threw that out the window. I used the how close are we really rule, something along the lines of the attached flow chart. I applied it to every potential guest on my side, family or not and even then I had to skip inviting 99% of my friends because I wanted a small wedding.

This always makes a resurgence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HVcLOjyTqs

Thanks ladies. I think we'll evaluate where we're at if we take away plus ones. My younger cousins (teenagers) aren't getting plus ones, but I wanted to let my older cousins have plus ones since they're either married or in relationships. The guest list is being capped due to cost. Part of me wants to invite all the cousins and just bank on them not coming, but I know that's a really bad way to plan! I don't want anyone to feel snubbed but you're all right, the line has to be drawn somewhere

Plus ones are not the same as significant others.

Any significant other - spouse, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever - gets invited by name.

Plus ones are to give truly single guests the option to bring a date or friend.

Not inviting significant others is extremely rude. Plus ones are optional but generally recommended, at the very least for people who wouldn't know anybody else at the wedding.

So if you're debating whether to invite your cousins or these former coworkers or whoever, you have to factor in their significant others as well.

Wow such a similar issue here! I just let my FH invite them. More so because he's just bull-headed that way if I tell him no. But anyway, I just invited my closest friends who I really want there and the rest of my large Irish catholic family will be a blast. Let him add the people to the guest list but not to make promises to anyone about being invited. Let him look it over. I mean seriously, has he seen these people in the last year? Does he see them and spend time with them outside work? Pinterest has good charts for cutting down guest lists. Show them to him and see if it helps! Honestly I'm still fighting this battle bc I feel like my FH is just trying to show off having friends to compensate for having no other family than just his 2 parents. It shouldn't be about that. Ugghhh

As for your family, i wouldnt include some cousins while leaving others out. Maybe stick to "just aunts and uncles" or cousins but no kids which is more favorable. If someone is single, no +1 invite. Or see what you can do to rule out all co-workers?? Might be hard. Definitely checking out other peoples input!!

Edit : love the social circles idea up there! And yea I guess things might have to be uneven as far as bride/grooms side. Good input

Personally, I believe family first. Regardless of whose family it is, you're marrying into each other's families. My wedding is more than half my FH side as he has an incredibly large family. But the people I have left off my list to make room for FH family understand that family comes first and it's important to make sure they are there. If tables were turned my FH would do it for me. But that's just what worked for us!

I second Rebecca. Your cousins spouses are not "optional plus ones". They are family as well. If you invite cousin Sue you need to invite her husband Joe. That would be a major faux pas not to.

That flow chart is perfect. FH and I have 13 aunts and uncles between us. That's before spouses and kids! We only invited one, and he's my uncle, because he's the only one either of us see/talk to regularly. For reference, we have a guest list of 32.

Honestly, if you're keeping it small and you haven't spoken to them in a year, just nix them. If you see cousin Anne every week but haven't seen Bob in three years, don't invite Bob.

I only invited some of my cousins. My mom is one of 7 kids - if I invited all my cousins, my wedding would have had 300 people at it. I just invited the ones I am closest to and their families. I am not of the opinion that people get an auto-invited just because they happen to be related by blood.